FINISH

Oh yeah, look at me go! My official time was 35:08, which I am very proud of! My name was in the paper and everything. That's pretty darn good for someone who decided to start running on a whim 3 weeks prior to the race.

So what's next? Well, to quote Jay-Z it's "on to the next one." I am planning on running the 10k leg of the Melbourne Marathon in October. Even though it starts at 7:30am on a Sunday. (Who does that? Honestly!) I'm using this Couch to 5k app that one of my colleagues informed me about to train. It's good, even though I'm not exactly the demographic it's targeting. I'm using it to build up my speed. It starts off with lots of walking and short bursts of running, so now I'm sprinting around the dog park. In the rain and the cold in the early hours of the morning. I think I'm going to enjoy running a whole lot more come summer!

As for my bike, I've got some money set aside for it, but I'm still going to be saving up my pennies for awhile. A friend of mine offered me the use of her bike, so I went up to hers yesterday to check it out. Unfortunately, as she is rather a lot taller than me, any attempt at stopping would mean getting all too familiar with her bike. It was nice of her to offer though.

I've called this blog FINISH because from here on in, that's what I'm all about! As you probably won't recall (unless you follow my blog religiously, which would be creepy and weird) in exactly one month from today my scholarship - and hence my financial security - ends. Also, in exactly one month from today, I turn 29. So, yay? And I have exactly 7 months from today to hand in my PhD. To all of this, all I can say is fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.

Look, there's not much I can do about it but go with it. I've got a tutoring job this semester, which I am really super excited about, and I've got a bit of extra casual work on the go. As long as the work doesn't dry up, financially I'll be fine (I may even be better off considering I make a helluva lot more working than on a scholarship). The tricky bit is that there are limits on my visa to how many hours I can work, and as I can't study part time the only way to extend my candidature is to suspend my study and leave the country for awhile. And while a trip to the motherland would be quite nice, I have very little desire to spend my Australian summer in a Canadian winter.

So right now it's all about finding a balance between making enough money to survive, spending enough time studying to finish on time, and having enough down time to not go completely insane. I have already started making some changes to my life to prepare for my upcoming leap from the frying pan into the fire. I've got a rough 7 months ahead of me, but hey, I kick all sorts of ass, so there's no reason why I can't kick this challenge's ass too.

Mission: Accomplished!

Three weeks to train for a 5km race? No problem!!!

So today was the big day, my very first 5km race. And guess what?! I WON!!! I've got the medal to prove it and everything. ;)

Okay, so everyone who crossed the finish line has the medal to prove it, but so what? I kicked all sorts of ass out there, and while I probably won't know what my official time was for a couple more days, I know today's run was a personal best.

Like most things in my life, I jumped into doing this race with very little idea of what, exactly, I would be getting myself into. I decided to do it on a whim, just to prove to myself that I could. Until three weeks ago, the only running I'd ever done was the occassional mad sprint for the tram. Remember when I first said I was going to do this, and I figured I could run 5km in 45 minutes? My time was probably closer to 36 minutes. As I said, ass was kicked!!

I made my way down to Federation Square this morning, where I joined about a gazillion other Melbournites in trackies, skins, trainers, and race bibs. The 5km run started at 10:30am, which was nice as it gave me time to have my morning coffee, a bit of breakfast, and do some yoga before leaving my apartment. There were 3 waves: up to 30 minutes, 31-35 minutes, and 36+ minutes. I was in the last wave. Along with about a quarter of a gazillion other people, as it turns out!

As it approahced 10:30, I joined the other runners in the starting gate and was quickly faced with the unanticipated: there were A LOT of people running in this thing! And we were all squashed onto this road, and the gun was going to go off, and then...was I gonna get trampled...or was I gonna be doing the trampling? Obviously (perhaps) this wasn't unanticipated for the race organizers, and each wave got sent off in smaller, more managable groups. I think the overall trampling was kept to a minimum.

Finally it was my group's turn to go...and off we went! Normally I start off my runs by walking to warm up, but I'd already warmed up for this one, and by this point was feel rather pumped, so I just went for it! And it was AWESOME!!! In no time I was passing people, people who had started before me, and pretty soon I hit a good stride that I felt comfortable in.

Sometimes I think being almost completely unprepared for things can work to my advantage, and this race was definitely one of those times. There were two things that I was psychologically unprepared for that actually helped me to push myself more than I otherwise might have: the sheer volume of people I was running with, and the fact that I had only a very vague idea of how far I'd run and how much further I had to go.

