Without Country

I put off coming back to Canada for a long time. Historically, it's not a place I've enjoyed being. As I've often said, it may be where I'm from, but it's not my home. Melbourne is my home, whether I stay there or not. But no matter how many times I said it, the reality always was that I am a Canadian citizen, and whenever I enter into Canada, I'm always returning 'home'.

So imagine my surprise when I rocked up to Calgary and the customs officer told me that for immigration purposes I was not a resident of Canada, but a visitor!

While that is certainly how I feel about being back in Canada, it is also a little unnerving because it means that I am a woman without a country. I am in some sort of immigration twilight zone where my status changes depending on who asks and why. My Canadian citizenship is pretty meaningless given that I currently don't have a single piece of government issued Canadian identification (I am between passports, as it were). I don't have any health insurance here; I didn't get travel insurance because I didn't think I was really a 'traveler', but in retrospect, that might have been a good idea. I am not an Australian citizen; I am a temporary resident. And although I live there and my life is established there, my residence can be taken away from me if I don't follow the rules.

It's been interesting being back. It seems like it's not just Canada Customs that sees me as a visitor here; my family do too. I expected to go back to my Mom's and be expected to pick up all my old chores again, but it seems that in the last few years they've figured out how to keep the kitchen clean without me. It's been a much more relaxed trip than I had expected, just being a visitor. The expectations and responsibilities that I've felt get put onto me (which I do not want) have not felt so intense. I don't know if it's me or them, probably it's both. I've been gone a long time, everyone's gotten used to me not being around. And we're all older, and I'm certainly calmer, more centred in who I am.

Much to my surprise, I'm having fun! I like being here! I'm a bit sad that I'm only staying for a month! And I'm glad that I'll be back next year!

I was only in Calgary for a few days, and I had a lot of stuff to do at my Mom's, so the full experience of being back hasn't really hit me. But people seem more relaxed. I don't know, maybe it's the weather. Summer is just coming to an end here, and the weather has been pretty spectacular. My Dad's new place in Kelowna is freggin' amazing! I'm totally over my "let's meet in the middle and go to Hawaii" business; I'm all about Kelowna now! Even if I get mistaken for a heterosexual because there's no real queer culture here, and there's heaps of religious nutballs running around town with anti-choice propaganda. The city is gorgeous, the house is incredible, and the shopping is ace! I totally forgot that Kelowna is the place to buy vintage hats. AND, my favourite store here is still rocking it 3 years later! Plus, I found the dyke shoes of my dreams and had a total broment with the sales guy (he has shoes just like the ones I got, only black and kinda different, but the loves is just as intense).

It's been amazing catching up with my family. I'm glad that my Mom and stepdad are coming out to Vancouver with me so we can spend some more time together. I'm glad I got to spend a few days with my stepsister and go horseback riding and have girl talk til the wee hours of the morning. She really amazes me with how insightful and switched on she is. That girl gets life in a big way! And it's been fun hanging out with my brother, who is about to move into his own place and enter the world of no money and hand washed dishes. I'm very excited for him. I'm sad that my baby brother isn't here, but happy for him because he's off at uni on a football scholarship. I'm glad I'll get to see him next year. And I'm having fun with my Dad and stepmom. It's just going to be the three of us as of tomorrow; and then in a week it'll just be me and Dad. And my thesis. Which is about to re-emerge in my life in all her abusive, controlling splendour. sigh

It's nice to know that although I may be without country, I'm certainly not lacking for love. Here or in Melbourne. I don't know that I'll come back every year, but I don't think I'll put off my visits for so long in the future. Maybe there is a bit of 'home' left for me in Canada after all.