Christmas KABOOM!

Merry Christmas everyone!!!

Much to my surprise, this is actually my fourth Christmas in Melbourne. I'm always surprised at how long I've been living here now. I remember when I first got here, the new Royal Children's Hospital was just starting to be built and was set to open in 2011. I thought that opening day was a lifetime away, but the Queen was just here the other month to officially open it's doors.

I also remember when I first moved here being told what I believed to be a tall story about how one year it snowed in Melbourne on Christmas Day. Yeah, right! It doesn't snow here in winter; there's no way it would snow in summer! Perhaps not, but if you look at some of the pictures of Melbourne this afternoon you wouldn't know it! Apparently someone decided to take one of the polar ice caps and just chuck it down on Melbourne. That's certainly what it sounded like in my apartment earlier anyways! There were some pretty big chunks coming down; unfortunately, as I live in a concrete jungle most of those big chunks broke up into smaller chunks as they hit the ground, so my pictures don't do the storm justice.

I've managed to do pretty well over the past four years, developing a community and a family away from my family. But this was the first year that I found myself without Christmas plans. Well, 'found myself' is a bit deceiving - it was a bit more deliberate than that.

My first Christmas here I was invited to spend the day with the family of a woman from my uni, who is now one of my thesis supervisors. It was a really nice Christmas, and I ended up staying overnight and for a good part of Boxing Day too! My second Christmas I made plans to have an 'orphan's Christmas' with a friend who was not able make it up to Sydney to see her family. We had a picnic lunch in Carlton Gardens and it ended up just being a really lovely afternoon. My third Christmas here my original plans *ahem* fell through, but I was taken in by my first flatmate - who is something of a big sister to me (though a very absentee one at the moment, for she seems to have disappeared off the earth). That Christmas ended up being really enjoyable and relaxing; though it helped that the next morning I was boarding a plane to Hawaii.

This year I thought I'd just see what the various people in my life were up to and just let whatever happened happen. And what happened is that most people I know here weren't orphaned for Christmas this year. Now, I'm sure that if I'd really wanted to I could have gotten myself invited over for someone's Christmas lunch. But I didn't want to. I wish I could be spending Christmas with my family this year, but that's just not possible - and spending it with someone else's family really just isn't all that appealing. When I realized I was facing Christmas alone - unless I started making the rounds with my best puppy dog eyes - I instead decided to embrace having the day to myself. And I'm glad that I did!

While I absolutely love Christmas in summer, it has a habit of sneaking up on me without me really realising. Especially since my family is so far away, so I don't have any of that prep work and planning to deal with. I put up some decorations around the apartment last week, and yesterday I broke out the Christmas music and baked a mountain of ginger snap cookies.

It was hot with humidity yesterday, and me having the oven on in our tiny apartment all afternoon was not exactly making either of us more comfortable. But, I had the tunes blaring and was singing and dancing along like, well, someone on a crazy sugar high, so I didn't mind the heat. I don't really know what the point of me making all these cookies was, given that nobody's really around to share them with. I made Coach take a bag of them with her this morning, but I've still got a mountain of them! A delicious, sugary, mountain...

Christmas is a time for watching movies, so once the cookies were finished Coach and I sat down and watched In America, which is not a Christmas movie, but has that same sentiment and is much more beautiful than probably any Christmas movie I've ever seen (though I've never see It's a Beautiful Life or whatever it's called).

Now, I have this Christmas tradition where I do not sleep at all on Christmas Eve. I actually out grew this a good ten years ago, but by that point I'd trained my family to be woken up at some ungodly hour so well that none of them are able to sleep past 6am and I hardly got any sleep anyways. True to form, I had trouble sleeping last night. I woke up a bit before 4am and went online for a bit - my Mom actually emailed me shortly after 4am to ask if I was up yet, which made me laugh. I did manage to fall back asleep though, to the sounds of low, grumbly thunder and dense rain on the tin roof. I didn't get up until 8:30, and was pretty dazed to find Coach already up and about - usually I've got heaps of time to wake up before I interact with anyone!

I made myself a coffee with eggnog in my special Christmas coffee mug (which, yes, I did bring out from Canada with me), waved off Coach and her brother, then got my computer up and called my Mom on Skype. There was some family over when I called, so I talked to all of them for a bit but it was too crazy so Mom said she'd call me back, and I went and got dressed, made breakfast, and put together a massive fruit salad for my picnic that afternoon. I talked to Mom for an hour, then let her go so I could get on with my own adventures before the severe weather warning came into effect.

I packed up my picnic basket, grabbed Greta, and headed off! I didn't really have a destination in mind; I just wanted to ride around and get some more practice while the roads were pretty empty. I decided I'd check out the Upfield bike path, since it kinda scares me and is the closest bike path to me. Turns out it connects with the Capital City Trail I normally ride on, so it's not actually that necessary for me to use it if I'm going south. Since I was on the Capital City Trail, I figured I'd head east and see what lay beyond Nicholson Street - the furthest I'd ever gone on that path. Pretty soon I was riding along the streets of North Fitzroy, which is handy to know. Or will be handy to know when I get comfortable with riding at night!

I got a bit turned around when I found myself at Rundall Station, which lead to me getting some experience with roundabouts! Ah, remember the days when I could only ride in a straight line? So much has changed since then! I made my way onto the Merri Creek bike trail and decided to head north and gradually make my way home. Again, I got confused about where the bike path was, so I went up St. George's Road...further than I needed to! And that's when it started to really rain. So I pulled over into Batman Park (not that Batman) and took refuge under a tree until the rain died down. It seemed as good a place as any for a picnic, and certainly at least the old man hanging out by the toilets drinking seemed to agree. I was going to offer him some of my cookies, but he was keeping a respectful distance and I decided I didn't really want to strick up a conversation with a random old man drinking out of a suitcase in a park on his own on Christmas Day.

