Let's Play Dress-Up!

If there was a competition for the "World's Worst Packer", I would be a serious contender. I may have even won the crown in 2007 (I'll get to why in a minute). Some of you may be confused by this, since I will brag about my mad packing skillz at any possible opportunity. As I've said many times, Mary Poppins ain't got nothin' on me!

You see, what I am 'good' at is fitting an obscene amount of stuff into a suitcase and talking my way out of overage charges at airport check-ins. This is because I am not so good at making sensible decisions about what I will and won't need while I am away from home.

I have done a good deal of traveling over the years, but for some reason my packing abilities just became more and more chaotic with each passing trip. Actually, so did everything about my travel arrangements. After awhile I pretty much stopped planning and started just showing up and hoping for the best. (I really wouldn't recommend this approach to travel.)

Arguably the height of my insanely irrational travel packing/planning was my 2007 trip to Peru. I was spending a week in Lima to present a paper at a conference, and then was spending a week in Cuzco as a care-free tourist. It was winter in Peru, and like many North Americans, the idea that winter in the southern hemisphere could be cold seemed completely ridiculous to me. Also, having never been to an academic conference before, I had no idea what was appropriate to wear.

Faced with the task of packing for this trip, I was completely perplexed and overwhelmed. The solution? Two massive suitcases stuffed to the brim! Since I had no idea what I would need, I decided to just pack a little bit of everything. Except warm clothes. I had 2 cocktail dresses and about 5 pairs of shoes that I couldn't actually even walk in, not that they actually went with the dresses anyways! And when I tried to assemble something professional looking for the conference, I realized that I did not actually have any pieces that fit together in that way.

Joni's Top Ten Style Tips #3: Know Thy Wardrobe!

A year later, having carted half of Canada down to Melbourne with me (except for my warm clothes) I came across such a sensible tip in InStyle magazine that I couldn't believe I hadn't thought of it before. This article was a guide of what to pack for a holiday, and took you through having a couple key pieces and some basics that work with a lot of different things so you can easily mix and match and create heaps of unique outfits from a small number of items. ... DUH!!!

My style tip to you is this: Think about the different pieces you have in your wardrobe and figure out which ones go together. Experiment with this! Sometimes all it takes is an extra layer to completely transform an outfit. Being aware of what you already have and the different way you can combine things makes shopping for new pieces a much more focused task (which I'll be discussing further in the next style tips installment).

Also, think about the accessories you have (shoes, jewellery, hand bags...) and what they go with. Back in the days when I had money to spend frivolously, I often came home with a gorgeous new pair of shoes that I didn't actually have anything to wear with. This is not practical! You know what happens to those shoes? They gather dust (metaphorically anyways, I'm anal about my shoe care) and then I eventually give them away to whoever'll take them off my hands.

So go forth, search out your wardrobe, and start playing dress-up! You never know what amazing combinations you could discover. You might even discover that that thing you just had to have but then never wore has some life to it yet!

Night Cheese No More

For a long time, this was me:



I've put in some long, hard hours workin' on my night cheese. And the night cheese had been workin' hard at me! It seemed such a simple pleasure, coming home after a long day to a nice block of cheese. But, it wasn't doing me any good and after awhile, I couldn't deny it anymore: I needed to quit the night cheese.

So, I started to ween myself down on the cheese, and last week when I finished the last of my block, I decided to declare my apartment a cheese-free zone. I had previously done this with chocolate, so I knew there would be some crazy withdrawal, and that the method is effective.

The withdrawal has not been as crazy as it was with chocolate (everything did not turn into cheese when I went to the grocery store this time), but it is pretty strong. I decided to get myself some olives, since they have that same salty taste but are a much healthier option. That has helped, and I haven't developed a crazy olive habit like I thought I might.

My rule is not that I cannot eat cheese (or chocolate), but that I cannot keep it in the house. When I did this with chocolate, the result was that I'd get myself a piece of cake or a cookie or something when I was out to satisfy the craving (I've moved on from that now, kind of). So I figured that whenever I went out I'd be all over the cheesey snacks. But that hasn't been the case. Thursday evening I took advantage of some cheesey snacks, but I honestly did not find them particularly satisfying. Friday I was considering getting a cheesey lunch, but found myself craving a hearty grilled vegetable salad instead.

Turns out, kicking cheese to the curb has really started to change the way I eat, particularly with regard to carbs. My quick and easy food fixes were often things like pasta with cheese, rice with cheese, grilled cheese sandwich, or just straight up cheese. Without cheese in the house, I have to pause and think about what it is I'm going to eat, leaving me with the options to make something decidedly healthier, or not eat.

