Zhiben Hot Springs: Day 6, 7, 8

In my last update I was sitting in a friendly cafe in Taitung, now I am at the end of my stay at the hot springs resort Hotel Royal Chihpen and I am very sad to be leaving this afternoon. I will be taking a bus from the hotel to Taitung station, and then a train back to Taipei for my last few days in Taiwan.

Surprisingly delicious

My last morning in Taitung I went back to Dante's for breakfast, hoping to try the waffles. They didn't have any waffles though, so my next plan was to just order the weirdest thing I could find on the menu. This ended up being a lychee flavoured latte and a ham and egg sandwich, with peanut butter. The latte was OK, but please Melbourne, it doesn't need to be a thing! The sandwich, much to my surprise, was delicious! Not exactly a combination I would have thought to put together, but, it actually really hit the spot!

I had a fair bit of time before I would be able to check in at the resort, so I left my suitcase at the hotel and went in search of the nearby bus station. Which was completely empty. Confused, I went back to my hotel to see if they knew anything. The receptionist only spoke a little bit of English, but with the help of Google Translate we were able to sort things out! Turns out the bus station near the hotel wasn't operating and I needed to go to the old train station. This was also only a short walk away, so I headed over to figure out tickets and wander around. It was incredibly hot and I was very happy to find a refreshing apple iced tea drink.

The bus dropped me down there

Taking the bus seemed like it would be easy. It was only $65 (less than $3 AUD) to get from Taitung to the Zhiben hot springs. For some reason I thought all the hotels would be near each other and the bus would just drop me off in a big parking lot and I'd have a short walk to my hotel. Not quite. The first problem was the bus driver had no idea where I was going, and I had no idea he had no idea (I realise how dumb that sounds). So I'd gotten on the bus and caused quite a bit of confusion. During the trip some young girls came up to me with their tablet and again Google Translate sorted us out!

The bus climbed up the mountain road, gradually letting everyone else off. Then, suddenly, the driver pulled over in what seemed like the middle of nowhere and told me I had to walk the rest of the way up some narrow side street that seemed to have no end. With my suitcase in tow. I feel like there's a very classic movie scene where some white lady is dropped on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere with her bags and has to sort it out and that was me. It ended up not being that big of a walk, but, I didn't know that when I started! It was up a very steep hill, with my suitcase, in the afternoon heat, with my dodgy hip... I was a sweating, dying mess by the time I reached the hotel!!

My room <3 td="">

When I got to my room though, it was totally worth it! It's absolutely beautiful here and I do not want to leave. I'm told it's normally much more beautiful here but many of the trees on the mountainside were knocked over during the typhoon. I'd thought about staying for 3 nights, but, that would have meant a shorter overall trip to Taiwan and I'm glad that I've had the time here to explore. I would definitely come back, to Taiwan and to this hotel. There's so much to see!

So after I had collapsed onto the bed in a heap and recovered from my trek up the mountain I got settled into my room and had a much needed shower. The reason I chose this hotel over the others in this area is because it has private hot springs baths in the rooms. The shower water is also from the hot springs, and as soon as I got in the shower I knew I needed to get in that bath!

Worth the money!

There are quite a few hot springs facilities at this hotel, but being able to just relax into my own private bath in my room was a very nice treat. I had a bath when I first got here, and another one before bed last night.

My booking came with breakfast and dinner buffets (thank god! resort food is so expensive and there's no other options at hand) and after my bath I headed down for dinner. The buffet was excellent, with a variety of Taiwanese, Chinese, Japanese, and Western options. Apparently the rice here is some of the best rice in the world!

The server who took me to my table was a young woman with a funky undercut who I quickly found myself befriending. She complimented me on my hair and I showed her my undercut and we chatted about what I was doing in Taiwan and where I'd come from. I'm quite happy travelling on my own and keeping to myself, but it is nice to meet people and form bonds, even if just short lived. It's made going to dinner nice, knowing I'll get to have a little chat with her.

In the evenings there is an aboriginal cultural program. I got a bit confused the first night because it was meant to be outside, but had been moved inside due to rain (it wasn't raining). I had brought my camera but didn't end up taking any pictures because I wasn't in a position to get a good spot and just wanted to rest as my hip was quite sore. Thinking it was the same performance every night, I figured I'd skip last nights and go check out the open air hot springs. Well, those hot springs were closed for some reason, and the performance was outside, and it was different from the previous nights. I stayed and watched it for a little while, but opted to go back to my room because I was actually finally getting some work down on my article.

My private balcony

I spent pretty much the whole day yesterday in my room, writing. Having this view to look out on while I worked was pretty special and I'm really glad I'd planned to do this! I did venture out in the afternoon, planning to go have a walk in the nearby forest while housekeeping made up my room. Of course, getting to the forest park would involve a rather substantial walk through the mountains, and had I bothered I would have found the park closed because of the damage from the typhoon, so, that was a bust. There is a temple next to the hotel and I wandered over there for a bit. It was so hot outside though that I soon made my way back to the hotel and pottered around until I figured I could go back to my room.

The hotel grounds are quite beautiful and there are lots of activities for people to do, but especially for kids. There's all sorts of climbing gyms and pools and sand pits and putting greens and archery ranges. There's also lots of ponds and some enclosures that I think would normally have more wildlife... At the moment there's 3 geese, a black swan, and a few ducks.

Giant creeps!

One thing that is quite spectacular here is the butterflies. I think they are quite rare, and they are everywhere! And they are HUGE! The ones in the picture are about mid range for the ones I've seen here (turns out butterflies are not easy to photograph - I spent a good chunk of my afternoon yesterday playing "ok, just hold still for a moment, no, don't touch me!") Butterflies, beautiful though they are, creep me out. They're like pretty moths, and moths are pretty much the worst thing ever, so, there was a lot of flinching and jumping in the process of getting these pictures. I was, however, quite relieved to discover that some of the (smaller) butterflies were actually hummingbirds. I feel pretty fortunate to have encountered some of them.

Since I'd missed out on the open air spa last night, I figured I'd get up really early and go to it first thing in the morning, before the heat of the day set in. Unfortunately, it was still shut and wasn't going to be opening. But, the indoor spa facilities were open early and I could go there. For some reason I'd gotten confused and thought that the indoor spa you had to pay extra for. There is a spa you can pay extra for, but, there's also one that is freely available to guests. So I went there, feeling quite silly that I'd not gone the day before as well!

Like the baths in Japan and South Korea, it's a naked bath. There is a men's side and a women's side, and you go in, undress, shower, and enjoy the different types of baths. It was pretty quite at 7am. An older woman was heading in and she explained the shower and baths to me (I've used similar ones before, but years ago now). I started in the 38 degree pool, which was like floating on a cloud. Then I went into the 28 degree jacuzzi which was pleasantly cool. At this stage a younger woman came in and was excited to meet a foreigner so we struck up a conversation and tried out the different baths together. We went back and forth from the 48 degree bath to the 18 degree bath. The cold bath ended up being my favourite. It was quite a shock to get into at first, but then when you adjust to it it's very refreshing! I spent about an hour in the spas, going around to the different baths and chatting with my young new friend.