The rain didn't last too long, and once it cleared up I made my way westward. I'd used my picnic time to look up a map on my phone and saw that if I continued down the street I was on I'd reconnect with the Merri Creek bike path again, so that's what I did. By this point the sun was out and it was getting nice and hot. Merri Creek is really pretty, so I decided to ride along it just a little bit more than I needed to to get home and take some pictures.

I made my way back home along the roads, which were empty. I even rode through all the intersections this time - though I'm still not sure how confident I'd be to do that with cars driving alongside me. Some people are idiots, and I don't really fancy putting myself at their mercy. I'm all about taking sensible risks. Like, I've realised my life will be a lot easier when I learn to stand up while cycling. So I spent some time this afternoon practicing. I can now stand up while I'm gliding, and it won't be much longer before I'm peddling as well.

Greta and I had a great time riding around the city. We were out for 2 hours, riding for most of it! I am becoming completely addicted to bike riding - figures! Once the crazy storms let up I think I'll figure out the best route into the city so that I can start riding into uni, seeing as that was the whole point of me buying a bike. Though given my adventures today and going to the gym yesterday, I may not be able to move for the next couple of days!! Ah well, not much stops me these days. I wanted to go out again this afternoon, but when I realised the weather warning was serious I changed my mind and watched Fargo for the first time instead (also an appropriate non-Christmas Christmassy movie, it it's way).

I hope you all have a lovely Christmas, and that you get to spend it doing the things that you want to do.

1001 Reasons

There's always 1001 reasons not to do something...

It's no secret that I've been on a pretty massive journey of self discovery and self transformation as of late. Over the past few months though, I've felt like all the 'theory' has been coming into practice. I've been trying to think about how to phrase it, and as I was confidently riding Greta home from a little trip to Carlton, I came up with it! But I will get to that.

I've been trying to really actively do new things and say yes to new experiences lately. It's involved a lot of listening to myself and taking chances. The events of the past few months have made me realise that you just never know what's going to happen in life, so you'd better make the most of it while you can. And so I have been!

Doing new things sounds simple enough, but the thing is, people are really great at talking themselves out of doing stuff. There's always 1001 reasons not to do something, so if you are going to do something new, the first step is to stop looking at the reasons (excuses) not to.

For instance, for awhile now I've been walking half way to/from uni through North Melbourne. It's a beautiful walk and I find it very relaxing. At the end of a stressful day it's a great way to unwind. At the start of the day it's a great way to just take some time for myself. Since doing the 10k for the Melbourne Marathon, I haven't had much motivation to run. I've gone for a handful of runs in the park, but without something to train towards, pushing through the pain and boredom of running in circles isn't the most appealing option. I often do things out of a curiosity to see what I am capable of, but even that was not be motivation for me; after all, I went from never running in June to running a 10k in October, I'm pretty freggin' capable!

Often on my walks I thought that it would be perfect to run home from uni. It's about 6k, the first half through North Melbourne, the second half through Royal Park. The problem was, there was 1001 reasons for me not to: I have a ton of books to carry home from uni, I'd have to change my clothes, it's getting really hot out, etc etc etc. To my credit, I was working out solutions to these problems. But it still involved me putting the actual running off for some other day.

And then, a couple weeks ago, I just said fuck it. You wanna run home from uni, just make it happen. So I did! I have been playing social netball Wednesdays at lunch (if you don't know what netball is, neither do I, and all I can tell you about it is that it is the most absurd sport I've ever seen) so I was already bringing in my running gear on those days. And surely I could just leave the books at home for one night? All I really needed was my phone, my wallet and my keys, and I have a bum bag for running with those anyways.

So, a couple Wednesdays ago, I just did it! I had thought that the run was going to be mostly downhill - it's not. The first time I did it was killer. Turns out, there's a big difference between going for a run first thing in the morning in October and going for a run in the late afternoon in December - a 10-15 degree difference!! By the time I get home I'm drenched in sweat and exhausted. But it feels so good to just have a cold shower, pop on my pajamas, and spend the evening relaxing. It turns out, all those reasons not to do it were pretty insignificant. I've run home twice now, and the second time was much better. It's a really good challenge, and it's practical, so I plan to continue doing this once a week - provided it's not too hot. Sometimes reasons not to do something AREN'T excuses!!

Another big new thing that I've been up to is riding Greta. We've been getting along much, much better as of late. Over the weekend I went for a bike ride with my new friend - whom I shall refer to as Trouble - and her bike, Sabina. Sabina and Greta really hit it off, and I know Greta is excited to go play with her again! :) Trouble and I have also really hit it off, but that's another story for another time and probably another place!

Since I'm feeling more confident, I've been wanting to just get out and ride places more. Now that I'm on Christmas holidays, I figured I'd ride down to Carlton today and do a bit of shopping. I was nervous about going that far, but determined to just do it. I also wanted to ride on the road for a change, get a bit more practice riding in traffic. So this afternoon I got my stuff together and went to get Greta. I'd had some problems with her tyres over the weekend, and when I checked the back one, it was completely flat. Turns out, I'd split the tube!

At first this sent me into quite the panic. I don't know anything about bikes and I had no idea what would be involved in fixing this problem. I was upset because both my plans for that afternoon and my plans for Christmas Day were suddenly changed. But after sending a few frantic text messages, Hubby came through and advised me it was something that was easily fixed. So I took Greta down the the bike shop around the corner and $20 later, good as new!