And I've really noticed the difference already! I feel a lot better, healthier. I still crave the cheese, but, it seems to be more of a mental addiction than a physical one (chocolate is much more physical). I feel like I've taken a really positive step forward.

And you know what else? This morning I decided to see how I'm going with my slow, steady, sustainable weight loss. I hadn't weighed myself since my birthday and I wasn't expecting to find much difference. I had set myself a target weight to get down to, with the promise to myself that I would never allow myself to get over that weight again. And today, officially, I have reached that weight! And that feels fan-bloody-tastic!

Lost In Translation

Have you ever walked past a store display and seen the most amazing outfit that was just so beautiful and looked so good that you just had to rush in and put it on, because it will make you look like a Hollywood starlet? And then you find it in something that resembles your size and contort yourself into it, all the while thinking how life changing this outfit will be? And then you look in the mirror and are faced with the cold hard reality that you look like a circus freak?

M'hmm. We've all been there. You need...

Joni's Top Ten Style Tips #2: Dress for your body type!

My hope is that you are reading this going, "Come on Joni, couldn't you think of something original? We ALL know this!" But, if wishes were horses I'd still be competing in gymkhanas. Even though this message has been jammed down our collective throats for so many years now, I think it's a message that bears repeating. Because, if you're anything like me, then even though you know full well that 3/4 length pants make you look like a hobbit, every summer you still buy a pair.

We all come in different shapes and sizes, which means that what a size 12 dress looks like on one person won't necessarily be what it looks like on another person. It is also why we get that circus freak phenomenon I referred to earlier. Different styles suit different shapes, regardless if you're a size 2 or 22. I get the circus freak phenomenon when I forget that I have hip and try on something designed to make curveless women look like they have curves.

There are endless style guides that will explain how to figure out what your body shape is and how best to dress for it, so I am not going to attempt to educate you What Not To Wear style. You're a big girl, you can figure it out. All I'm saying is, FIGURE IT OUT! Then make yourself your own style guide with all the helpful tips you've found so that you never look like a circus freak again!

Have you mastered that now? Good. Time for Phase Two!

Our shape and size changes over time. We lose weight, we gain weight, we start going to the gym and build up muscles we didn't have before, maybe we gain hips or boobs or ass that were previously missing. However we change, the point is that our shape and size will change. So once we figure out how to dress for our body type, we have to keep an eye on ourselves to make sure our body type is still that which we have learned to dress for.

Now, if there's one thing I can't stand it's when people are insecure about their bodies. Everybody has flaws, and if everybody would just stop obsessively pretending like it's possible not to have flaws, we'd all be better off for it. In the meantime, I'll be at the pool, traumatising the mothers of small children while I walk around the change room in my underwear (true story).

People, women especially, often make some pretty horrible fashion faux pas in an attempt to hide their fat. They may have a lot of fat, or they may need a mental health check and several gallons of ice cream. What they have in common is that they are wearing the wrong size!!!

Now, I must admit, I am currently guilty of this. I have been steadily losing weight for awhile and am now in a position where most of my clothes are too big for me. I recently bought 2 pairs of jeans, and one of them is the right size, the other is a size too big. But, since I am both poor and have every intention of losing more weight, I'm hardly in a position to go out and buy a new wardrobe. So yes, I know I am being hypocritical, but I also know what I'm talking about when I say:

Wearing the wrong size clothes makes you look fat!

For some people, the idea of wearing a size (or 2 or whatever) above what they normally wear is just too much to bear. So, they keep on squeezing into something that just don't fit. Lady, EVERYONE CAN TELL! It's so stupid, because if you just buy something in the proper size, even if you have put on weight, you'll look good and people will be way less likely to notice. If you want examples of this, check out People of Walmart.

For others, the offence is wearing baggy clothes to try and hide the rolls. Congratulations! You now look twice as fat as you actually are! A few years ago I had bought a pair of jeans while on vacation in NYC. I was in a hurry, so I didn't fuss too much with the size. The jeans were always a bit big on me, but my weight was going up and down at the time, so it was nice to have some more roomy jeans on hand. Well! It got to the point where I could step in and out of them without undoing them, and when I pulled on the thigh, let's just say that there was enough material for a lot more thigh. They were so big on me that it wasn't even like they sat loosely on me. They didn't sit ON me at all! I was shocked to realize just how awful I looked in them, and promptly threw them out.