Beatrix and I

Beatrix told me about how she had just sat her entrance exams for uni and was travelling around Taiwan with her dad as they did every summer, but also visiting different universities. I told her that I teach at a university. She told me about her love of Japanese culture and the Australian Open. We decided to meet up at the restaurant and have breakfast together, which was a really lovely change from eating on my own. I joined her and her dad and they told me stories about how Google Maps had shown them a different part of the country, and talked about the freedom driving around provided (as opposed to taking trains and buses like I am). Her dad was quite funny and I'm really glad I got to join them for breakfast. That's how I know this hotel has the best rice, and also pork buns (which I've also been enjoying), and that the scenery has changed drastically because of the typhoon. It was great to hear their different stories and get advise on things to do and see in Taipei, along with hearing about the places I was missing out on in other parts of Taiwan. Obviously I'll need to come back! I also apparently need to hunt down some sort of pineapple cake dish, which Beatrix has written down in Mandarin for me on a toothpick packet. So there's an adventure waiting for me when I get back to Taipei tonight!

Sadly it's time for me to pack up my room and head out. I've gotten a late checkout, so have another hour in this glorious room. Then I'm catching the hotel shuttle in 2 hours from now. I'll spend an hour lounging around in the lobby reading a book, I suppose. I'm tempted to go back into the spa! This has definitely been a worthwhile treat for myself and I hope it's not the last that I see of the Royal Chihpen Hotel!

Taitung: Day 5

I'm writing this sitting in a bright, cool, rather Western style cafe in Taitung called Dante Coffee Shop. I came here for dinner last night as it was near my hotel and still open at the rather late hour in which I found myself looking for food. The motto on their sign says "Coffee Life Always Bright" and the young staff are very friendly and eager to see if they can get things right in English. It is cute and I love it here and will probably come here for the waffle brunch before I head off tomorrow.

Riding the Hello Kitty train!

I arrived in Taitung yesterday afternoon, on the delightful Hello Kitty train. The train left Taipei at 1pm, and wanting to make damn sure I didn't miss it, I left my hotel at 11am. The train station is only one metro stop from the metro near where I was staying, so my suitcase and I walked to Ximen and figured out where the elevator was (much to my hip's relief) and caught the metro to Taipei Main Station.

When I got up to the entrance to the train station, there were people everywhere! It was hot as sin and there was some kind of Muslim (I'm guessing) cultural or religious celebration going on. I don't know why, exactly, it was happening at the train station, but there were cheerful people picnicking and shopping and dressed in their finest across nearly every inch of the station. Which made wheeling a big suitcase around extra challenging, but I managed not to run over anyone.

Pauline Hanson's worst nightmare?

My first mission was to find the train platform. This proved pretty easy and I had a good chat with the woman inspecting tickets at the platform gate. Since I was ridiculously early, I figured I'd better go get myself some lunch. For whatever reason I decided not to get a luggage locker, so me and my ridiculous suitcase went back up through the crowd in search of a place we could sit down to eat. I ended up at a restaurant on the upper level, where I was overcome with heat exhaustion and ended up ordering a rather expensive meal that I couldn't finish. It wasn't a great start. I don't know why they'd seemingly turned the A/C off when there was so many people in the station?!

After lunch I decided to make my way back to the platform. I was still a good 30 minutes early, but, it was cooler down there and I had a book to keep me entertained. Despite me like quadruple checking that I was in the right place, I got increasingly anxious as 1pm approached. But, sure enough, I was in the right place and at 1pm the Taroko Express, in all it's kawaii glory, pulled up! I got on and found my seat, which, happily, was a window seat. There would have been ample leg room, but, I had to put my suitcase in front of me so I was a bit squished in.

Mountains and coast line

And then we were off! The train itself was decorated with Hello Kitty pictures inside and out. As we pulled out of the station people on the platform were taking pictures and videos. As we crossed the countryside people in the various towns and villages would wave, and pull out their smartphones to document our passage. The trip itself was pretty uneventful. It ended up taking about 4 hours to get to Taitung. I spent that time taking in the spectacular scenery. It wasn't all mountains and coastlines... there were rice paddies and industrial towns too. But it was a great way to get to see more of the country and I'm really glad I did it! I'll be taking the train back on the 14th - a normal train, not the Hello Kitty train. Hopefully it'll be as comfortable to journey! I think I'm on a slower moving train than the one I came here on.

When I got to Taitung I caught a taxi to my hotel. Having the address written in Mandarin on the hotel reservation was handy! There's very little English spoken here and I'm not sure how I would have managed otherwise. The now downgraded super typhoon Nepartak had hit here on Friday and the evidence is all around. Debris from trees and buildings has been neatly piled up along the sides of the roads and is gradually being collected. My hotel is without hot water as the pipe broke (it's ridiculously hot here so the water isn't exactly cold anyways).

Damage from the typhoon

On Sundays there is meant to be a massive, lively street market and I was excited to check it out. After getting settled into my hotel (where I have the same room number as at the previous one...odd) I asked the front desk if the market would still be on. They weren't sure, but gave me directions on how to get there. I set off as the sun sunk, hoping for the best.

Now, the thing is, everyone in Taitung gets around on scooters so there isn't much in the way of infrastructure for pedestrians. This coupled with the piles of debris from the typhoon along the side of the streets makes walking around something of a challenge. Then add in the redirected traffic as construction crews dismantle dangerous hanging metal signs and the general confusion and rubbernecking... I think I got close to the street where the market would be, but I gave up and opted to come back to my hotel instead.

So many options!

This morning, after having a good sleep in, I headed out in search of breakfast. I seem to be staying on the street with all the coffee places, which is great! I went into a small, much less Western cafe and managed to order a breakfast of a ham croissant and coffee. It was completely delicious! I sat at my little table and finished reading an article I'd been working my way through over various cups of coffee. Then, armed with a sense of adventure, I set out to wander around the city.

Taitung is known for its vast array of fruit, and I have partaken in many a fruit drink in the short time I've been here! Lychee, grapefruit, honey peach, pineapple and dragon fruit... Finding new flavours to try out is a real joy. I've also got some sort of apple waiting for me back at my hotel, along with an array of yummy biscuits.

Taitung is a small city, so there's not as much space to get lost in. But, there's a lot less English, and the road signs are not as clear. So I've still managed to get lost. I've mostly found my hotel through being lost, though I do have a vague sense of where it is in relation to the shops I repeatedly walked passed in confusion.

Debris closer to the coast

After my morning stroll, which I forgot to mention also involved me wandering into some sort of cat store where I made cat friends and picked up a little present for my fur babies who are no doubt missing me terribly, I headed back to my hotel for a brief rest and then decided to attempt a stroll through Seaside Park.