And so off I went! I rode along the street until I got to the bike path, then took the bike path through Royal Park to the zoo, rode around the zoo, then popped out a side street and made my way along the Melbourne Cemetary, where I rather randomly ran into one of my friends from uni! All of this was new to me: I'd never been down these paths before, I didn't know what to expect around the next corner. And while I was nervous about it, this is where that shift comes in:

It's not about having confidence in my ability to do something, but having confidence in my ability to be OK if things go wrong.

I'm still a beginner at riding a bike, and I know that sometimes I'll get freaked out or lose control. But by trusting that I can manage whatever comes up along the way, I can just get on with living my life. Whatever happens, I can deal. Knowing this has made me much calmer about, well, everything. It makes saying yes to new experiences a lot easier, given that I'm not worrying about what might go wrong along the way (within reason, obviously).

My ride with Greta today ended up being really great! It didn't take very long to get down to Carlton, and it didn't take long to get home either. I took a different route home, riding up Rathdowne St to Capital Trail. I rode on the street, along side the cars, stopping and starting at the traffic lights. And I was fine! Not only that, but when I got to Park St, the Taco Truck was set up and people were wandering down to have a picnic along the bike path. So I rode over, parked Greta, and bought myself a chicken taco - which was pretty darn tasty! Afterwards I continued on the bike path, and I was actually able to make it all the way up the steep hill that every other time I've gone on I've had to stop and walk part way up. I didn't actually have to stop at any point, and was able to weave my way between pedestrians, oncoming bikes, and road traffic without incident. I'm feeling pretty darn confident to ride all over town now!

After all, whatever happens along the way, I'll deal.

Conquering Greta

When I was a little kid, I used to ski. I was pretty good at it too, lending support to the stereotype I've come across in Australia that Canadian children are born with skis on their feet. We're not born with skis on our feet; it's just, when it's winter 8 months of the year and you live beside the mountains, skiing's what you do! You spend enough time with skis on your feet, you're bound to develop some skill.

So after a few seasons, I was pretty good. I could go off on my own on the easier trails, and I could do some of the harder ones too if I had an adult with me. I was on my way to skiing become a lifestyle when suddenly I found myself wrapped around a tree. It was so bizarre! One minute I was speeding down the slope, turning to stop at the halfway point on the hill, and win the race I was having against my Dad and Pat (who was only 5 and just learning to ski). Then next minute I was staring up at the ski, wondering why I was staring up at the ski and who was crying. Twenty years later I still don't have any memory of what happened between starting that turn and lying on the ground. I hit that tree so hard that it wiped what I assume was a couple of minutes of my life clean from my memory.

That's the kind of thing that sticks with you - not the memory of it, obviously, but the experience. It wasn't until I started learning to ride a bike that I realized just how much that experience has stuck with me; how much fear it has given me.

I never did get back into skiing after that. I remember going cross country skiing on a Girl Guide's trip one time and making some progress then. I had really enjoyed cross country skiing, and eager to get me back on track to a skiing lifestyle my Dad bought me a pair of cross country skiis for Christmas. Unfortunately, whatever progress I had made was quickly undone. While everyone else was off ice staking at McKenzie Lake, I was trying out my new skis. Everything was fine, until I found myself on top of a mid-sized hill not too far off from the frozen lake. Rationally I knew I could ski down the hill and be OK; even if I felt like I lost control, there weren't any trees and I knew all I had to do to stop was fall over. It didn't matter; I was frozen with panic at the top of that hill. I actually had to take my skis off and walk down the hill. I don't think I ever put them on again.

Since buying Greta, it's taken me awhile to actually get out and get riding. I needed someone to help me, and finding someone to do this was easier said than done. But, when my new flatmate (who I will affectionately call Coach) moved in, she was really keen to get me riding. So one sunny Friday afternoon we headed out to one of the nearby parks and my riding lessons began. Coach would hold on as I peddled, helping to correct me and running alongside me...and more than occasionally would get run into by me. Gradually I improved. She didn't need to correct me so much, or hold on quiet so much.

I remember the first time Coach let go: I had been doing pretty good with her only lightly holding on, so she let go. I knew she'd let go and I panicked. I actually froze up. And moments later came to a crashing stop. I'd had this flashback to my skiing accident, to being completely unable to control wrapping myself around a tree. I'm pretty sure that first time on Greta I very nearly wrapped myself around a fence!

That fear of losing control runs deep. So deep that I hadn't even noticed it was there. It wasn't until Coach let go and I realized I really had no idea what I was doing that the fear leapt up from its depths. And I was terrified. But I knew, I absolutely knew that I had to keep going. After a quick debriefing with Coach we agreed to try again, and that she would not let go this time out, even if I was doing really well. With that comfortably in mind, I was able to keep going and the terror subsided.

It actually took quite a long time before I was able to let Coach let go. We always negotiated if she would be letting go or not, and I always felt confident in my ability to stop the bike, or at least fall off the bike, with a minimum of injury to myself should I need to. The trust was there, both in her promise to hold on for as long as I needed and in my ability to be OK when she did let go. But even still, it was easier said than done. The next time Coach let go, she also stopped running beside me. I was riding perfectly fine, but when I realized that she wasn't right there beside me, I just froze up and crashed into the fence. Again. So we debriefed again and she agreed to continue running beside me while I got used to being on my own. Even though by this point we were both well aware that she was much better off being far, far away from me and Greta when I crashed into something!! That's friendship!