Quickly after the race started, I realized that I was going to be spending a fair amount of time picking my way through packs of slower people. This was actually quite a lot of fun. I'd adjust my rhythme to those around me so that I could come up between two people at the exact moment a spot between them opened up. I'd jump in front of people running faster than me to get around someone slower than me and push myself to sprint so that I didn't end up getting trampled. I ran along the grass, on uneven pavement, and weaved my way through the crowds. Every time I passed a group of people, it made me want to push myself to keep running just that much longer.

The park where I've been doing my practice runs has a 1km track with markers every 100m (except for at 800m for some reason), so when I trained, I'd run for a particular distance (usually 2km) and then slow down to walk for a bit. I figured that there would be a marker for each kilometer of this run and that after I passed the 2km one I'd slow down and walk for a bit. Well, if there were markers for the 5km, I certainly didn't see them! There was markers for the half marathon, but it wasn't particularly useful to run past something saying 12km on a 5km run. Fairly early on I passed some event volunteers who were cheering us all on for having made it "over a kilometer already" but after that, the only time I knew where I was in the 5km was when I got the the sign saying "100m to go!"

Since I had no idea where the 2km point was, I was reluctant to slow down. I knew after the race I could look it up on the map, and that I'd be disappointed if I'd stopped running too soon. So I just kept on going until I got to what I thought was marking the half way point, and only then did I let myself slow down to a walk for a bit. Turns out I stopped running just slightly before the 3km point!!! I didn't want to walk for too long, so after a brief breather and a flick through my music to get some music to pump me up, I was off and running again. This time I ran a bit under 1km before slowing down to walk for a bit again. I'm pretty sure that all up I only walked for 500-600m of the race, which is pretty damn impressive!

After my second bout of walking, I realized I didn't have that much further to go, and I wasn't slowing down. When I got to the 100m mark I started to push myself even harder, even though by that point my hamstrings were tightening up and I was starting to get a side splint. There was just no way I wasn't going to finish the race strong! So I ran all the way through the blue finishing strip before I slowed down. Then it was all about finding the people handing out water and rehydrating. And getting my medal!

I had a friend running in the 5km as well, but I hadn't been able to find her at the starting line. Fortunately, we were able to find each other after the race and celebrate our ass kickingness with a bit of retail therapy, Japanese food, and beer. High on endorphines, we were all about doing the 10km next year. And you know what? Why not?! I had an awesome time running that 5km, and it just continued to be awesome as we wandered around the CBD with our medals while strangers congratulated us on our awesomeness.

But next year, Run Melbourne organizers, I think there needs to be some sort of a 'speed' dating thing set up based on our race numbers. Cuz seriously, there were some hotties out there! ;)

Not only was my first 5km race a big success, but so was my fundraising for Joni's Run For A Bike! I managed to raise $200 toward purchasing myself a bike, and $20 for a dog shelter from a friend who feels that if I want a bike I should "get a job." To everyone who has donated on my behalf, a big, heartfelt THANK YOU!!!! You're all awesome in my books!

Now for my next challenge: learning to ride a bike!

Waiting On My Spaceship

Lately I've had a lot of people telling me that, essentially, I'm amazing. Losing 26kg doesn't go unnoticed, or, if it does, you've seriously got to question who the people in your life are. And it's really nice to hear! I've spent a lot of time in my life being told I'm not good enough, so to have people tell me I'm inspiring, it feels pretty freggin' good. Yesterday I was at the gym and my personal trainer came up to me and told me that I'm doing amazing, and that even the other members were commenting on how well I'm doing. I mean, that's pretty awesome!

The only down side to this new found attention and admiration is that sometimes people just don't get it. These are the people who ask me how I've manged to lose so much weight and when I say, "I work really hard, every day" they just look at me blankly. Then they usually say how they wish they could lose weight too and start listing off a bunch of excuses for why they can't. I've never had a lot of patience for people's excuses. I was once at a craft store looking to buy a photo album for my pictures of my trip to Peru, and the sales associate said to me that she wished she could travel but she's got family, you know how it is. To which I dead pan replied: "Well, we've all got priorities." She didn't take that comment too kindly, which really is the stupidest thing of all because it's absolutely the truth: we've all got priorities. And for her, whatever "I've got family, you know how it is" means is more of a priority than travelling.