It wasn't a long walk to the coastal park, but it was clear this area was hit hardest by the typhoon. Lots of people were out clearing up the debris piled on the roadside. And by lots of people I mean the military along with the locals. People seemed to be in good spirits though. I think the area gets hit with typhoons and tropical storms a few times a year, so this isn't out of the ordinary though the extent of damage is larger than normal. The damage is pretty extensive. I keep noticing more of it whenever I go out.

Watching the waves crash

Seaside Park is meant to have like a 20km cycle path and aboriginal sculptors and woodcarvings, so I was hoping to get in a good walk along the coastline. The path wasn't completely inaccessible, but, navigating around the debris would have been quite difficult to do on bike or scooter, let alone foot. I walked along the bit that I could and enjoyed the cool sea breeze and crashing of the waves. This is definitely not a swimming beach; the waves were quite big and the coastline much rockier than this picture shows. Looking at the beach and the sea I felt like deciding not to attempt a trip out to Green Island for some snorkeling was the right choice. Perhaps another time.

After my wander I realised I was quite hungry. Like, in that "OMG I'm not going to make it" kind of way. This was also probably because by this stage it was incredibly hot and my sun safety skills are incredibly lacking. I didn't realise how sun burnt I got today until tonight, but, my arms are very red and I'm regretting not packing anything for the burn! It took me awhile to find a place to eat too. I ended up wandering all over the city again, getting quite lost and feeling progressively sicker. I kept thinking I'd found a food place only to find that it was actually a juice/tea place (or, let's be honest, was too Western, or too Chinese for me to manage).

The most amazing tofu

Upon reaching the point of desperation I stumbled down a street and into a little restaurant that had quite a few people around it. I'd wandered in trying to get away from a horrible smell on the street, only to realise I'd found the source of the smell. But, from my guidebook I also knew that I'd accidentally stumbled into one of their recommended eateries: Lin Chou Doufu. This place is known for its stinky tofu. I'm so glad I found it!

The staff were very friendly and welcoming. They had some English signs but nobody seemed to speak English. It didn't really matter though because they only serve the one dish anyways. I sat down, got myself a drink, and was brought out a plate of delicious tofu. I was so hungry I ate it quickly and asked for another plate, which pleased the owner greatly. I felt much better after having my fill and getting out of the sun for a bit. I thanked the staff and said goodbye and headed back out into the sweltering heat of the afternoon to go back to my hotel.

Tomorrow I head off to the hot springs, which I'm pretty excited about! My plan is to take a bus from here to there. The bus station is meant to be about a block from my hotel so this should be easy. I'll have to get an earlier start tomorrow as check out here is at 11am and I want to sort out my bus tickets before hand so I'm not dragging my suitcase around unnecessarily. I also want to load up on snack foods as things will be more expensive at the hot springs (though breakfast and dinner should be included with my hotel). Maybe when I get back into town before I catch the train I'll have a chance to get some more of that tofu!

Taipei: Day 3

Last night I did end up venturing out again. My plan was to just get a bite to eat and come back, but, the weather was nice, people were out on the streets, and I decided to go see what all the excitement was about. The empty market I had been wandering around in the morning was in full swing, so I decided to spend a bit of time exploring and finding something to eat. There are so many street food stalls around, but, I'm not exactly an adventurous eater and the crowds and language barrier meant I usually kept walking, though I did kind of try to order something at one stall before giving up!

Relevant street art

More wandering through laneways led me to this excellent bit of street art, along with many tattoo parlours that had me thinking for a minute (but no, I don't think ink is in the budget right now). Speaking of tattoos, the young people of Taipei are well and truly inked! I'm not exactly a novelty here, having green hair and visible tattoos. (And if you've ever found yourself saying "You don't see Chinese people walking around with English words tattooed on them!" you are wrong.)

I treated myself to a taro milk iced drink while I continued to wander in search of food. I eventually decided that venture was in the too hard basket and went to the bakery near my hotel to get a couple savoury pastries, then called it a night.

This morning I went to the canteen for breakfast, where the ladies pretty much insisted on me having a tuna sandwich. Why not? My plan was to do some work this morning, but I figured a stop off at the nearby temple I've been walking passed every day would be an even better way to start the day. And it was! The Tien-Ho Temple is beautiful and made for an excellent subject to play around with on my new camera (pics will be uploaded after my trip). People were stopping in to say their prayers before heading off on their day, the sun was shining through the humid haze, and the smell of incense was in the air. I spent some time giggling at the koi as they gulped at me, and tried not to get in anyone's way. One of the women gave me a pamphlet on the temple and told me I was most welcome to wander around and take pictures. It was really lovely and serene and I left a small donation before heading off.

Strange but delicious bed fellows

I don't exactly know what happened to my plan to do some work, but I soon found myself wandering through laneways again. This time I stopped at a little convenience store and bought myself a roasted sweet potato. It was amazing! Wandering back to my hotel, I decided to stop in at the coffee place I'd wanted to go to yesterday and get something to take away. They sell these croissants with a fish on them, how could I say no? I ended up ordering a rose iced latte and a peanut butter and mashed potato croissant to take back to my hotel. They were both delicious! 

The coffee left me a bit too wired to really settle into reading and focusing on stuff (or so I tell myself), but I somehow managed to do my taxes (!!!) so at least got some adulting out of the way. Then I decided to head off to another nearby temple and have a wander around the old herb market and historical streets in that part of Wanhua District. I got on the metro and took it one stop to the LungShan Temple. This is a much bigger, more tourist oriented temple. Everyone was taking selfies, and I ended up posing in some stranger's pictures because I thought she was asking me to take a picture of her and her partner, but nope, she wanted a pic with me (I can't blame her, really). The highlight of this temple for me was the cats! First I saw a black cat scurry passed. I tried to befriend him but he was too busy catting to pay me any mind. Then I saw another cat sneaking around on the temple roof. Tifa and the kittens would love to explore that roof!

Herb Alley

The temple was quite busy, with tour groups going through it along with people coming to pray. I didn't stick around very long, instead opting to wander around the area and check out the small laneway known as Herb Alley. It smelled divine! I suspect the market was much bigger than the bit that I saw, but there was a small tour group at one end of it and I didn't feel like trying to push passed them. Instead I opted for a walk around the block. The surrounding area is much less touristy and made for a pleasant stroll, getting a sense of life in Taipei for an older population than the one around where I'm staying. There were quite a few karaoke bars with women working as entertainers, and men belting out the tunes. It was an interesting part of the city to see that just got interestinger!