About a week after running the 10k, once I'd had my 'recovery' period, we headed out again! This time, Coach would help me get started, but then I would be riding on my own. We practiced on a paved footpath that runs beside a soccer field. Along the narrow side of the soccer field. My goal was to ride to one side and back without crashing. I was getting closer and closer; but still having a few too many close calls with the fence. Then, finally, I did it!! I made it to from one side to another without crashing!!! Now it was time for my triumphant return.

The funny thing about losing control is that if you just surrender to it, you'll be OK. Instinct takes over, and either you recover or you minimize the damage you're about to cause to yourself. I know this! I practice this! Many, many times when I've been horseback riding or walking on a slippery path, I have had that moment of realization that I have lost control, and I have just let it happen, and fallen with grace. Every time that I have surrendered to that loss of control, I've come out OK. Every.Time. And yet, sometimes when I sense I am losing control, I fight it. I fight it and I rail against it, and I make the situation a lot worse. And that is what happened upon my triumphant return.

I had almost made it to the end of the path when I started to tip over. I tried to straighten up, but then I just went too far over to the other side. Again, I tried to correct myself, and... wound up lodging Greta onto my leg. I lay on the path on my side, one leg on top of the other, with my top leg stuck between Greta's tyres. Coach had to come over and literally pry Greta off of me. Here's a picture of my bruises the morning after!

And a week later...

It's been 3 weeks now, and that big one on my calf is nearly gone. The others are gone, and been replaced by a few new ones. I got back on Greta after that rather spectacular stack. I had to lay on the ground in agony for a bit first, then walk it off, but I got back on and eventually did make it to one side of the field and back again.

My legs were pretty freggin' sore after that crash, so I wasn't super keen to go out riding again. But on Saturday Coach and I headed out to the park for one more round. This time I was going to work on turning and she was only going to help me with getting going. As it turned out, I didn't need her to help me at all! I hopped on Greta and took off all on my own!

I was glad to have Coach there, even if she was only there for the moral support. And to take pictures!! Which she did with aplomb. I still had a bit of trouble getting going (as in I'd nearly topple over trying to get my balance), and stopping in time was a bit dicey, and my turning left a lot to be desired. But I was riding all on my own and building up my confidence! And developing all sorts of calluses on my palms from my death grip on the handle bars.

The death grip is starting to lessen now though. Slowly, slowly. After my success on Saturday I felt confident to go out on my own. In fact, as we headed back to the apartment to enjoy our celebratory oversized beers, I decided to ride through the other park, instead of walking my bike back like I normally would. And I just took off!

Since Saturday I've been out riding on my own twice. The first time was Monday evening. There were lots of people and dogs in the park, so I was absolutely drenched in terror sweat as I tried not to run into anyone (and thereby nearly ran into everyone). There's these bridges in the park, and they just go over little dips, but going over the edge of the bridge on a bike would do some serious damage! Every time I had to go over a bridge, I panicked. One bridge in particular, for some reason, I continually crashed into and had close calls on. I don't know why. But every time, I made myself keep riding over it.

I went for another ride today, earlier in the afternoon when fewer people were around. I did great!! I didn't crash into anything. I still freaked out going over the bridges, but I was a lot calmer and therefore didn't have any close calls! I had a goal to do 3 laps of the park without crashing, and then I can go play in traffic. I did that today, but given that the park was pretty much empty, I think I need to do it again when it's busier. But it certainly won't be long before I'm actually going places! I now just need to build up my confidence to ride in a straight line...then I can go play in traffic!

The Final Frontier

As those of you who have been following my blog over the past year will know, I have been on a pretty intense journey of self-transformation. There have been lots of first, lots of triumphs, and a few injuries along the way (but my stories about Greta are for another blog on another day). If through some crazy loop in the space-time continuum someone was to meet the me of now and the me of four years ago (the me excitedly preparing to blow that Popsicle stand called Calgary for a new life down under), I wonder if they would recognise us as the same person? I know I would, because I know that who I am today is who I always have been. I'm just no longer holding myself, or letting anyone else hold me, back.

I like to compare myself to Kanye West, and while he describes himself as the illest motherfucker alive, over the years I have earned my street cred as the stubbornest motherfucker alive. When I made my mind up about something, that was that! Logic played no part in this; it was sheer bloody mindedness. I will admit to you now that there were many, many, many times where I thought: "Damn, I wish I could ride a bike!", "That trout looks really yummy.", "What does steak taste like, anyways?"

The irony in all of this is that while I was so determined to hold on to these ridiculous battalions of stubbornness, because nobody could tell me what to do, I was unquestioningly living my life by the standards and expectations of other people. For instance, up until the age of 26 I'd never questioned that I would one day get married (to some guy) and have kids, even though the thought of doing so filled me with absolute terror. I still remember the exact moment when I decided that I could choose not to do those things. I could take you to the exact spot I was standing as that wave of relief hit me.

Since that moment, bit by bit, I have been calling every single thing about my 'self' into question. It was slow and cautious at first, but now I am quite used to turning my world upside down and inside out. Now when the chance for some new moment of self-discovery comes my way I just shrug and say "Why not?" After all, how can you really know yourself unless you actively explore all the possibilities of what you could be? Like just the other day, I was hungry and I wanted to know if I liked fish and chips... So I went and bought myself some fish and chips (and they were delicious)!

An interesting side note to this self-discovery business: while that mostly means saying yes to new experiences, it can just as importantly be about saying no to old experiences. Discovering what your life could be like without something or someone is a lot more challenging, but you inevitably discover so much more about yourself this way. But again, that's now what I want to talk about in this blog post.