It's the same with weight loss and fitness. If you want to do it, you've got to make it a priority in your life. It doesn't necessarily have to be your #1 priority, but I reckon that if you're serious about it, it needs to be one of your top 5 priorities. Otherwise, it's not going to happen. You don't go to sleep every night wishing you could be something other than what you are, only to wake up one morning and find yourself magically transformed. Changing yourself takes hard work! The kind of hard work that I've seen hard working, motivated and determined people shy away from.

But here's the thing: yeah, it's really hard to transform yourself in some way. It doesn't stay hard though. It's not always a grueling process, and you don't always question why the hell you're putting yourself through the process. That's just how it starts. If you keep going with it, it really does get easier. And yes, that generally means it's time to challenge yourself harder, but you know what? Those challenges get easier to take on too.

A year ago if you had told me I had 3 weeks to train myself to run 5km, I would have probably spurted a fair number of obscenities at you. But today, I'm a week away from the race and in this morning's training session I ran 4 of my 5km, and then went to yoga, and have felt strong and energetic all day. It is a challenge to run 5km, but it's no longer a big one.

After I complete Run Melbourne, I am going to continue running. I'm not very fast, and I'd like to get fast. But for now I'm working on building up my strength so that I can run without injuring myself (the new shoes are making a world of difference on that front). I guess that's the thing that some people don't really understand: you can't just roll out of bed one morning and be able to do something you've never done before. You've got to work towards it. And that generally means taking the larger goal and breaking it down into smaller goals. Eventually, I'll be able to run fast because that is something that I want to accomplish and I am actively working towards it. In the meantime, I'm pretty damn stoked at myself for completing today's 5km run in 0:38:15. Since I'm no longer completely ceasing up and in pain after running, I'll be doing a lot of running this week to prepare myself for next Sunday's race.

There is something else frustrating about self transformation that I am probably more sympathetic about: it takes a lot of time. I'm not exactly known to be a patient person, so I definitely get the frustration at the fact that you can't just decide to work at something and accomplish it straight away. I certainly have learned to be a helluva lot more patient through my fitness journey - or at least to be patient with myself. I've stuck with it long enough to know that I will get the results I want if I keep at it, and that helps a lot. Because there are absolutely times where I just want to go full tilt into something, but I can't. Like with swimming. One spectacular day I beat my best time by 2 minutes. It was amazing! That was a month ago and all I've managed to do since is match my second best time, and that was with a great deal of effort.

Changing yourself involves taking a lot of baby steps, or at least it does if you want it to be lasting change. Which is what I have to remind myself of on a pretty regular basis, because I've secretly wanted to be this hard core athletic person for most of my life. And now that I'm closer than I've ever been to obtaining it, it can be really frustrating to think how much further I still have to go. But I'll get there, and I know that. I've worked way too hard and come way too close to accomplishing my goal to stop now!!

This might be a weird tangent to go on, but in my head the link makes sense. I was talking to one of my dearest and oldest friends this weekend about the trials and tribulations of life. Though me and her have different belief systems, we both think about our lives as constituting a narrative: we are the heroines of stories that someone else is writing. Maybe because we are both writers ourselves, we both struggle with the fact that we're not in on the plot line. It's like Stranger Than Fiction: we know that we are in a story, we know that someone else is telling the story, and we're not too happy about not having control over the outcome of the story.

I've been thinking about this a lot since our conversation, though I've thought about it a lot before then too. I absolutely believe that there is some greater force beyond myself that is, to some extent, directing my life. I'm just very reluctant to put a name to what that force may be and very hostile to the idea that somehow this force could be summed up through any one particular belief system (hence why the thought of being part of a religion makes me hiss and spit, and also why I find atheism incredibly reductionist). That being said, it's not like this force has complete control over what we do and that everything in our lives are predetermined. That's just ridiculous! Why would whatever force of the universe there may or may not be bother with having sentient life if only to predetermine every move they make? (Unless, of course, we aren't really sentient...)

I like to think about my life narrative as being of the choose-your-own-adventure variety. Of course, instead of having two choices to pick between to move the story forward, we sometimes can have infinite choices. I think about the mysterious workings of fate like a choose-your-own-adventure book because in those books, invariably there are certain events that you will end up at regardless of what path you take. That doesn't make the journey to those events pointless; quite the opposite! The journey we take to that destination will affect the decisions we make and the next path we take. The journey is, in fact, much more important than the destination.