So please, for the love of Gaga, wear the right size. And if you are going through shape/size transitions, of course it would be ridiculous to buy a whole new wardrobe before you reach your goal. But please, a) get rid of the worst offenders (I think a 1 size +/- buffer is fair game); b) when you do go out to buy new clothes, try on a few different sizes to make sure you've got the one that fits you best; and c) these days, jeans are stretchy, so, if they're a bit tight, that's probably the right size.

Thus concludes #2 of Joni's Top Ten Style Tips. Happy Styling Everyone!

You've Got Personality ... So Show It!

Women's engagement with the fashion and beauty industries is one of the many things that divides feminists. In the last year of my undergrad, my academic rival presented a paper at the end of the semester arguing that it is hypocritical of feminists to wear make-up. She stared at me from the front of the class and demanded answers to how I could possibly call myself a feminist with all that gunk on my face. I smiled and chuckled to myself. I don't remember how, or even if, I responded to her attack, but I do know that throughout the semester my outspokenness about my own brand of feminism had unnerved her enough to feel the need to challenge me and my views through her work. That's a victory in and of itself.

Like it or not, we are judged by our appearance. The debates rage on about if this is right or wrong, if and to what degree it is oppressive and/or damaging to women, and whatever else the various factions take issue with. Personally, I don't care if it's right or wrong or whatever else. It is a fact of life and I would rather work with it than struggle against it, largely because to struggle against it would mean to stop judging people by their appearances, and quite frankly I think that's a stupid thing to do.

Why? Because people send cues about who they are and what they are like through their appearance. Of course these cues are never 100% accurate, and individual people will interpret these cues differently. The point is, we all develop the ability to read cues about different people based on our own experiences and these cues can give us important information, like if a stranger is trustworthy. Or, possibly on a more practical day-to-day level, if someone is likely to have similar values to ourselves.

Joni's Top Ten Style Tips #1: Show off your personality!

Given that when you step out your front door people are going to be judging you on how you look, I reckon it's pretty damn important to think about what judgements we want people to be making about us. For instance, if it would really bother you to have people think that you're a lazy slob... clean yourself up and put on some clean clothes before you leave the house! Personally, I cannot stand to be seen as a corporate drone. Actually, I cannot stand to be seen as a cookie cutter version of anything, which is why my own sense of style (amongst other things) is probably best described as consistently inconsistent.

The key to this tip, really, is to know yourself. Once you have a handle on what makes you a shiny unique snowflake, you can start thinking about how best to reflect that in your sense of style.

I know that when it comes to continuums, if for some reason I can't sit smack dab in the middle, I will sit on both ends of the extremes. The best example of this is my gender identity. As my mother will attest, I have always loved frilly girly pink clothes with matching accessories (I still do), and I would punch you in the guts if you called me cute (I promise your guts are safe if you call me cute now). In simplest (reductionist) terms, I have a feminine exterior and a masculine interior. I do not sit in the middle of the gender continuum (androgyny), but straddle both ends simultaneously. What I like best about this aspect of myself is that it means I constantly get to challenge people's assumptions. There is nothing more fun than dressing ultra-femme and showing off my intellectual muscle (or physical muscle, I do still like punching).

Returning to the debates over feminism and fashion for just a moment, I actually think that fashion is an area where men often lose out, though, thankfully, this is starting to change. The sheer options available for women to choose from really do make it quite easy for us to express whatever side of ourselves we want to express. It's only quite recently that men's fashion has started to allow for them to let their personalities shine through. So boys and girls of the world, LET IT SHINE!

In closing, who would I say has mastered this style tip best? Lady Gaga, without a doubt!

When it comes to showing off your personality to the world, Gaga's got it covered! She is my personal fashion icon, and I think there's a lot to be said for how she's taken the world by storm. But possibly that is a blog for another day.

Well my little budding fashionista monsters, that concludes the first of my style tips for you. My aim is that each of my 10 tips will build on the previous one. I hope you have found this useful, and, until next time...

Is there anything more awesome than boobs AND sparklers? I doubt it!

Wardrobe FAIL!

Having a sense of style may be in breach of the Lesbian Code of Conduct, but ladies, some rules need to be smashed to itty bitty teeny tiny bits!! Also, ladies of Melbourne, while I must admit I do think you look hot, butch chic is not the only look there is. Just sayin'.

I have it on good authority that I have a pretty good sense of style. Aside from the "oohs" and "ahhs" I get from my colleagues, I get compliments from strangers on a pretty regular basis, and, my all time favourite, when I was doing that summer intensive in San Francisco one of the women came up to me and said, "Just so you know, what we talk about behind your back is great you dress." TRUE STORY! It's great to have the reassurance because the thing with fashion is, you take risks and sometimes they pay off, and sometimes they fail in oh so very epic ways.