There's a brothel behind me

I eventually made it back around to the herb market and decided to get myself an iced tea. OMG it was so good! A bit minty, very refreshing on a hot day. My tea and I then set off to find Bopilao Old Street, getting pleasantly lost in the process. I decided to have a wander down a quiet picturesque laneway, take some selfies, see where I ended up. There were lots of scooters parked on the street, and a couple women milling about out the front of a house. I continued wandering down the laneway as men on scooters kept zipping passed. And then I realised: I'd stumbled into a red light district. I wasn't entirely sure, but, my sexual subculture senses were tingling, and had been for awhile. Then I saw a woman leading a man into a building and I knew. I would have loved to have talked to the women but going up to someone and being like "hey, are you a sex worker?" isn't exactly an acceptable thing to do.

Grumpus cat

Instead, we bonded over me trying to pat a very grumpy cat. I went up making cooing noises while it was bathing and it glared at me and then took a few swipes at me before storming off. The women and I had a good laugh over it. I then noticed some kittens further down, who were also not interested in me. So, after my cat spotting I bid farewell to the sex workers and made my way over to Bopilao Old Street.

As the name implies, Bopilao Old Street is an old street, kind of. It's actually a very new revival of an alley from the Qing dynasty. So new that, despite the architecture clearly being quite old, it felt very modern. Apparently the city hasn't quite worked out what to do with the street yet, as there are lots of empty buildings waiting to be turned into things. Empty buildings aside from the air conditioning, which by this stage in the day was much appreciated! So after having a little look around I walked back to my hotel to have a bit of a rest before heading out to some more markets.

The Red House is an artist market/hub for fashionistas/central beacon for the whitewashing of Taipei's queer scene. (I shit you not, there was a white person selling t-shirts with popular fictional characters reimagined as bananas.) It didn't quite live up to my expectations as per the guide book (though, really, that's not a surprise). That being said, the market inside the Red House was really lovely/exactly like being in an upscale artist market in Melbourne. I may have bought a few things.

Put off by the touristy vibe/actual tourists at the cafes surrounding the Red House, I again set off on a wander, this time determined to have a proper sit down meal instead of getting a snack thing from a stall to eat back at my hotel. Turns out there's about a billion restaurants in the opposite direction from the one I usually wander in, so, that's good to know on my last night at this hotel.

Eventually I found a place where I could sit down, relax, and get some sort of Asian food. Or so I thought. I am not entirely sure how to classify the dish I was served, aside from as yummy and nourishing. My meal came with a small glass of the most amazing fruit juice as well. I'm not entirely sure what kind of fruit juice, but possibly pear. Ok, ok, I may have chosen this place because they had a cat sign. They had a donation box for I'm going to assume animal rescue, which I emptied my coins into.

Somebody's dinner, but not mine

After dinner my plan was to wander around some more and enjoy observing the night life. It had started to rain, but I had my umbrella and was not going to be put off by a bit of spitting. But then the spitting turned into pouring, which then turned into a thunderstorm and I learned my lesson about wandering around in the rain yesterday! 

On my way back to the hotel I passed by this street food stall, which caught my eye. I hadn't seen any with so many fish before, and I certainly hadn't seen any with frogs!! I've also never seen frogs the size of these and am now left wondering whereabouts in Taiwan I need to go to see some giant ass frogs!

Tonight is my last night in Wanhua/Ximending. I feel like there's lots more to do and see in this part of the city, but, other adventures await. Tomorrow I embark on my Hello Kitty train adventure to Taitung, where I'll spend a couple days before heading into the mountains for a couple of days at the Zhiben Hot Springs (where I splurged and booked myself a room in one of the fancier resorts). After that, it's back to Taipei for 3 days, and then back to Melbourne (just in time to miss my first class of the semester, oops!)

Taipei: Day 2

When the weather forecast calls for a super typhoon...

My plans for today were to have breakfast, then go to a nearby cafe for a coffee and to do some reading, then to head into the centre of Taipei to have lunch at a cat cafe, and then wander over to the Taipei Discovery Centre, and maybe Taipei 101. Things didn't quite go to plan!

Breakfast is served

As I was saying yesterday, my daily breakfast included in my hotel booking is served at a cafe down the street called Taipei Milk King. My voucher gets me a pre-made sandwich and a coffee or a tea. It's a bit strange, but, let me tell you that free sandwich makes a great start to the day!

After breakfast I didn't feel the immediate need for a second coffee, so I decided to go have another wander, this time choosing to explore a little laneway with a decorative sign proclaiming it to be Hong Kong Street. The laneway led me to a massive street market filled with shops selling touristy souvenirs. Shops don't really seem to be open in the mornings here, so most places were closed. But I did come across a cute little shop with various stickers, signs, and key chains proclaiming love for all sorts of fur babies. Yes, Taiwan is getting all my cat tourist dollars.

A graffiti filled laneway

I like wandering around my district in the mornings, when there aren't many people about and shops are shut or just opening. I find busy, noisy markets overwhelming and generally try to get out as fast as I can, so getting to linger and take things in slowly is quite nice (and possibly easier on my wallet).

My wandering took me down another quiet little laneway, this one filled with interesting graffiti. It was at this stage lightly raining and I was enjoying strolling around and taking in the sights, so I wasn't too bothered when I realised I was lost again. I had found one of the main streets, which connects up with the street my hotel is just off of so I knew I just needed to figure out which direction to walk in. Having yesterday trusted my instincts and gone the wrong way, I decided today to go against my instincts...and go the wrong way.

Laneway apartments and shops

When I realised I was heading in the wrong direction, I turned around and was stopped by a man who had seen me walk past a moment before. Turns out he had been sitting behind me on our flight yesterday! We had a friendly chat and he got directions for me from a shop lady and sent me on my way. It left me feeling good about the world and I headed back with a smile.

The area that I'm staying in is a tourist area (it's also the LGBT part of town though I've yet to really venture into the scene). There are quite a few coffee places on the main street and I decided to check one of them out. The one I wanted to go to only had high stools for seating, and I can't sit on those types of chairs because of my hip. So I went to another place across the street called Fong Da Coffee. Turns out this place is quite well known! It was busy, but I was able to share a table out the back, where I sat down with an iced latte and a journal article and enjoyed the ambiance of working in a busy cafe.

Getting thoroughly soaked in Da'an

Then it was back to the hotel to get myself organised for what I intended to be a big day of sight seeing. I packed up my camera and guidebook and water bottle into my backpack and headed off on the metro into the city centre. By this stage it was raining significantly harder than before and I was starting to think not having an umbrella was a mistake. But, it was still warm and I don't mind getting a bit wet so off I went in search of one of Taipei's many cat cafes!

I'd looked up the address online before heading off and was so proud of myself for negotiating my way from the train station to the right street, then going the right way and finding the right laneway! Of course, when I couldn't see the cafe I walked down about 5 laneways and back, while the rain got heavier and heavier, and I got hungrier and hungrier. Honestly, I felt like I was going to cry. Very little was open, nobody was around, I didn't know why I couldn't find the cafe, and I just wanted to sit down and get something to eat. Feeling quite defeated, I sought sustenance and shelter from the rain, and ended up at a Burger King. I felt like an ass going into a Western fast food chain, but, the situation definitely called for it! Plus, there was free wifi so I could look up the cat cafe's information again and figure out what went wrong. After having some chicken nuggets and finding out I'd walked right past the cafe twice, I felt fortified to go try again. The rain showed no sign of letting up, so I headed into a nearby 7-Eleven (there's one almost every 100 metres here) and bought an umbrella. Then, back to the cafe!