The two of us are both dealing with one story line ending and the frustration of not knowing where the story is going to go from there. What I have learnt on my various journeys is that life will continue going on, no matter what, and that in time, a new plot line will reveal itself. So, as we both wait for that storyline where we get to enact our own version of Bridesmaids (great movie btw) we've got other story lines in our lives to develop. And who knows where the journey those take us on will lead?

Since my life story can essentially be told through Kanye West songs (seriously), I'll let Mr. West take us out again!

I don't ever wanna go back there so imma be taking no days off until my spaceship takes off.

Two Weeks To Go!

Eghads! There's only 2 weeks until Run Melbourne - 2 weeks to prepare myself to run 5km!!

So far the training is going well. The park near my place has a 1km track, so I've been running laps around that. And I'm quite happy with myself: yesterday I did 5km in 42 minutes, and I ran 3km of that. I had no idea how much running works your thighs and core, but holy crap! I'm having to do a lot of work to recover from running, in the form of yoga and swimming. But it seems to be working. The stiffness I felt after my Thursday run dissipated after my Friday swim, and doesn't seem to have returned after yesterday's run.

I've also invested in a new pair of running shoes, seeing as my old ones are starting to develop holes. I'm really looking forward to taking the new shoes out for a run! They're way more supportive than my old ones, and I always find there's something about new runners that just makes me run faster. Maybe I'll even finish the race in under 40 minutes! Maybe I'll even be able to run more than 3km of the race!

As for my attempt at fundraising for Joni's Run For A Car... well, I don't really need a car anymore. You see, I needed the car because of dating Lady Cop, but since we've broken up, having a car isn't really necessary anymore. So instead, I present to you...

Joni's Run For A Bike!!!

For those of you who don't know me so well, let me impress upon you what a big deal this is: I'm 28 years old and my knowledge of bike riding is entirely theoretical. That's right, I've never ridden a bike. I've resisted learning with Olympic strength stubbornness. But, more and more I have to admit to myself that having a bike would make my life a lot more convenient. And besides, what else am I going to do with the bike lock I've just been donated? So talk to me if you'd like to sponsor me in my run for a bike.

If you're wondering what the heck happened with me and Lady Cop, I think Kanye West sums it up best:

And I always find, yeah I always find something wrong
You've been putting up with my shit just way too long
I'm so gifted at finding what I don't like the most
So I think it's time for us to have a toast...

I won't say more on the matter. Instead, I'm off to do something I haven't done in a loooong time: drink some beer and shoot some pool!

Take us out Mr. West!

Run Joni Run

Over the past 15 months I have been on a fitness journey. Thus far I have lost 24kg, or 53lbs. I look better than ever, I am the slimmest I have been in nearly a decade, and I am in the best shape of my life. And I'm only getting fitter, trimmer and more determined to challenge myself to the MAX!

My exercise mainly comes from swimming and the gym, which I do a combined time of 5 times a week, with yoga on the other 2 days. I regularly set challenges for myself to push myself beyond my current ability. With swimming, I swim 2.1km in under an hour. I do 0.6km with flippers and a kick board and 1.5km of freestyle/backstroke. My best time for the 1.5km is 42 minutes. My goal is to swim the 1.5km in under 40 minutes. But also, I have a goal of swimming 2.4km in under an hour by the end of the year. So now, after completing my 2.1km, I am doing however many extra laps I can until I'm exhausted (which so far is 2, or 60m).

At the gym I do a circuit course that combines cardio and weight training. I do 2 sets, and it involves 10 minutes on the bike and 10 minutes on the cross trainer. Each time I go to the gym I push myself as hard as I can. I set myself a goal that was challenging, but that I knew I would be able to achieve if I kept at it: to ride 4km on the bike and run 2km on the cross trainer in both 10 minute sets. It didn't take me long to reach these distances for my first set, but as when it came time for my second round of cardio, I would be exhausted! I just didn't have it in me to do it for a second time.

But then, the other day I said to myself "I'm going to run 2km on the cross trainer in both sets today." And I did! Thrilled with myself for this, yesterday when I was at the gym I made up my mind that I would achieve my goal: 4km on the bike and 2km on the cross trainer in both 10 minute sets. And you know what? I smashed it out of the ballpark! I rode over 8km on the bike and ran over 4km on the cross trainer in a total of 40 nonconsecutive minutes. Clearly, there is no stopping me.

As I staggered over to the water fountain to refill my water bottle after achieving this goal I noticed a flyer for Run Melbourne, which consists of a 5km, 10km, or half marathon run. In three weeks time. And I thought to myself "I can do that." So I headed home and hopped online to check out what this event was all about ... and I registered for the 5km run!!! In three weeks time.