Also, it's nice to hear that people think I put together a pretty good outfit considering that the majority of the time I do conform to the Lesbian Code of Conduct and just wear jeans, runners, and a plain (though colourful) shirt, have kinda greasy hair, and am not wearing any make-up. What can I say? I'm a woman who loves extremes.

Lately I've been thinking about my sense of style and what guides me in my wardrobe choices. And, inspired by my brother's epic music blogging, though down scaling it to a manageable project because I'm not insane, I have decided to share with you, dear readers, my Top Ten Style Tips! Over the coming weeks I will write a blog post about each of my Top Ten Style Tips, and then maybe you too can have people say lovely things about you behind your back on your next trip to San Francisco, or wherever. So that is COMING SOON!

It maybe would have started today, except, today I decided to get all dolled up only to have a wardrobe malfunction that required emergency measures to be taken!

Now, I love wearing skirts. Love love love skirts! But, I think the stats are something like 70% of the time I wear a skirt I end up with it hiked up around my ass as I'm walking down the street. In fact, I have a rule now that if I am going to wear a skirt, I must wear nice underwear because probably I'm going to be showing them off to everyone with eyes (sneak peak: there'll be more on that in my Top Ten Style Tips!) This happens to me enough that I have stopped being particularly embarrassed about it.

Last year I made an especially good show of myself. It was spring and I was enjoying the warming weather. I was wearing one of my favourite skirts, that has a particularly appealing movement to it. From my experience as an undergrad I had learned that when wearing a skirt and carrying a heavy bag, care needs to be taken so that the skirt does not ride up. All day I had taken care to avoid this. But the day was over, I was on my way home, feeling great about life, and feeling confident that I looked great. I had my big 'ol headphones on and was lost in my own little world. I got off the tram and started on my kilometer trek home, stopping at the milk bar for some soy milk on my way. I had a spring in my step and was tossing my long, golden mane of hair in the wind. Some guy across the street was yelling at me, but whatevs, I had my music on and I didn't care what he had to say. It wasn't until I was about to turn into my driveway when I felt the breeze on my bum that I realized what the guy across the street had been yelling at me: "Oi, love, pull yer skirt down!" Whether it had rode up when I got off the tram or when I stopped at the milk bar, I'll never know.

Today I decided I was going to break out a skirt and show some skin, though hopefully not my entire backside. After much deliberation I decided to go with my grey dress and blue-green jumper with these gorgeous grey art deco tights I had not yet worn. I accessorized with my latest awesome hat - a 1930's inspired Beret the same colour as my jumper, a long string of faux pearls, and my "OMG they're reduced by how much?" John Fluvogs. I looked decidedly awesome. The only trouble was, the art deco tights seemed to be some sort of low rise tights that were barely staying up.

Despite the tingling of my wardrobe malfunction spidy senses, I decided that my outfit was too amazing to change and I that I would just make due with the droopy tights. Well, that would have been all fine and dandy if they had actually been drooping instead of rolling down my legs! By the time I crossed the street to the bus stop I knew I was in trouble. But, not wanting to miss my bus, I soldiered on.

I was taking my computer in to get repaired, so I took the bus to Sydney Rd and then walked a couple of blocks down to the repair place. Only, by this time my tights were rolling dangerously low and I was worried they'd soon be around my knees. So I clutched my sides and practically ran into the Barkly Square toilets where I was able to take off the offending tights. Fortunately, I was able to pick something up cheap at KMart to get me through the rest of the day. My outfit is decidedly less awesome without the art deco tights, but, all in all it's still pretty good. Now, if only I could start listening to these warning bells when they go off!

Ars Emoticona

I'm the first to call 'ridiculous' when a TV show puts subtitles on anyone with the slightest hint of an accent or speech impediment, but sometimes, sometimes, I do wish we had a subtitle option in real life. I wish this for two reasons:

First, there's the practicality of it. How many times have you been at a bar yelling small talk over the music to your friends? Or attempting to run a bit of game on some hot young thing? Or, you know, if you're me, finding yourself agreeing to marry some Sudanese man you've just met?

The second reason is because as a Gen Yer, I am anxiously awaiting intravenous internet connections to hit the market. (Seriously dudes, hook that shit up!) I have spent a good deal of my life communicating with friends and family through a computer screen. My oldest friend and I are champion MSN marathon conversationalists. It's an art. You could, and many have, argue that this is a sign of deteriorating language, but, I often find myself speaking and thinking about how I would be representing what I am saying via the computer. Would I be BUSTIN' OUT THE CAP LOCKS? Would 17 questions marks be too many????????????????? Would my in-person blank-faced stare be met with the same understanding as :| is?