A very closed cat cafe 

'Torrential' would not be an overstatement to describe the rain when I arrived at Toast Chat, which was right where Google said it would be, but significantly more closed than Google said it would be. Apparently sensible people stay in when there's a typhoon!

Determined to make the best of a bad situation, I decided to wander over to the nearby Taipei Discovery Centre where surely I could get out of the rain and spend an enjoyable afternoon learning about Taipei. Of course, I had only a vague idea about how to get there and that thing about the torrential rain.

I basically wandered my way over to a main road, which I was able to identify on my guidebook map. I wasn't sure where on that road I was though, or which direction to walk in, and I wasn't quite so willing to just wing it. I tried asking some girls but they didn't know what I was on about (fair enough), and while I was trying to figure out what to do a man came out of a restaurant and asked me if I needed help. Bless! He'd just come back from Europe and could spot a tourist in need and spoke English and had Google on his phone and he quickly got me sorted out. He informed me that there was a good chance the Discovery Centre would be closed because of the rain, but I wasn't giving up yet! (Spoiler, I should have given up.)

Off I went, while the rain increased to whatever comes next after torrential. Now, for the most part walking around in Taipei I've been under building awnings so the rain isn't a big deal. But for this walk, I was going passed the Sun Yat-sen Memorial Hall, situated inside a luscious park. Just right out in the open. It wasn't a long walk, but, it wasn't a short one either given the rain! By the time I got to City Hall (where the Discovery Centre is located) I was soaked through and through. Still not giving up, I went up to the big City Hall building...which was closed. I sat under it's awning for awhile watching the downpour and contemplating what to do. The rain wasn't going to be letting up any time soon, I was drenched, it was time to go back to my hotel.

Fortunately, I wasn't too far from a metro station. I found a somewhat mysterious escalator going down and decided I'd rather be lost out of the rain than in it, so headed down. It took me into another underground shopping area and then to the metro station. I treated myself to a couple donuts from Mr Donut (one red bean, one lemon), got on the train, and headed home.

Now it looks like the rain has stopped, there's lots of people out on the street, and I've had some time to dry off and warm up. I ended up being too tired last night to go out again, but I'm feeling rested now so will likely venture out for some dinner and then call it a night. Tomorrow I plan to stay in and do some work in the morning, then head out later in the day to check out Ximending's apparently noteworthy weekend fashion scene (flamingo leggings are at the ready!)

Taipei: Day 1

Alright, I don't know that I'll do daily blogs about my trip, but since I'm chilling out in my hotel room resting my hip I figured I might as well tell you about my adventures thus far!

So back in March or April I decided to go on vacation to Taiwan. Why? The Hello Kitty train of course! Well, that was what put Taiwan as a destination into my mind. Then I started researching it and it was an affordable option that would allow me to feel comfortable travelling on my own, not involve beaches and hammocks and shit, but would involve exploring a city and going to the mountains (and just a little beach)!

And here I am!

Yesterday I flew Melbourne to KL to Taipei, a journey that involved about 16 hours being on a plane with no in flight entertainment because my Kindle battery died as soon as we took off and my laptop is a mess and I didn't have any backup plans. I ended up reading pretty much the entire flight magazine. Let me tell you something: airline magazine journalists are...not great. I also read an academic article and got some insight into how academics actually manage to get shit done on planes.

My layover in KL lasted about 15 minutes. I actually had more time than I thought I did, but, having a history of missing flights I wasn't taking any chances. The second flight was shorter and warmer and the people on the plane in better moods (probably because, like me, they were headed for a vacation). I was befriended by the young woman sitting next to me, who shared snacks and smiles.

We didn't get in to Taipei until 10:30pm, which is 12:30am Melbourne time. I'd been up since about 5am and hadn't really slept on the flight so was pretty well delirious by the time I got to the baggage carousel. I watched all the bags go around and around, as the people from my flight collected them and headed on their way. I started to think "I'm so tired I don't even care about this suitcase I just want to go to the hotel and deal with it later!" Be careful what you wish for, that almost came true! My bag hadn't come off the plane, almost everyone from my flight was gone, and there was no indication of any more baggage to come. I eventually found the airline services people I needed to talk to, just in time for a young couple from my flight to inform me there had been a delay in offloading and there was more baggage coming. Sure enough, when we got back to the carousel our bags were all there. Happy ending!

I'd been debating if I should book a pick up from my hotel (it wasn't cheap) or take public transport, and let me tell you, that airport pick up was worth every penny! We didn't get back to the hotel until about 12:30am and I didn't have to do anything (my poor driver would have been waiting about an hour and he didn't speak enough English for me to explain why).

A sight for sore eyes

I was pretty happy to get into my room and see this glorious bed waiting for me! I'd made the decision to stay in mid-range hotels for my whole trip because although it stretches my budget, it gives me peace of mind. I have my own room that is nice and air conditioned and I can be here whenever I want. Given my hip problem, having a nice space to relax in and rest is well worth it. Plus I do plan on finishing something I've been working on for a million years, so, having a nice office space is an added bonus.

I'm staying in Taipei until the 10th, when I head out to Taitung, then coming back to Taipei for a few days (but staying at a hotel in a different part of the city). My booking here comes with breakfast, served in a little cafe down the street. I'll have to write about the breakfast situation another day, because when I went down this morning I didn't know what I was walking into and hadn't brought my camera.

After breakfast I came back up to my room and got my stuff together. I have a power adapter, but the wall plugs here are 2 prong and my adapter is 3 pronged. So I set off to get some cash and find something to deal with that situation. The cash was easy, but finding a place that sold what I needed took a bit of time. I used that time to get oriented (*lost) in the area I'm staying (Wanhua/Ximending). There are lots of little laneways around here, filled with all sorts of things. Some are markets, some have cafes and street food stalls, some just provide a reprieve from the traffic of the main streets. I found a street filled with shops that make trophies and plaques. I also found all sorts of mechanical and technical repair type shops. Eventually I wandered into a little dollar store type grocer and found something I could use to fix my adapter problem. Now to just find my way back to the hotel!!

The entrance to my hotel is in a cute little laneway

I've been really impressed with the amount of English in Taipei. Like, I knew it wasn't going to be a particularly challenging city to work out, but, I swear every sign is in Mandarin and English. Not only that, but any time an announcement is made it's made in both languages. And even the people I've encountered who don't speak English speak more English than I do Mandarin. I mean, compared to when I was in Buenos Aires where it was very rare to encounter any English at all, I feel spoiled. Like almost to the point where I feel like there's no language barrier. As I said, I wasn't expecting it to be hard, but I wasn't expecting it to be this easy!