Not being completely insane, I realize that I've got to actually train for this. Running 5km on pavement is going to be a pretty different experience than running 5km on the cross trainer skis! So I went to the gym this morning before yoga and got on the treadmill ... and quickly discovered that running 5km is going to be more of a challenge than I anticipated! I set the timer for 20 minutes, and managed to run 2.5km in that time. So I reckon I could do 5km in about 45 minutes.

The next three weeks are going to involve a lot of running! Seeing as I haven't ever actually ran 5km, that will be my first challenge: getting used to the distance. I've been looking at maps and figuring out routes I can run around my neighbourhood, and of course I will be even more of a regular in the cardio room at Brunswick Baths than I already am!

So here comes the part where maybe you're going to think I'm a total wanker, or totally brilliant, who knows?!

Run Melbourne is a fundraising event for a number of charities, though you don't have to fund raise to participate. I looked at the list of charities they had available to support, and all I could think was "These are all organisations that really don't really need whatever small amount of funds I could possibly raise for them as much as I could use the money myself."

You see, I need a car. I am slowly saving up to buy one (by which I mean the cheapest roadworthy vehicle money can buy) but my financial situations leaves something to be desired. I'm on a limited income, and I've got debt, so whatever I can save always goes to the debt first. So I thought, maybe people would be interested in sponsoring me in Joni's Run for a Car!

I know there are a gazillion worthy causes out there, and I know there are probably a gazillion things you'd like to spend your hard earned money on for yourself. But you've been following my journey and you've seen me put in the hard yards, so maybe supporting me in my journey is something you would like to put some of your hard earned money towards. Donations of absolutely any size are greatly appreciated and any funds raised will go towards the (eventual) purchasing of a car. My Dad said that all I'm likely to get is a drop in the bucket compared to what I need. But how do you fill a bucket? One drop at a time!
Below is a link that you can click on to make a donation to me via PayPal. Somewhat annoyingly, my PayPal account is in Canadian dollars. I can still get the funds to myself in Australia, but if you know me and do actually want to sponsor me, you can also contact me and we can make alternate arrangements. And if you happen to think other people would be interested in donating for some reason, by all means spread the word!

I'd like to thank my friends, family and colleagues who have all been very supportive and encouraging of me on my fitness journey. Whether I raise any money for myself of not, I'm really glad to have all of you cheering me on. :)

Street Fighter

Perhaps you are not aware of this, but I kinda love action movies. Not all action movies, and not indiscriminately, but I definitely enjoy a good fight scene. Whether it's a beautifully shot kung-fu movie or a gratuitously violent plotless Hollywood blockbuster, if the fighting's good I am probably a fan. I blame my step-dad. We used to bond with him over video games and action movies, and we all always made sure we were home in time for the X-Men cartoon. My love of X-Men, and particularly Wolverine, runs very, very deep.

I wasn't super into video games as a kid, but there were certainly ones I enjoyed. I hated car racing ones (because they are boring and I suck at them, though MarioCart has many redeeming factors...even though I suck at it), and quest games like Mario, Donkey Kong, or Sonic the Hedgehog only held a limited appeal for me. Fighting games though, I could spend hours playing or watching other people play those!

The game that got me completely hooked was actually a quest-fighting game, that I can't remember the name of. All I know is that it wasn't on Nintendo as we'd have to rent the gaming console whenever we wanted to play it. It seemed to be based around a drug deal gone bad, and the players had to fight off all these gangster goons and eventually confront the big boss. So you'd basically go around knifing people, and the reason I loved playing this game so much was that there was a female character, and I could actually, with a great deal of effort, beat the big boss. I knew that I shouldn't enjoy the game as much as I did, but secretly, I was always itching to play it. But that was one of those video games that, as the consoles improved, never quite made it out of obscurity. Eventually, we moved on.

My brother and his friends seemed to especially enjoy playing Mortal Kombat. And sure, you could kill people in strange and gruesome ways, but for some reason Mortal Kombat was always a bit meh for me. I'm not sure exactly why, but if I was to take a guess, I'd say it's because the female characters never really did it for me. In fact, the only female character that sticks out in my mind is Sheeva, and no, that's not attractive!

