Everything I Am

People talkin' shit but when the shit hit the fan

Everything I'm not made me everything I am

- Kanye West

For the past 2 years I've been spending most Thursday nights involved with this self development course called Human Relations for Everyday Living. It has been an immensely positive thing for me and has transformed a lot of my relationships for the better. In the course we learn about our defense mechanisms and how to let go of them and engage with ourselves and others in more nurturing, positive, healthy ways. Sometimes the things we talk about can feel really theoretical, and while I have been able to see all sorts of subtle changes in myself and how I related to other people, I've wondered if these skills will hold up when they're really tested; as if my day-to-day life isn't a real test! This past week has felt like a real test though. And, when the course starts up again this week, I'll be happy to report that I passed with flying colours.

It's been a kind of strange and wonderful couple of weeks. A lot's happened, and I'm not going to go into all the details of what, but I will say it's involved family dramas, old friends, uni landmarks and the emergence of a new lady in my life. And in everything that has happened, I have seen myself behaving completely differently from how I have in the past. Better, more mature, more self-aware, more reflexive, and more considerate of those I'm interacting with.

I feel like at some point I stepped outside myself and started to observe myself, and the observer-me is acting rationally, whereas I often react emotionally (and oh! the drama that can ensue!) Observer-me has learnt a lot of valuable things about myself the past couple of weeks. It's like I've flicked a switch or something. When it comes to personal development, I'm of the opinion that you've got to make a decision to change. And you have to make that decision over and over and over again every time the temptation of old habits comes calling. Eventually, the old habit fades and a new one is formed. I feel like my decision not to be an emotional idiot, a decision that has been well over 2 years in the active making, is really shifting from something I have to struggle with to something that I just am doing.

I've mentioned in this blog before that my life was characterised by my unhappiness for a long time. It really does seem that after 28 years of emotionally struggling, I've reached a point where it doesn't have to be difficult anymore. I've made a lot of changes to my life since moving to Melbourne; changes which have allowed me to get some much needed distance from my past and the people in it, some much needed perspective on my past and the people in it, and some much needed boundaries around my past and the people in it. This hasn't been easy to do, and those boundaries still need a lot of reinforcing. Sometimes the bullshit from the past finds its way back into my life and I'm left feeling anxious and boxed in. But I have a choice now. I don't have to let it get to me anymore.

These days, my life is good. I'm not angry at the world anymore. I feel completely free to live my life exactly how I want to live it, and that is exactly what I am doing. I feel strong and independent and secure in myself. Whatever people think of me and the choices I've made doesn't matter anymore. Because I know who I am, and I know what I am capable of. And most importantly, I know I'm not going to be the incredibly unhappy person I was ever again.