When I was a little kid I thought that getting married and having kids was inevitable. That it was just the natural progression of life and there wasn't really anything you could do about it.
When I was a little kid I was severely depressed.
As I got older I gradually became aware of feminism and queer politics and realised that those things are choices that I didn't have to make. A huge weight was lifted from my shoulders.
Now, single and childless in my 30s, I understand why those things are presented as the cornerstone of adulthood.
Existing as a single person is hard! And it gets harder with age.
We live in a society that is geared toward coupledom. Particularly economically.
Having just completed a PhD, I am acutely aware of how our social systems disadvantage single people. I did not have a partner who's income I could rely upon to help me afford my basic needs when I needed to focus on studying, or when funding for casual research staff was slashed. Fortunately, I had family who where willing to help me out with loans. Unfortunately, this means I am now saddled with debt and am not in a better economic position now that I'm working.
When I am sick, I have to take care of myself. Because I am casually employed, taking sick days means not making money. Because the nature of what makes me unwell is not covered under MediCare (which I have only recently qualified for) taking time off work makes it harder for me to access the care I need to get better.
Then there are the more luxurious things, like travelling and going to cafes. Booking accommodation as a single person often means either paying double what a couple would pay, or staying in cheap accommodation like a hostel (a compromise I am less and less willing to make). Tomorrow is Sunday and I would very much like to go out for Sunday brunch with my computer. Which raises the inevitable problem: what do I do if I have to pee? Should I take it with me to the toilet? Will it be OK if I just leave it there? Are the cafe staff going to be too busy to notice if somebody nabs it? Can this person sitting by me be trusted?
My point is, our society is structured in both formal and informal ways that encourage us to pair up and take responsibility for one another. Like a buddy system, with benefits. This is a large part of why my BFF and I are moving in together, again; it will give us both something of a safety net.
I think it is problematic that our society requires this buddying up. It creates greater marginalisation for those people who, for whatever reason, don't have a buddy to share the social burdens with. Like, full stop, I think we need to completely restructure society and that anything short of a complete dismantling of the system is not going to produce equality (and even then it is likely to still be flawed).
But the more addressable problem is, this societal buddy system privileges certain types of buddies over others. Specifically, it privileges those buddies who are married over everyone else. So yes, congratulations same-sex couples in America, you can now enjoy the privileges of this elitist buddy system too!
Queer resistance to heteronormativity was my saviour. It showed me that a different world was possible, and that there was a place where my difference fit in. Watching the push for 'marriage equality' feels like a slow death to me. Marriage does not make us equal. Marriage tells us that we should conform to a system that basically shits on everyone who is not a white cisgendered man with money.
It is a complex issue and I have engaged in many conversations with my fellow queers about why it is important and what it produces. And I absolutely take the point the marriage allows access to rights that are not otherwise available to couples (even defacto couples, especially around migration). I also completely recognise that marriage has individual importance to some people's personal histories that it doesn't have to me. And while on the one hand I don't want to take away your right to express your buddied up love in this particular way, on the other hand I do. I want to take away the legal rights that are entitled through marriage so that those rights can be accessible to everyone, not just those who, for whatever reason, choose to conform.
Marriage erases other types of relationships, yes, but it particularly erases single people.
Being single is seen as a liminal state; as something that we transition out of and into over our lives. It is not seen as a valid state for a person to choose to stay in. Not in the long run, anyways. Single people are constantly met with a barrage of messages about how they should not worry as someone will come along eventually (like we're stuck on the side of the road with a flat tyre), peppered in with messages about how they should work on themselves to be more open and receptive to that love when it does come around (don't fuck it up!) What it boils down to is this: being single is not natural or normal. (As a quick aside, it boggles my mind that being in a couple is seen as the normative state of things, when we have always existed in communities.)
For me, throughout my adult life, being single is what feels most comfortable and right. It is where I feel safest and most at peace with myself and my life. I am tired of being told that this means I have some deep seated psychological issues that I need to work out. I am tired of being told I just haven't met 'the right one'. I am tired of having my experiences silenced and erased.
This love that people talk about experiencing when they pair off, this has not been my experience of relationships. My relationships have involved two people tolerating each other being awful to one another, to varying degrees and for varying amounts of time. They have meant constantly being told that I need to change - change myself, change who I am in a relationship with, change my outlook on life - in order to make things work.
I do not need to change.
I know that I am a devisive, strong-headed, bossy, outspoken, bitch of a person. And I also know that I have an incredible group of friends who accept me for who I am, even when they don't like me/what I'm saying/how I'm saying it. So no, I do not possess some inherent flaw that makes it impossible for me to attract loving, supportive, accepting relationships.
And no, I do not simply have to wait around for this magical person who will love me as the imperfect being I am to come and swoop me off my feet. People come into (and sometimes out of) my life all the time that love me for exactly who I am. Why should the connections I form with these people be deemed lesser than marriage-types of connections?
So this is why I am not rejoicing. Why I am being a pain in your asses. Because society continues to say that your relationships are more better than mine/the lack of mine. Because we live in a society where you can ask your partner to watch your stuff while you go to the toilet and I cannot just trust that my shit won't get stolen because we have developed a community of care and respect. Because queer issues expand beyond the boundaries of coupledom.
I would like to acknowledge that this piece is self indulgent. There are much more pressing issues in the fight for equality than the recognition that being single is a valid lifestyle choice (for the long haul, not just while we lick our wounds from the last relationship). But this is how I, personally, am negatively impacted by the push for marriage equality.
I think it is entirely possible to reorganise the way we distribute and reward rights and privileges so that it doesn't centre around marriage, but around individual choice and community. But the more we buy into marriage as a panacea for social inequality, the harder it gets. I hope I'm wrong; I'd love to be wrong. I'd love to see a queer revolution sprout from the rainbow aftermath of marriage rights, a revolution that dismantles the system from within.
But I don't think that is going to happen. Not when Jennicet Gutiérrez was shushed and booed for speaking up about the rights of trans immigrants at an LGBTQ Pride event. And not when I can't leave my laptop unsupervised in a cafe when I go to the toilet.