Now Street Fighter was a game I could get behind! I loved the characters, I loved the story line, I loved the different settings, I loved the secret moves, I loved everything about it. So yes, when at the Secret Wars finale Scale chose to depict Ken Taylor getting his ass handed to him by Ryu, he won my vote, and the crowd's vote, and the judges votes, and therefore, the 2011 title. Much to Lady Cop's (and many others) outrage.

I stand by my vote. Sure, Ken Taylor is an amazing artist, but he's an illustrator, not a street artist. And Secret Wars is about street art, so it's rather fitting that it was won through a street art depiction of a classic Street Fighter battle. Of course, I was already partial to Scale due to his use of Hello Kitty in the semi-finals, and I already had something against Ken Taylor as I lost a bet over what he was drawing in the semi-finals...

The characters in Street Fighter, and I'm thinking Street Fighter II specifically (does that show my age?), were all really interesting and gave you different tactile advantages (and disadvantages) which made it fun to play around with being each one. It should come as no surprise though that my favourite character was, and will always be, Chun-Li. With her long, brown hair, short, blue tunic, and legs of lightening, I was hooked. She'd kick your ass 9 ways to Sunday, then giggle and prance around as the medics carted your broken body out of the ring. This was a woman you did not want to fuck with. And I wanted to be her!

Chun-Li's legs were always a source of fascination for me. They were so... massive and red. Ah, the crappy graphics of old school video games. <3 The point was, she was a total powerhouse, and if you had any doubt, all you had to do was look at her legs. I was always slightly horrified when I'd see her lose a fight. How could those taught, raw, red legs be lying limp on the ground? Defeat is not a word that exists in those thighs!

Chun-Li was more than a secret object of lust for my young, clueless, closeted lesbian self: she was an idol. She was the first female fighter, and she was taking on the big boys! And while she was sexualized and infantilized, she was still a fighter to be taken seriously.  Maybe because her legs were so red, it seemed like she could be wearing tights. I understood that she wasn't, but I felt like I had the option of envisioning her as having clothes on. Of course, as the newer versions came out, Chun-Li has became reduced to one of the now ridiculously sexualized 'girl fighters'. I mean, come on! Cammy? What military regiment issues a g-string body suit as it's combat gear? And yes, Elena with her long legs, brown skin, blonde hair (as all African warrior princesses have, of course) and white bikini was super hot, but none of the other female characters ever inspired me the way Chun-Li did.

So why is Chun-Li suddenly on my mind? Because of my own fitness quest. Over the past 18 months I've gone from being sedentary to becoming an athlete. The transformation has been incredible. I'm shocked at the body I see in the mirror at the gym now, at how much it has changed in just the past 6 months. I am amazed by how trim I have become. I've still got a ways to go, but it's clear that if I stick to it, eventually people will stop being so fucking surprised when I tell them exactly how hard I train.

There's lots of different body types that I could work towards. I could just focus on losing the fat and doing a general tone-up, but no, that's not what I want. This journey was never about getting thin; it was about getting fit. Well, appearances may deceive, but there's no doubting my fitness when I get in the pool. I love the sheer physicality of my life now. I love that I can just do things now.

Of course, there's still a long way to go. While I can certainly give the average person a run for their money, I want more than that. I want to give fit people a run for their money. I want people to be able to take one look at me and know that I'm hard core. I want Chun-Li's thighs!!! And you know what? I'm gonna get them!

A New World Order

This is going to be a long, ranty, opinionated blog. You have been forewarned!

It's been a big week in the world! A Royal Wedding in the UK; Obama kills Osama in the US; Canada elects it's first majority dictatorship government in nearly a decade; and Australia... well, Australia had the Logies, the season premiere of MasterChef 3, and the Biggest Loser finale. And yup, I'm gonna give you my opinions on 'em all!

The Royal Wedding

So I only watched about 5 minutes of this, though I did watch the made-for-TV-movie about how they met. Which, *barf!* To call their story a modern day fairytale romance is such a load of crap. Though, my flatmate pointed out that people are perhaps taking the whole 'marrying a prince' thing very literally when they talk about fairytale romances. And to me, a commoner marrying into royalty does not a fairytale romance make! I don't see how any fairytale romance, modern or not, involves the prince sleeping around and not even having the guts to make a clean break with his love interest. I admit that the entirety of my knowledge about the royal couple comes from watching said barf-worthy movie, but, in my defense, I have to assume that this movie was made to put their story in the best possible light...and he still fucked around on her in it.