I am notoriously known for two streaks of stubbornness: refusing to learn how to ride a bike, and refusing to eat red meat. I've discussed my bike riding in previous blogs, and I promise to give you all the full scoop on my adventures with Greta soon. But right now, I want to talk about my long lived reputation as a 'fussy eater'.

At the tender age of 3 I declared that I would not eat red meat. And that was the end of that. My family tried, repeatedly, for many years, to get me to try it. But no. My mind was made up and nothing they did was going to change it. Eventually they gave up on trying to force me and settled for subtle nagging. We all endeared many family dinners where some alternate dish was prepared for me, and some stink was made about how I refused to eat like a normal person. (I wouldn't really know about being a 'normal' person, but it sounds terribly overrated!) Interestingly, when I decided to become a vegetarian, the label of 'fussy eater' seemed to disappear. And I certainly was more adventurous in my eating as a vegetarian than I had been as a meat eater.

I was a vegetarian for 7 years. And then... I can imagine how from certain perspectives it would have looked like I was changing myself for someone else, but that was not at all what happened. My decision to become a vegetarian had always been about needing to change my lifestyle to eat healthier. It had been the right decision for a long time. But it was a decision I had also been questioning for a long time. Even before I got onto my whole fitness kick, I questioned whether vegetarianism still held any real relevance for my life. I quietly debated ending my vegetarianism for a good two years before that fateful chicken burger earlier this year. People have asked me if the transition from vegetarian to meat eater was difficult. I thought it would be, but it was not. My body was craving meat, and when I gave in to those cravings, my body was happy! I've felt great, I've had more energy, and I'm not quite as pale anymore.

What's been interesting for me is how my relationship to meat has changed. Before I became a vegetarian, I was very finicky about what meat I would and would not eat. I didn't like handling meat, and if I didn't know for sure what I was eating, chances were, I wasn't going to eat it. When I started eating meat again, I was finicky at first. But I asked myself why, and realised it was out of habit and not actually out of any sort of queasiness about eating meat.

You see, pre-vegetarianism eating meat was not something I had chosen to do; it was simply the assumed default position (much like heterosexuality). When I decided to start eating meat again after 7 years of vegetarianism, it was a very conscious choice. I was choosing to eat animals. I was choosing to eat the flesh of another living creature. I was OK with this. So why would chopping raw meat bother me? Why would a vein gross me out? When I thought about it like that, it stopped bothering me.

Which then got me thinking... what's my beef with beef?

I know that when I was 3 I declared that I did not like the taste of red meat, but that was 26 years ago and well, a lot has changed!! I wanted to try red meat, but was not willing to purchase it on my own in case I actually didn't like it (after all, I am still a broke ass student). Then on Friday, the opportunity presented itself and I pounced!

It was a friend's birthday, and a bunch of us went out for dinner at a rather delightful pan-Asian restaurant called Rice Queen. Being a broke ass student, I have not actually gone out for dinner at many restaurants in Melbourne. Rice Queen made me realize that I will need to remedy this the moment I have a real income. It was just such a cool place, with amazing cocktails and great food. We ordered entrees to share, one of which was duck pancakes. Pre-vegetarianism, duck was on my long list of meats I didn't eat. From what I'd heard about it, it didn't sound like the most appetising of meats. But there it was, and there I was. So I made myself a duck pancake and you know what? It was pretty tasty! It wouldn't be my first choice, but if someone was serving something with duck in it, I would give it a go.

When it came time to order mains, I was flummoxed. I wanted to order the Vietnamese salad, which you could get with beef or tofu. I wanted to try beef, but I wanted to order the tofu. And then... one of the other women said she was contemplating the beef salad. So I proposed a trade: she order the beef, I order the tofu, and we do a swap. She accepted!

And so, for the first time in 26 years...

I. Ate. Beef.

As you can probably tell from the look on my face, I didn't love it. But, I didn't hate it either. When it first hit my mouth, I thought it was quite good. But then it was a bit grizzly and kind of bland. Which is exactly how I remember beef tasting from those occasions when some would get slipped into my food. I don't foresee me ordering any steaks in the near future, but, I am willing to give beef in other varieties a go. I also want to try other kinds of red meat, particularly kangaroo. If I happen to like the taste of kangaroo, it would be easy to integrate into my diet. I definitely like the idea of eating a wild animal that exists in abundance more than an animal that is farmed (and over bred) specifically for food. The beef industry does not sit well with me, and I don't imagine that's going to change any time soon, even if I do suddenly really start liking the taste of beef.

So there you have it. I finally ate beef. That last battalion of stubbornness has been torn down!

Leveled Up

I wonder what I would have said at Thanksgiving last year if someone had told me that in a year I'd compete in a 10k race... It wouldn't have seemed impossible, but the prospect certainly would have been overwhelming! If you told me right now that next year I'd compete in a half-marathon I'd be surprised, but not shocked...a full marathon would shock me (and no, I don't think so)!

So many people have said to me that 10k is a really fun distance to run, and before this morning, I thought they were all crazy. But guess what?! It is!! For all the training I've done for this event, the most I ever ran was 6k. And it was tough! I find now that I can get through 5k pretty easily; I struggle at the 3k mark for a bit, but once I push through that it's smooth sailing. Because, you know, I get to stop running in another 2k!

I was really not sure how I'd go with the 10k race. A colleague's well intended caution about how she'd injured her knee doing a 10k, tight calf, thigh and muscles, and a forecast for rain were not helping me think positively! Nor was the discovery that I'd have to take a taxi to the event, as the trams and trains wouldn't be running early enough to get me there.