I used to think I was alone in my desire to tell people in a verbal conversation how I would represent what I am saying to them in typed text. But, my research has shown me that actually, this is a pretty typical desire for Gen Y's. In fact, in a couple of my interviews people have gone so far as to describe the emoticon they would use to represent how they are feeling, to clarify their verbal description. What's more, I have found this helpful in understanding where they are coming from! Actually, as I am transcribing my interviews, I am constantly fighting the urge to insert little emoticons to represent what my participants were expressing to me through their tone and facial expressions.

Often when I'm talking to people, especially people my age or younger, I can visualize what our subtitled conversation would look like. Often I also think that our conversation would be a lot more fun with the added OMG or }:( or any of these http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_emoticons

One day, when we do have intravenous internet connections, we'll be able to sit down face-to-face with someone, plug into each other, and express ourselves on multiple platforms.

I don't believe that technology is killing communication. On the contrary, I think it's allowing for new forms of creativity and self expression to emerge. And I for one am excited about where this may lead.

He ATE his own children

It was my birthday on Tuesday. I am now an apparently astonishing 28 years old (astonishing to my parents, that is, I'm pretty well aware of my own existence). There are some interesting facts about turning 28 that I've only recently found out. First, it takes 7 years for every cell in your body to regenerate, so I am now a completely physically different person from when I was 21, and 2 different people from when I was 14. Second, it takes 28 years for Saturn to orbit the earth. Apparently this Saturn business is a sign of upheaval; one of my friends advised me that in Roman mythology Saturn ate his own children, so, you can imagine I'm not exactly feeling enthusiastic about my situation here. 27 was chaotic enough thankyouverymuch!

I'm hoping Saturn got all it's child-eating rage out on me already, you know, like over the past 28 years. Hmm, maybe Saturn's been chasing me around eating his kids for the past 28 years and now that he's come full circle and all the kids are ate up he doesn't have any reason to ride my ass. A girl can hope!

For a long time I saw birthdays more as a time to duck for cover than a time to celebrate. But since striking it out on my own in a new hemisphere I've been choosing to celebrate instead of hide. The past 2 years I've organised something, and while that's been fun, I wasn't up for it this year. I was hemming and hawing about what to do for my birthday when the solution came to me: an invitation to a 30th birthday party the weekend before my birthday, and Orlando (a monthly queer night at a nearby pub) the weekend after.

The 30th birthday involved a theme: create a matching outfit. So when I read that I right away thought of those horrible matching track suits (the ones in my imagination were pink velour and I nearly barfed) and I knew I was in for a good time. I'm not a fan of, in fact I am avidly against, the matching suit set look so I really had no idea what to wear. Then it dawned on me: POLKA DOTS! I have an amazing polka dot dress, and, in the course of moving office I rediscovered my polka dot shoes (which are, by far, the most amazing polka dot shoes to ever exist), and I was sorted! I rummaged through my stacks of accessories and pulled out everything spotted until I had the perfect polka dot look.

Since 30 is a pretty big deal, I didn't want to show up for the party empty handed. But being a poor student, splashing out on a present wasn't exactly in the budget. And then I had a moment of creative genius: Smarties cookies!

These cookies were doubly ingenious (in my mind anyways) because they are polka dot cookies, and because the party was for one of the admin staff at my campus, who has to put up with all us smart arse academics all day. Smarties...Smart Arses...get it?

The party was heaps of fun. It was a house party out in Northcote, which I was pleasantly surprised to discover is actually not insanely far from Brunswick. I won't go into the details, but, I ended up drinking half a bottle of rum, showing everyone my underwear (which, thank god, had polka dots), dancing, playing the piano terribly, and sitting out by the fire well past the wee hours of the morning and nearly into the regular hours of the morning. I got home around 5am, picked up a really nasty cough, and nearly died from the brightness of the sun when I crawled out of my bedroom-pit the next morning.

I've spent most of the past week with a nasty cold from this party, but I have no regrets. And I was hardly going to let a little thing like possibly needing medical attention stop me from going out on Friday night again! And again, I have no regrets, Orlando was a hoot! It was one of those nights that was either going to really suck, or be really awesome. It was really awesome. Well, for me. I didn't run into exes or crazy stalker ladies, though I did make a woman in the toilet intensely uncomfortable... Ah, good times, good times.

Maybe Saturn is done harassing me after all. Maybe it's time to just sit back and enjoy the sunshine.