So when I'd had enough of being lost I got my guide book out and easily figured out where I was on the map and where I needed to be and how to get there. I mean, I took a wrong turn at pretty much every opportunity, but, it didn't take me too long to figure out my mistake.

After having a little rest and a recharge of my phone battery, I headed back out for my big important task of the day: booking my ticket on the Hello Kitty train. Now, this is peak tourist season, the train only runs on weekends, and I rather stupidly forgot about how I'd need to book this well in advance. So in the days before I left when I tried to book a ticket online the website told me it was sold out. I decided not to freak out and just see what I could do about it when I got here. Surely there would be cancellations or scalpers or something!

Choo choo imma be on you!

The first step was to go to the metro station near where I'm staying. I wasn't sure where I needed to go to buy the actual train ticket, so I asked at the information desk and eventually we worked out I had to go to Taipei Main Station, which was only one stop away. I got on the metro (which, again, ridiculously easy to navigate) and headed for the train station proper. Then to another information booth to ask where the train tickets were sold. Then I stood in a rather long queue for the wrong trains. Then I finally found the right ticket counter and showed the lady my little post-it note with the train details on it (understanding writing can be easier than understanding accents, this was a very handy little piece of paper to show all the wrong people I talked to). She looked up the train and informed me it was sold out. I knew this was a likely possibility so I didn't get upset and instead just asked to book a ticket to Taitung for the same day. Miraculously, as she was looking up alternate trains, a seat opened up on the Hello Kitty train!!! So Sunday I am booked in for an absolute overload of cuteness. I'm so happy that worked out! I also booked my return ticket, so now all my logistics are pretty much sorted!

Black sesame ice cream

By this stage, having only eaten breakfast, I was starving. There was a food court at the station, so I figured I'd grab something there. This is, of course, when everything stopped being in English and I got a bit overwhelmed (mostly because it was like 4pm and I'd had breakfast at 9am). There was a Thai restaurant that was insulated from the noise of the food court, so I went with the easy option. The staff at this place were amazing! I was bored and excited and wanted to go online but the wifi required a password. Nobody knew what it was, so the manager set up a hotspot from his phone for me. It was entirely unnecessary and completely lovely. The food was delicious, and one of the waiters eagerly offered me a coupon for a free ice cream with my meal (which obvs I accepted, black sesame is one of my favourites).

After eating I figured I'd see what the main station part of the city had to offer, but, going outside it seemed like mostly busy roads and office buildings, and seeing as it was very hot and humid I figured I'd wander around in the air conditioned station. Turns out there's a giant mall under the station! So I wandered around there for awhile and nearly got pressured into buying a rather expensive sun hat. The mall seemed to span the length of the city, seriously, it was huge! At no point did I find it's outer boundary. My hip was starting to get sore though, so I figured I'd better head back to the hotel. This again involved a bit of getting turned around, but I feel like I'm well oriented to the area now!

It's been a good first day. My feet are pleasantly sore, my hip is less pleasantly sore but not in that bad painful way I got from marking essays for 9 hours a day. I'm thinking of wandering out to get a bite to eat from one of the nearby street vendors and then calling it a night. Tomorrow I'm going to check out a cat cafe, and now that I know how easy the metro is to use, I'll probably do some more sight seeing as well.

Swiping Against Humanity

Recently I decided to give Tinder another chance. As some of you know, I've been resistant about using Tinder, though not out of any reluctance about 'online' dating. I've used all sorts of other dating sites and apps and have met many, many people from them. Hell, I recently even came across an essay someone wrote about the possibility of finding love on Tinder in which they cited an article I wrote to make the case that it is possible to find love on Tinder (of course it is!)

My reluctance to use Tinder was largely about it being linked to Facebook. I don't like that it shows my real name as I'd rather choose if that's something I'd like to disclose to someone or not. Yes, I know it's just my first name, but how many Joni's do you know? I've come to realise that other people aren't necessarily as good at finding people online as I am, but that also means I know exactly how easy I am to find.

But I've moved past that and have come to appreciate the way potential matches show up with their links (or lack of links) to my social network. It's fun to see the different configuration of friends that pop up and get a bit of insight into the kinds of people they might be friends with (though obviously Facebook friendships signal a very wide variety of relationship types).

I rejoined Tinder after a very busy week. I had a short turn around time to mark a bunch of student assignments, plus a surprise job interview that included doing a short presentation on my research. By the time I'd gotten through all of that, I just wanted to lie in bed and do nothing for a bit. So, feeling disheartened by the options available on OKC, and being between jobs and low on cash, I decided to give Tinder another go.

At first it was fun, getting to snoop into this little window of people's lives, looking for common connections, sharing and comparing the profiles I'd come across with friends for a laugh, coming across people I actually know, and fervently swiping through people I didn't to try and get to the profiles of those I did. Swiping became a way to occupy my time, a cheap source of entertainment that occasionally resulted in a conversation with a stranger that I actually wanted to engage in. And after finding out I didn't get the job, swiping became a reprieve from dealing with the realities of my life (which are improving, but, the semester break has been tough!)

Which is how I ended up spending about 24 hours swiping left.

This was not a great experience. In fact, it left me feeling quite gross and I've avoided going onto Tinder pretty much since then (though I will go back to it eventually).

I found myself swiping left for the usual reasons like no profile text, profile text consists of telling women how they should be, only body shots, hanging out with sedated tigers (although this seems to have been largely replaced with meditating under a waterfall), being 'down to earth' or 'easy going' or 'normal', only having pictures with groups of people, being at the Melbourne Cup, drinking in all the pictures, being a backpacker (though certainly I've used dating apps while traveling to hook up with the locals), working in finance, being really into motorcycles or race cars, or identifying as a sapiosexual. And I discovered a few new reasons to swipe left: being a 'lifestyle' coach, "never judge a book by its cover" profiles, playing hide and seek in a Holocaust memorial, carrying around the recently severed head of a large animal, and giving oneself hero status for stopping a 'junkie' from stealing meat.

I know that this is a matter of judgement, and these are things I find unappealing that other people may think are perfectly reasonable. What made me feel gross was that I had to actively pass this judgement on all these people. The thing is, Tinder shows you people you would quite possibly otherwise never come into any real sort of contact with. And this is good and bad because while it shows you people who are interesting, to get to them you've got to go through all the people you'd never, ever want to meet. And it's not like these people aren't on other dating sites too, but with OKC for instance it shows you what your match percentage is with another person and has ways of filtering out those you're unlikely to be compatible with.

To it's benefit though, people can't contact you unless you match with them. And after getting streams of messages on OKC from guys who seem to think their showing an interest in you is some sort of favour for which you now owe them, this is a very nice feature! Unfortunately, matching with someone is no guarantee that they will behave any differently once they have the opportunity to message you. As I found out from the guy who ignored my ambivalence about the conversation taking a turn for the sexual, and then demanded I send him wank bank material.