As for the wedding itself, I have to agree with the elderly woman at the post office the other morning: it was pretty. I thought Kate and Wills both looked gorgeous, and the dress was lovely. (I'm not a fan of long trains, but considering it was a Royal Wedding, I'll allow it. Especially as it was not ridiculously long, though I did think Pippa looked ridiculous carting the train around.) I thought the couple looked genuinely happy, and while I will not support the use of the term 'fairytale' to describe their relationships, I certainly do hope that they are in fact happy. And also, I was very glad to see that Mrs. Middleton looks nothing like the actress who portrayed her (who'd had so much botox and face lifts that she barely resembled a human being anymore).

Now, you're probably wondering why I'm even talking about this, considering a) I really don't give a rat's ass about the royal family (Prince Phillip's existence was purely abstract for me until a couple of years ago) and b) I strongly dislike weddings, regardless of who's they are.

I am talking about it, essentially, because everyone is talking about it and I don't really understand why anyone is talking about it beyond the points I made above. I have a very hard time understanding what relevance the royals have in today's society, beyond being figureheads of power and a different kind of celebrity. But the thing I like about the royal couple is, apparently they feel (to some extent) the same way. And it's for that reason that I find them intriguing. It seems to me that all this formality and stuffiness (and qadrillions of dollars spent on the wedding) has a lot more to do with the Queen than the couple. Eventually, the Queen will cark it, and it seems to me that when she does, the role of the royals will greatly change. That's the thing about a lot of things in the world today; eventually the old farts will cark it, and us young folks can finally get to work on making some meaningful changes! (I have very little patience for the elderly; I am not going to pretend otherwise.)

Since I'm talking about weddings and marriage, I'd like to pause for a second and clarify my stance on the issue. I know many of you see me as anti-marriage, and for a long time I'd say I was. But, as I've come to terms with my sexuality and found myself living in a country which denies me certain rights based on my sexuality, marriage is something I've done a lot more thinking about. I think that the institution of marriage is incredibly problematic. I also think the institution of education is incredibly problematic, so I can assure you that doesn't mean I'm against it. I just think it's very, very flawed. Historically, marriage's roots lie in property transactions, namely, ownership of a woman transferred from her father to her husband. From this framework, same-sex marriage is nonsensical. That isn't why there is so much bullshit about not allowing it (after all, women and men are now considered equals, or so we're told) but it is an argument for reworking what, exactly, the institution of marriage represents.

Honestly, I am torn about weddings and marriage. I am both appalled by them and want them for myself. Kinda. Of course I want a relationship which is stable and secure enough to be what a marriage is meant to be. But I really do hate weddings. They are these celebrations that are meant to be about the couple, but they so rarely actually are. So much energy is spent into appeasing other people's expectations about what the day should be, and it's bullshit! What the day should be is absolutely 110% about the couple, and if their great aunt Dotti doesn't like it, she can get fucked! So while yes, under duress I could tell you exactly what I would want for my own wedding, the thought of actually organising a wedding puts me into a cold sweat. Because there's no way for me to do it without someone getting hurt. Tempting though it is to say 'screw it' and not ever bother with this whole wedding/marriage business, if I find myself in a relationship with that strong of a bond, well, I think that's something I'd want to share and celebrate. Yeah, yeah, it's on my mind a lot.

Moving right along...

Obama kills Osama

This one is a really tricky issue for me, because, on the one hand, I don't support the death penalty. But on the other hand, what exactly do you do with a war criminal? Saddam Hussein was caught, put on trial, and sentenced to death. And while the sentencing does not sit easy with me, the fact that there was a trial does make a big difference to me. Osama bin Laden did not get a trial. And here's the thing: America has declared war on all these regimes of terror (yeah, yeah, "They started it!") and is constantly going on to the people in these countries where America is fighting terror that they are doing it to bring them freedom and democracy. Well, America, isn't a fair trial for all part of freedom and democracy?

It seems highly unlikely that the order Obama issued was to make every effort to capture Osama alive. There is something exceedingly creepy about a government issuing the order to kill someone. And it's not really any less creepy for a government to order the killing of someone outside of their own governance.

So I've been thinking: what gives someone the right to kill someone else? There are only two situations that I can personally consider to be OK (and I'm leaving abortion out of this, if you want to make a case of it, then basically, there are three situations that I can personally consider to be OK). The first is self-defense. If someone has decided to threaten my life, I have the right to fight for my survival. If this means taking the attacker's life, so be it. For those of you who are in some way pro-war, I think self-defence covers the only type of killing which should occur in a war.