The race started at 7:30am, I booked a taxi for 6:40, and set my alarm for 6:00. And woke up at 5am, to discover it was pouring rain. The day before I had decided I'd forgo my morning coffee, as I normally wait until after my morning run to have one. But, given that it was 5am and I was up and feeling pretty shitty about it all, I figured why not? I'm very glad I had that coffee! As soon as I did, my mood changed and, though unrelated, the rain let up. Now I was excited to get out there and run!! I'd also decided that I'd have a couple teaspoons of peanut butter for 'breakfast', even though I don't normally eat anything before a run. This was a mistake. Not too bad of one, but come the 3k mark I had regrets!

My office hubby lives around the corner from the MCG (where the race started and finished), and he was running in the half marathon. We had decided to meet up after the race, and I'd left a change of clothes with him so that afterwards I could just go back to his place, have a shower, change, and then we could get food. I'd packed this bag expecting the weather to be pretty decent, so I figured I'd better bring something warm with me to the race and leave it at the clothing drop. In retrospect, it would have been a better idea to have left my change of clothes at the clothing drop, but you live and learn!!

The taxi trip didn't take long, so I got to the MCG nice and early, leaving me plenty of time to drop off my jumper, pee, stretch, and find the start line. And you know what happened? Just before the 10k kicked off, the sun came out!!

Yup, I was all smiles as we lined up to start the race! When I did the 5k, I started out fast and was really flagging by the end, so I was determined to start out slow this time. And man, was it hard!! Everyone seemed to be passing me, and my body was aching to get some speed going. I wanted to take the first kilometer pretty slow, and I did manage to keep the first 500m to a nice, slow, 'warm up' pace. Then I slowly started increasing my speed and finding a good pace.

I had the foresight to make a specific playlist for this run (and to bring both my ipod and iphone, just in case) of songs that would pump me up to run to. I put the list on shuffle, and somehow, it played just what I needed when I needed it! Around the 4k mark Beyonce's 'Run The World'. I cranked up the volume as high as I could stand and FLEW!!! In the 4 minutes of that song, I ran at least 1000m and probably closer to 1500m. It was fucking AWESOME!!!!! No, like, there's awesome, and then there's what I did between the the 4 and 6k marks. It's a whole other level!

Of course, once that song ended, you could barely call what I was doing running. So much so that I quickly gave up the ghost and just walked for a bit. But then Kanye West's 'Power' came on, and it just would have been disrespectful not to run to that song!! Even if it was still a slow run.

I was a bit weary of having a drink while I was running as I didn't want to get a cramp, but when the second drink station came up after I'd done that insane sprint, I just couldn't turn down a drink of 'green'! I really only had a few little sips of it before tossing it aside, but it was enough to give me a much needed energy boost, without any cramps.

Then the second best thing happened: Pink's 'Raise Your Glass' came on, and I cranked up the volume again and started to speed up. And as I'm running along and she's telling everyone to raise a glass to me, I look around me, and I'm running through the third drink station...where everyone's got a glass raised to me!!! That put a massive smile on my face. :D

Shortly after that though, I was feeling it and had to slow down to a walk again for a bit. There's this big bridge that goes over Birrarung Marr and into the MCG, and I allowed myself to walk until I got to the bridge. The plan was to start running when I got to the bridge - which meant running up a fairly decent incline - and just keep going until the finish line. I got up the incline, but then what I was doing wasn't running, so I decided to let myself walk over and down the bridge and THEN run the final 1500m stretch. As I came to the end of the bridge, I was sort of looking down, trying to pump up the volume on my phone so I could just push myself for that last bit, and when I looked up, I had a massive dizzy spell and nearly fell over. So I knew what that meant: NO MORE WALKING!! My body had been pushed to it's limit, and the only way I was going to finish was to keep pushing, and pushing hard!

As I said, my playlist really came through for me over and over again; this time with a couple songs from Kanye West and Jay-Z's collaborative album 'Watch the Throne'. The last stretch of the run was this really annoying loop. We ran down this path, then turned around and ran back, did a circle, and then came to the finish line after a sudden corner turn. It wasn't the best organised event I've been to. As I started the loop, I was really confused about if the race ended at the end, or if it ended somewhere else. I wasn't sure if I should be going balls out or reserving that last push for a bit longer. But System of a Down's 'Bounce' helped give me some last minute energy to finish off the annoying loopy part of the track.

When I got to the circle part - the part I now know is where I should have been going balls out - guess what song came on? Jay-Z's 'Blue Magic'! I couldn't think of a more perfect song to cross the finish line to. But like I said, I was really confused about where the finish line actually was. I was looking for a big FINISH sign like they had at Run Melbourne, so it almost dawned on me that I was in the home stretch too late. I wondered why all these spectators were staring all expectantly at me!! Once I did figure it out, I put the pedal to the medal and sprinted to the finish, with the crowd giving me a big cheer along.

I do have to say, the way the finish area of the race was set up was enough to make me not want to run in the Melbourne Marathon events again. After I passed the finish line I wanted to ease down into a walk, but had to really abruptly stop so as not to run into a heap of people who were just standing around trying to sort themselves out. And instead of having heaps of people handing out water bottles and energy drinks, I had to queue for a little cup of some watery 'yellow' and a couple orange slices. AND I didn't get any swag!! They did have a couple nice things going for them though: a volunteer actually put my medal around my neck and congratulated me (and commented on how I was still smiling after running 10k), and they had professional photographers taking your picture if you wanted it. Obviously you're meant to pay for this picture if you want copies, but I intend to do no such thing!! I can take my own picture, after all! ;)

Once I'd stretched out, used the toilet, and picked up my jumper I headed over to hubby's place where his wife did a wonderful job playing host, even though he hadn't slept yet on account of an after party for a play he'd been in that closed the night before. He also informed me that my clothes were not at their apartment, but I've been lent a very comfy jumper. And given that they let me use their shower and fed me, I'm not about to complain!! Hubby and his bestie made it home about an hour later - and can I just say, what an amazing effort from them both!! They did an amazing job running the half marathon and should be damn proud of themselves!