I've yet to actually meet anyone off of Tinder, which is surprising to me because I have been meeting people 'from the internet' (which, seriously, it's 2016, we're all people from the internet now) for over a decade. I think this has to do with, well, my tendency to use it for a few days and then disappear, but also with the affordances of the app. It lends itself well to casual conversations, and I honestly have enjoyed having the odd chat to a stranger who I probably wouldn't otherwise interact with. But the profile section doesn't include any sort of prompts and the culture of the app is not to write a long description about yourself and what you're interested in finding (though some people do).

Connections are meant to develop over a few pictures and a few words. Which obviously works well enough for people as Tinder has completely changed the face of 'online' dating (for heterosexuals anyways, and like pretty much everything else that change is owed to the gay community for developing Grindr). But for me, and at least for some of the people I've matched with, it means putting in a lot of work to get a sense of if there's any sort of connection there. Whereas with OKC because of the structured profiles and the huge array of personality questions, there's more to go off of when you contact someone. I can tell pretty quickly if I'm interested in meeting up with someone from OKC or not.

Obviously it all depends on what you're looking for and how you like to engage with people. Right now I'm open to the possibility of meeting people, but not really actively looking to do so. So maybe some of those casual conversations that have started will gradually build up enough for me to determine if I'd like to actually meet the person, and maybe they won't. And maybe there is a Tinder love story to be had, but I don't think fervently swiping through profiles to find it is worth the hassle.


A Special Bonus Feature For You, Dear Reader...

As you know, I believe in supporting and cultivating the feline arts. Aspiring blogger Tilly has written some of her thoughts, which I have included for you below. I'm sure you will agree that this young talent has a promising career ahead of her!

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I'm not going to make you feel better about my mental health

I'm going to talk candidly about what it's like to live with mental illness, so, trigger warnings ahoy!

This week is Mental Health Awareness Week, apparently. I wasn't particularly aware that this was a thing until Sunday, when my tram drove past a Beyond Blue booth at Fed Square. They had a sign that had a few buzz words on it, and one of those words was 'recovery'. This did not sit well with me.

For those of you not aware, I have chronic depression. It is not severe; I have never needed to manage it with medication (*cough* *cough* not including self-medication *cough*), I can get by without regular access to mental health services. I am able to manage it quite well through self-analysis, because I have developed the skills to do so. I have a pretty good sense of how I'm going mental health wise, and what I need to do to turn things around when I feel a depressive episode coming on. I also have an incredible support network of friends who I can turn to, and, when I need to, I usually can access some sort of mental health service fairly easily. All in all, I have a lot of privilege when it comes to managing my illness.

But I have also learned how to function in a closet, of sorts. I am very good at hiding my illness. It's a survival strategy I picked up, because, the world is a pretty shitty place to live in when you've got mental illness. For the most part, I can pass as a mentally healthy (ish) person.

This sign on the Beyond Blue booth suggesting mental illness is something to be recovered from troubled me. From my own experience, depression ebbs and flows. It never goes away. It is managed. Constantly. That is not recovery; it's remission.

Apparently the idea of promoting 'recovery' is to give people hope. But which people? Cuz those of us living with the daily struggle of mental illness are well aware we're not going to magically one day get better forever. Promoting hope of recovery amongst us is a false hope that reeks of saviour complex. And to borrow from the sex worker rights movement, save me from my saviours!

'Recovery' here is being used as a feel-good awareness raising tool; to engage people who are not affected by mental illness by giving them hope that one day we will get better. If we just keep on believing in ourselves and trying our darnedest. As Helen Razor (amongst others) has pointed out, how inspirational our sad, awful lives must be. Fuck. Off.

The problem with using hope of recovery as an awareness raising strategy is, it puts the blame back onto us when we don't get better. Which we won't. Because we can't. Not forever anyways. With remission comes the constant threat, and occasional (or frequent) reality, of relapse.

I had my first major depressive episode when I was 8. I used to think this was when I developed depression, but that doesn't really make sense. If it was something I developed because of an event that would be trauma. No, the depression was already there, waiting to be activated. It just so happened that my parents divorce pulled the trigger. But if it hadn't been that, it would have been something else. Because that depression was always there, lurking in the back corners of my brain.

It's hard to describe what it was like, this first episode. Not because it's emotionally painful, but because my brain has actually erased most of that period of my life. I have very little memory of what it was like when my parents got divorced. There are things that I know happened, like moving house. I have no idea what it was like to pack up my stuff and move into an apartment. I don't even know if I was involved in that process. There are other things that are more fuzzy. Like, one day my Mom mentioned about how after the divorce she had to set up special permission with the school for me to be late, because I was unable to get to school on time. The deal was that I'd just pop into the front office and let them know when I'd arrived. Which explains why I have so many memories of stopping into the front office. I don't remember anything else, really.

My depression went undiagnosed into my 20s. I don't know when, exactly, that first major depressive episode came to an end, or how. I know that I grew up thinking it was normal to feel sad and kinda bleak about life. I didn't believe people who claimed to not have an underlying sadness to their expressed happiness. To be honest, I'm still suspicious of those types of people and prefer not to socialise with them. To paraphrase from a Nicki Minaj song, I don't mess with them...regulars.

Over the years the depths of my depression changed, but never really went away. I know I had another major depressive episode when I was about 19, but I don't know what brought it on. (Well, that's kind of a lie, but it's also my business and I'm not making it yours.) I'm not sure if it was my second, or just the second one that I remember.

I didn't have a name for what I was going through until I was about 23. I knew depression was a thing, but I didn't know what it was. Again, being sad felt so normal for me and I hadn't really had any convincing evidence that I was the abnormal one. That ability to believe that I was not substantially different from anyone else, that was a blessing. I don't know if I would have coped at that young age, knowing how wrong I was.

What changed for me when I was 23 was that I started to have suicidal ideations. This is different from being suicidal; I had no active desire to kill myself, no plan, nor the means to execute one. It was just a sense that I'd be better off dead. Apparently I'm also quite the optimist, because at 23 that struck me as really ridiculous and helped to snap me out of what were becoming increasingly intense depressive episodes.

From that point on, I started learning about depression. Teaching myself, getting involved. I volunteered on a crisis line, which was a transformative experience. It taught me about empathy and listening and not to try to solve other people's problems. It taught me that life is incredibly complex, that people are ridiculously resilient, and that although my depression was pretty small potatoes to what other people go through, that does not in any way, shape, or form make my experiences lesser than anyone else's. Mental illness isn't a competition; but it should be a comradery.

When I am in a depressive episode, really basic things become overwhelmingly difficult. Like getting out of bed, or getting dressed. Leaving the house can feel like being sent into war. One of the things I find hardest when I'm depressed is eating. I have to decide what to eat while having no discernible appetite, then either buy it or buy the ingredients to make it. In which case I then have to do all that work of making it. So eating healthy and physically nourishing myself, that's not happening!

