Move Bitch, Get Out The Way

If you're a regular at the pool (any pool) you're probably familiar with lane rage. If not, it's road rage without the cars. The rules of the lanes are really no different from the rules of the road, and lifeguards play the same role as cops. I guess the nice thing about being at the pool though is that if someone is being a douche, there actually is a lifeguard on hand that you can tell. Though, let's face it, it's so much more fun to deal with the conflict yourself.

Maybe it's not so much fun if you're one of those people who don't like confrontations... Personally, I'm quite happy to tell people to get fucked, even if I know I'm clearly in the wrong. So, this morning, after being kicked in the head by some idiot who either has no idea how to merge or no concept of how one particular skill set can apply to different situations, I decided to develop an easy to follow flow chart to help people determine if my lane is the correct one for them to be in.

Get The Fuck Outta My Lane: A Helpful Guide

Can you swim?

NO → GTFOML, you belong in the Aqua Play lane

YES

↓

Do you understand about lane ettiquette?

NO → GTFOML, go be an asshole elsewhere
YES
↓

Do I think you're a hottie?
YES → Welcome to my lane!
NO
↓
Are you only in the pool because you're dating someone who's actually fit?

YES → GTFOML!

NO
↓
Are you only swimming breast stroke?
NO → Go to next question
YES → Are you putting your head under the water?

↓
NO → That's glorified dog paddling, GTFOML!
YES
↓
Are you swimming butterfly?
YES → GTFOML and anyone else's! Leave that for when you've got the lane to yourself!
NO
↓
Are you swimming at a significantly different speed than me?
NO → Go to next question

YES → Is the appropriate slow/fast lane really busy?
↓
NO → Then GTFOML!!!
YES → You can stay provided you're not being a jerk about the speed difference
↓
Does your entering my lane bring the total of people swimming in it to 3 or more?
NO → You can stay, stagger yourself appropriately
YES
↓
Are you wearing part or all of a snorkelling mask?
YES → GTFO the pool, creep!

NO
↓
Does your swim wear involve ruffles?
YES → Clearly you're not serious about swimming, GTFOML
NO
↓
Are you being an asshole in some other way?
YES → GTFOML!

NO
↓
Congratulations, and welcome to my lane!
I'm sure we'll have a pleasant swim together and nobody will get punched, kicked, or gratuitiously splashed in the face.