The rest of the morning/afternoon was spent with the 3 of us curled up on the couch, having a total junk food binge, while watching Hedwig and the Angry Inch. I don't think I have ate anything of any sort of nutritional value today. Ha! And when I left hubby's, I stopped at 7/11 and bought an ice cream!! And now I'm gonna go get a pizza for dinner. Hahahaha! Whatever, no guilt! I ran at least 9 of those 10k!!!

It feels really good to have done that race. I'm so glad that hubby peer pressured me into signing up!! I don't know when my next race will be, but I think I'll be taking a bit of a break. Summer is coming up, and I really want to start riding my bike!! Also, in a possible bout of insanity, I've just agreed to join the ARCSHS netball team. What is netball? Fuck if I know! Something vaguely resembling basketball. There's a lunchtime league that plays on Wednesdays in Flagstaff Gardens starting at the end of the month...and that's where you'll find me!

I'm still going to continue running. It's such an easy, affordable and effective workout! I'm thinking that until I've got something specific to train for, I'll stick to doing 5k runs in the park, and work on sprinting. I absolutely LOVE the way my body feels when I sprint. I'm not particularly interested in running a half-marathon. 10k was a good distance and a good challenge, and honestly, I don't see the point in long distance running. There's much more applicability in my day-to-day life for sprinting: running for the tram, chasing down muggers, that sort of thing. ;)

Tomorrow I will be stiff, I can feel it already!! I'm going to go for an itty bitty swim and a gooooood long soak in the spa in the morning. Can't wait!

Gettin' It Done!

This past week has been pretty awesome, I must say! My new flatmate moved in on Saturday and we're settling in nicely. Especially as she keeps doing my dishes for me!! I feel very spoilt. :) Sunday was all about sun, suprises, and pirates in the park. Monday I ran a new personal best, then went to uni and got a ton of work done. Tuesday I submitted my first completed draft of my first data chapter, or, the first one that I think won't need to be entirely scrapped and rewritten. It felt SOOOOO good to send that off. Better than finishing my theory chapter even, which was surprising.

Wednesday was an impromptu lunch with one of my friends from uni to discuss the very secretive business of this year's Christmas party. I'm very excited for the upcoming shenanigans! Thursday, due to insomnia, I was up really early and managed to get to the pool an hour earlier than normal. I had a really great swim, and since I'd gotten there so early, when I finished my regular 70 laps I decided to take my time and do an extra 10. Yup, that's 80 laps, or 2.4km. Goal achieved!!

And then there's today! I actually managed to sleep last night, so I didn't wake up until after 7am (which is quite the sleep-in for me these days). I decided to risk the path in the park being washed out and went for a run in the park...and again ran a new personal best!! What up! Then my new flatie and I went for breakfast at my favourite Brunswick cafe and I showed her my favourite book store. AND THEN we took Greta out for a spin!!

My third time out on Greta, and I am getting very close to being able to ride a bike! My balance and steering are improving, as is my ability to get my feet on the pedals and start going. And I'm learning how to use my breaks, and am getting the hang of slowing down and stopping. I'm still not quite ready to go on my own, but that's not far off. We even found THE perfect spot to practice: a very flat, paved footpath surrounding a footy field. It won't be long before Greta and I are cruising the streets of Melbourne (or at least of Brunswick)!

I haven't talked about it much on here, but in a mere 10 days I'll be running the 10k leg of the Melbourne Marathon!!! I still haven't actually ran 10km yet... but that's OK. I'd love to be able to run it in under 60 minutes, but I'll be quite happy to finish in under 75. I wouldn't say that I'm ready for the race, but I am willing and able. This week I'll be carbing up and gearing up. I want to get at least a couple more runs in before the big day, along with a swim and a session at the gym (tomorrow, not next weekend! No way I'm running 10km after all those squats!!) Physically, I'm feeling great these days! And super energetic. I work out in the morning, then by the afternoon I feel like going again. So even though I haven't ran 10km yet, I think I'm gonna be just fine on the day! Guess I'll find out soon enough!!

How To Date Yourself

I've been living on my own for two weeks now, and it's been an interesting experience. At first I hated it! It was so quiet when I'd come home, and I felt starved for conversation. Plus, there was nobody to get annoyed at for the dishes piling up on the bench, as they were all mine. But soon enough I found myself looking forward to coming home to my empty apartment, where I could wander around pantless to my heart's content and take over the kitchen table with my uni work. I even started doing my dishes in a timely manner (helped, of course, by my neighbours' naked bathroom antics). It's been fun, and enlightening to realize that maybe one day when I can afford to, I might enjoy living on my own. My new flatmate moves in next weekend, and I am looking forward to that! It'll be fun to have some 'new blood' in my life.

Living on my own has got me thinking about being on my own. I've spent more of my adult life single than not, so it's hardly new to me. I've learnt a thing or two about dating and being single as the years have gone by and the exes have pile up. For one, when a relationship ends, it's always a good thing. It'll take some time to actually feel that way, but inevitably I find myself thanking my lucky stars that I'm no longer the passenger on a train destined for disaster. After all, if the relationship worked (really, truly) it wouldn't have ended.