The other thing that I find almost impossible to do when I'm depressed is talk about being depressed. Admitting to what I am going through feels like the scariest thing in the world. Death would be much easier. But talking about it, admitting that it is happening, is a really key part of my recovery. That is the other reason my illness lives in a closet. Even now, when I'm in a pretty good place with my mental health, admitting to this inability to speak is frightening. Because that depression is still whispering to me from the back corners of my brain "What if somebody reads this and holds you accountable? What if they make you name me?"

There is something... almost comforting about having depression. It's like a companion for life that I know will never leave me. I can always count on it to be around; can't count on much else! Maybe you've heard of depression described as a little black dog. It's an apt analogy for that sense of companionship - for better or worse - that comes with living with mental illness. I mean, it's quite an active thing to manage. Even when my mental health is in good shape, I've got to be constantly aware of how I'm caring for myself, how I'm feeling, looking for warning signs that a depressive episode is coming on, thinking about what I need to do to maintain my mental health.

It's a job, for which my labour is both unpaid and unrecognised, but constantly expected. It is a job that if I don't do I will be punished for. Though I won't be rewarded for the work when I do it, because apparently living without the black plague of depression immediately hanging over me is reward enough. It's really not.

This is the problem with these mental health awareness campaigns. They offer nothing of substance to those of us going through the daily slog of existing with mental illness. They don't offer up any sort of structural change for how the world works, how it is organised in ways that actively penalise those who, for a myriad of reasons, are disadvantaged (as in, those who are not able bodied neurotypical cisgendered heterosexual middle class white men). Side bar: it needs to be stated here that those who are disadvantaged are not equally disadvantaged. The disadvantage some people experience is so minor that, really, they should probably just take a seat (white feminism, I'm looking at you). For others, the disadvantage they face is so extreme that they deserve a fucking medal for getting out of bed and facing the world.

I am going to discuss some of the ways in which I have been, and continue to be, penalised by society for having a mental illness. Now again, I need to state that my experience of mental illness comes with a lot of privilege. Like, as bad as shit sometimes gets, I'm pretty sure I'm going to be fine. That is a luxury and I am aware of it.

It took me about 7 years to finish my PhD because I couldn't manage working on it full time. My self-care necessitated that I slow down, but I didn't exactly have the space to do that. Partly because of my intense unwillingness to discuss being unwell when I'm unwell, but also because of practical restrictions relating to my visa. It's almost impossible to be granted a student visa in Australia when you're enrolled part-time. I think it is technically possible if you have health conditions and letters from doctors, but, having the kind of health condition that makes you unable to study full time is not going to be looked upon favourably if you are planning on later immigrating. On top of that, I often couldn't suspend my candidature when I had a major depressive episode (and I had many during my PhD) because then I wouldn't receive my scholarship money, and then I wouldn't be able to pay my rent. Which, it should go without saying, would make my mental health issues drastically worse.

Of course, PhD scholarships don't last for 7 years, so this meant I had to take out loans. A lot of loans. And now I am straddled with a crippling amount of debt. As many, many people have pointed out to me, this is not a unique phenomenon for people in my age range. Arguably though, my debt load is tad higher than my Australian cohorts. And now that I have entered the mandatory repayment period, managing my mental health isn't optional. If I don't keep my shit together, if I can't get out of bed and go to work, I won't be able to afford to live.

Going into academia adds extra challenges onto this. At the moment I am jumping from casual job to casual job, with my workload literally changing from week to week. There is no stability in my current situation, so I have to make sure I do a damn good job whenever work comes my way so that I can build good networks and keep the work coming in. But on top of that, in order to advance into a more stable job, I need to publish. On my own, unpaid time. On top of working as many paid hours as I can possibly manage. And then once I get into that position, the expectations placed on my workload will increase exponentially. I have no idea how that will work seeing as this doesn't come with some sort of magical ability to traverse time.

I am not asking for or interested in your pity. I am making choices about how I want to live my life and I am aware of the challenges those choices contain. (There are also some clear benefits to working in academia, like the ability to work from home, in my pyjamas, at whatever hour suits me. The pay is pretty decent, really. And I get to do what I love, mostly.) I don't exactly know how I'll deal with those challenges, but, I'm leaving that in future Joni's capable hands. The point of telling you all that is to highlight how fucked up managing life with even mild depression and a whole lot of social privilege is.

There are different takes on mental illness and agency. Some people say their mental illness makes them unable to make rational choices, other people say they are not their illness and are responsible for the decisions they make. I think the reality for most of us is that the interplay between controlling and being controlled by our illness is more complex.

Last year I wrote about the culmination of events in my life that had occurred over the preceding 2 or 3 years that left my mental health and general well being reeling. When I wrote that, I felt like things were finally turning around, like I was turning over a new leaf and on my way to a better life. Instead, things got worse. Or, bad in a different way. I don't know. But 32 was a particularly shit year. Most of it was spend in depressive episodes, some minor, some major, all awful.

The thing is, when my mental health is in a good place, I can maintain that. I can sense when I'm starting to slip into a bad place and adjust things in my life to help stop the depression from coming on. When I'm in a good place with my mental health, I control my illness. But, we can't control life. Sometimes things happen that prevent me from engaging in my usual self-care strategies. Like having no money and being really fucking stressed out about it.

But also, sometimes things happen and I decide not to take care of myself. Because depression is slippery like that. It whispers at you to just let things slide, to take the easy route for a change. And considering how hard and how fucking draining it is to constantly be actively maintaining good mental health, the temptation to just, say, have a pint of icecream for dinner instead of cooking for myself can get very strong! Then before I know it, the idea of eating food seems awful and I can't bring myself to cook and the only thing I can stomach eating is icecream, and hey, here come those 40 kilos I worked my ass off to lose. And aren't I just a fat sack of shit who can't even manage to cook a fucking stirfry? And then hey, guess who's back!

The older I get, the more I know about the world, the less able I am to convince myself that feeling like I'd be better off dead is ridiculous. Instead, it becomes about facing that as a truth and living anyways. Finding joy and happiness and meaning anyways.

So, yeah, let's talk about mental health. But let's do so in a way that acknowledges the lived realities of those of us who have mental illness, instead of in a way that panders to those that don't. Let's talk about how the world needs to change. Let's talk about the structural barriers that create systematic oppression, that make living in the world an act of willfully subjecting oneself to violence. Let's talk about what it would be like to recognise life is awful, in a meaningful way. Let's talk about how we can open up space, as a society, to let people breakdown. Let's talk about how we can support each other, collectively, so that we are not forced into maintaining abusive relationships just to survive. Let's talk about the courage it takes to get up every day and face your demons, knowing those demons will never really go away. Let's talk about those who have not been able to continue that fight and remember them and honour them for how hard they tried. Let's acknowledge that sometimes giving up that fight is the only reward we'll ever get for being in it in the first place.