The second is something that went out of fashion a long time ago: the honourable duel. I think that if two people, of their own free will, challenge each other to a fight to the death, both fully knowing and accepting that they could die if they fight, then why not? I must say that if these duels existed, it would have to be completely acceptable for a person to refuse the challenge. It would only be acceptable if both people were fully and freely consenting. I also think that these duel could not be fully and freely consented to 'in the heat of the moment'. If a challenge was laid, perhaps some sort of a state permit would then need to be sought, to ensure both parties were entering into the duel of their own free will. I wonder what society would be like if this was allowed? If there was no dishonour in turning down a challenge? I think that maybe such a society could be a pretty great place to live.

Which brings me to a society that is not such a great place to live...

Canada Elects Harper into a Majority Government

Why? Why oh why would you do this Canada? I just don't understand. Now, in the interest of full disclosure, and in case you somehow haven't already figured it out, I am staunchly anti-Conservative. This is a party that scares people into voting for them, then ignores the needs of their electorate. They are despicable.

Now, I'm going to do a bit of a quick and dirty cross comparison of Canadian and Australian politics so that everyone can be up to speed. This is not 100% accurate, but gives you a bit of a comparison point.

Canada                        Australia
Conservatives              Liberals
Liberals                       Labor
NDP                           Greens
Stephen Harper           John Howard
Stockwell Day             Tony Abbott*
Jean Chretien               What Kevin Rudd could have been
Minority government    Coalition government

*Tony Abbott is the leader of the Liberal party, who are currently in opposition. So I suppose, Canada, it could be worse. Stockwell Day and Tony Abbott are fucking idiots. The only attempt at saying something positive about Harper and Howard that I can make is that they are not on Day and Abbott's level of sheer fucking idiocy.

For the majority of my years as a voter, Canada has been governed by minority governments. This, I thought, was pretty nifty. It meant that there was a lot of debate, that the electorate could more effectively lobby, and that if the government was deemed to be shit, an election could be called. And guess why we just had an election? Because Stephen Harper's government (which seems to be what he's re-branding the Conservative party as) was deemed to be shit! His budget was deemed unfit and his government fell. Or so it was supposed to. But for some fucked up reason, instead of kicking him to the curb where he belongs, or even just electing him in with a minority government (which actually, given the split probably would not have happened), we've given him a majority government. And thus, are stuck with him doing as he pleases for the next four years.

The last time Canada had a majority government was when Jean Chretien was in power. When it became clear to Chretien that he was on the way out, he signed the Kyoto protocol and legalised same-sex marriage, because he could. Because his party (Liberals) had the power to do it. We have now given the Conservatives the power to do as they please. What will Harper do? Well, considering what he's already done the future ain't looking too bright!

My whole life, being from Alberta (which is basically the breeding ground of all things Conservative - Harper's electorate is one over from mine, and there were always billboards of his ugly face everywhere whenever he had some political success), I've heard a lot of bullshit about how any party which is not the Conservatives is 'Bad for Canada'. Given that Alberta is so terrified of change that they have not known anything but Conservative rule for god knows how long, I shouldn't really be surprised. Having at some point in my life stepped outside of the fold and experienced life in other parts of the country and world, I am quite confident that should the Conservative stronghold crumble, the world will not end.

I don't know if I can possibly express just how angry this attitude about the Conservative party makes me. Especially given that I am very hard pressed to think of what, exactly, it is that the Conservatives have ever done that has actually been good for Canada. I mean, unless we're just talking about the super-rich bits, cuz, yeah, the Conservatives are great for them!!

So, just UGH! Canada, I am disappointed in you. The only good thing that came out of this election was that the NDP is now the official opposition party, by a landslide! I hope that over the next four years their actions will convince more Canadians that they are a party worth supporting.

Which brings us to Australia and the TV

The Biggest Loser has come to an end, just in time for MasterChef to start up again. It's the perpetual wheel of consumption. Take the weight off, put the weight on, take the weight off, put the weight on... I wonder if MasterChef will ever launch it's own line of frozen dinners like Biggest Loser has?

Cynicism aside, I did really enjoy this season. Lara got down to 66kg I believe, hopefully it hasn't cost her her mental health. Emma won (and has copied my haircut...ARGH) which is kinda great because she actually lost most of her weight outside of the Biggest Loser camp. But can I just say...Emma is meant to be the hot twin, but Meg, Meg is completely gorgeous! Emma's doesn't even come close.

And that concludes my long winded, ranty blog.