Now, apparently I'm not fooling anyone if I try to say that I'm happy being single, but I am. I would prefer to be in a relationship, sure, but I'll take being single over being in a shitty relationship any day of the week! One of the things I like best about being single is dating. This wasn't always the case. Back in the days of my repressed homosexuality the thought of having to date was enough to drive me to accept a relationship with whatever man came along. Turns out, dating's a heck of a lot more fun when you do it with the right gender! What is both great and horrible about lesbian dating is that when you meet up with a girl, you're never sure if it's a 'date' or 'just coffee'. And whatever it is for you, it's likely not the same for her. That may sound horrible, but I love it! Though, to be fair, I do rather enjoy making my life more complicated than it ever need be.

I love meeting new people and getting to know them, seeing if there's a connection or not. And I especially love bad dates! Like the time I saw Sex and The City II. As if it wasn't enough that the movie was a crime against humanity, at one point my date turned to me and said "I always wanted Carrie to end up with Aidan." What the fuck?! I nearly got up and walked out of the theatre, it was so over for me in that moment. But I didn't. I eventually, reluctantly, agreed to another date and crushed her hopes then. On a more recent 'just coffee' date, I said that I'm really not too concerned with what other people think of me. I think she believed me by the time we parted ways. That's another thing I've learnt: if they can't accept me as I am, don't bother. Though, that one's still a work in progress. There's that whole 'good first impression' thing, so if I do think I'd like to see them again, I've realized I need to not be quite so full on with the 'being myself' stuff. Although... if I'm full on and they do stick around for a second date, I believe protocol allows me to hire a U-Haul for said date.

I'm mentioned before that Kanye West has altogether too much insight into my life. Recently I was walking home and listening to one of his songs when a lyric I've heard a hundred times struck me like a frying pan across the face because it sums up my attitude towards dating so well:

But I know that God put you in front of me

So how the hell could you front on me?

There's a thousand yous;

There's only one of me

Ladies and Gentlemen, I am probably going to be single for a looooooooooong time! Granted, maybe one day I'll meet Kanye and we can discuss what, exactly, this 'anything' is he's willing to do for a blonde dyke. (Speaking of which, I was looking through my pictures yesterday, and while I looked good as a brunette, I look better as a blonde. Well, with this haircut I certainly do!)

Given that I have no way of knowing if I'll meet my perfect woman tomorrow or ten years from now (who will be so perfect she'll find my Kanye West-esque attitude charming and delightful) I've got to make the most of being single: I've got to date myself!

Single or not, I think the ability to take yourself out on a date is a skill that every woman, if not everyone, should develop. I take myself on some pretty awesome dates. Possibly too awesome. When I go out on dates with other people, they usually don't live up to the ones I take myself on.

Dating yourself is not meeting up with your girlfriends; it is not sitting at home with a tub of ice cream and a box set of chick flicks; and it is not going to the salon to get yourself prettied up for someone else's benefit!

Dating yourself is about scheduling time out to spend with yourself doing the things you enjoy doing, but don't make the time to do. It's about doing things for yourself that you would normally just do for someone else. It doesn't have to be anything particularly fancy, as long as it's all about doing whatever you fancy.

The past month my workload has been completely insane, and it's not getting any lighter. And while I've gone out on 'dates' since LC and I broke up, I couldn't remember the last time I'd taken myself out on a date. So I said to hell with my workload and scheduled in a Saturday date with myself. I got up early and did some work, then headed to the gym for the first time in 3 weeks. That wasn't technically part of the date, but, it made me feel good and if I had been going on a date with someone else I would've been sure to get to the gym first, and that is the point of taking yourself on a date as opposed to, you know, taking yourself to run errands. I came home, showered, got changed, and headed out. It was ridiculously nice out, so I decided that I'd walk from my place to Carlton, where I planned to grab a late lunch, buy myself something nice and unnecessary, and catch a movie at my favourite cinema.

It was a completely awesome afternoon! I love wandering around Carlton, and I hadn't done it in a really long time (and an even longer time on my own). There's always good people watching in Carlton, and lots of pretty girls (yeah, yeah, yeah, I know they're all like 20 year old undergrads, whatever! They're still cute!). And everyone is there to enjoy themselves. Or shoot someone. Either way, there's excitement to be had! After lunch I wandered through the shops, knowing I could buy myself whatever I liked with the money I had set aside for this date. I thought it would be clothes, but it ended up being books! Which was great because I've been in a real book slump for a few months now, where not much is grabbing my attention. When I have been able to get into a book I dread it ending because I know it's going to be ages before I find something else to read. But now I've got a backlog of books I'm excited to read!

I had time to kill between my shopping and the movie starting, so I went and lay in the sun in a park for awhile, while a bunch of people my age square danced. I have no idea what that was all about, but they looked like they were having fun. I thought about going closer to check it out, but I wasn't actually interested. After the gym and the walk and the shopping, I really just wanted to lay in the warmth of the sun and not do anything at all. Which is exactly what I did. Then I went and saw 'Begginers', which was absolutely beautiful. I don't care what those harpies sitting beside me said about it! Ewan McGreggor is a gorgeous man and a talented actor, but he really cannot do an American accent. The resulting awkwardness in his speech actually really suited his character though, so it works out.

I planned on taking the tram and bus home, but when I got to the bus stop I discovered it was too late. So I walked, and I'm glad I did. It was such a beautiful evening. I came home feeling refreshed and at peace with myself. Whatever happens with the other people who come into and out of my life, I'm always going to have myself. It was really nice to take some time out from everything just to remind myself of how much I actually do like myself and enjoy my own company.

I recommend you do the same.