It's Just Like Riding A Bike

Ha! Well, what exactly does that mean when you've never learnt how?

Meet Greta, my new partner in crime.

Gorgeous, I know. That's why I picked her!

On some level I knew that, having only theoretical knowledge of how to ride a bike, it wasn't going to be quite as simple as hopping on and pedaling. I guess I just didn't realize how hard just hopping on and pedaling would be.

I woke up on Sunday super keen to give it a go. It wasn't raining, so I put on my daggiest trackies, got Greta out of the store room, and marched off to the park. I decided to set myself up in the front end of the park where there was a patch of grass that was relatively flat and wasn't full of dog walkers. I hopped on, got my footing, and then realized a series of things:

• Greta has six gears...which one did I need to be in?
• How do you go from standing still to moving?
• How do I turn my lights on?

Honestly, the falling was the only thing I could successfully manage. I spent a good half hour falling. And yes, I looked like a dork, and yes, random people looked at me like I was insane and occasionally openly laughed at me. I was quite the spectacle, and I knew that, and I was OK with that.

What I hadn't given any consideration to was where I live and who was likely to see me making a fool of myself on a Sunday morning. Yeah. I live in the gaybourhood. And being single again, I've put myself back into the ether of online dating. So of course as I was making a fool of myself when someone who I had recently been chatting with walks by. D'oh!

As if that wasn't bad enough... enter the creepy older man. He arrived at the park shortly after I did, and I quickly got the impression that he was overly interested in me. Ostensibly he was jogging, but after his second lap he stopped and asked me if I wanted some help. And for some reason I said, "Yeah, sure!" D'oh!

He spent several minutes suggesting that I move onto a flatter surface than grass, even though doing so would be scary as falling would hurt a lot more. Having just spent half an hour falling over, I was well aware that I'd land on my feet when I lost my balance. So I was like, "Yeah, thanks for the tip, I'll do that." And then he repeated it all over again. He asked me how long I've been living in Australia, and if I planned to stay. I told him how long and said I wasn't sure about staying at this point, he couldn't imagine why.  Then he advised me that as I was clearly going to fall over and look like an idiot and anyone who say would laugh at me and have a go at me, because Australians like to take the piss. Like I hadn't figured that out in the three and a half years I've been here! And then he violated Greta.

Yeah, I won't be taking her out on my own again! I've got a friend who is going to come out with me and help me properly acquainted with Greta, we just have to figure out a time. Until then, pretty she sits, waiting for me to take her for a ride.

Tik Tok

The party don't start til I walk in...

Remember sleep? *sigh* I have this vague memory of a time in my life where I could sleep well and truly past 7am. Now I count myself lucky to make it past 6. It's the thesis, mostly. It's going really super well right now, which means that I'm being haunted by university professors and writing phantom chapters in my dreams. Then I wake up and haunt researchers and write varying levels of esoteric notes on my theory. I recently dug myself into quite a hole, then read an article from a sociology professor at the University of Calgary (who's class I almost took but didn't) that is helping me to dig myself out of this hole. This hole digging metaphor is strange.

By the way, I've pretty much gone crazy.

And you know what's a fun thing to do whilst you're teetering on the edge of sanity? Make Big Life Decisions!!! If you think I'm being sarcastic, I'm not. Life is a journey, and when I'm walking that genius/insane line, that's when I tend to decide on something that takes my journey in some new, unexpected direction. It keeps things interesting. I'm a lot more decisive when I'm in this frame of mind, probably because I don't have the head space to over analyze things. I go with my gut a lot more. Perhaps this is why I am pursuing a career in academia, so I can occupy this mental space more often.

It wasn't my thesis that chased away the sleep and had me wide awake by 5:30am today though. Nope. I'm like a kid at Christmas right now. Why? Because today I am buying my very first bike!!!!

Yesterday as I was walking from the tram to the pool (for a glorious swim) I passed a show with a beautiful vintage style bike in the window...and a sign saying "From $199." I raised $200 from my run, and since I didn't end up getting the hair cut I had budgeted for, I've got some extra cash at the moment. So I checked out their website and saw that there's a sale on just this week, and I figured, why not? My flatmate is going to help me pick up the bike later this morning, since I don't actually know how to ride a bike. I'm very excited about the possibilities having a bike will open up for me. Even though, undoubtedly, there is going to be a fair bit of falling, possibly some road rash, and maybe even a few tears.

I think I shall call her Greta...

Mission: Accomplished!

Three weeks to train for a 5km race? No problem!!!

So today was the big day, my very first 5km race. And guess what?! I WON!!! I've got the medal to prove it and everything. ;)

Okay, so everyone who crossed the finish line has the medal to prove it, but so what? I kicked all sorts of ass out there, and while I probably won't know what my official time was for a couple more days, I know today's run was a personal best.

Like most things in my life, I jumped into doing this race with very little idea of what, exactly, I would be getting myself into. I decided to do it on a whim, just to prove to myself that I could. Until three weeks ago, the only running I'd ever done was the occassional mad sprint for the tram. Remember when I first said I was going to do this, and I figured I could run 5km in 45 minutes? My time was probably closer to 36 minutes. As I said, ass was kicked!!

I made my way down to Federation Square this morning, where I joined about a gazillion other Melbournites in trackies, skins, trainers, and race bibs. The 5km run started at 10:30am, which was nice as it gave me time to have my morning coffee, a bit of breakfast, and do some yoga before leaving my apartment. There were 3 waves: up to 30 minutes, 31-35 minutes, and 36+ minutes. I was in the last wave. Along with about a quarter of a gazillion other people, as it turns out!

As it approahced 10:30, I joined the other runners in the starting gate and was quickly faced with the unanticipated: there were A LOT of people running in this thing! And we were all squashed onto this road, and the gun was going to go off, and then...was I gonna get trampled...or was I gonna be doing the trampling? Obviously (perhaps) this wasn't unanticipated for the race organizers, and each wave got sent off in smaller, more managable groups. I think the overall trampling was kept to a minimum.

Finally it was my group's turn to go...and off we went! Normally I start off my runs by walking to warm up, but I'd already warmed up for this one, and by this point was feel rather pumped, so I just went for it! And it was AWESOME!!! In no time I was passing people, people who had started before me, and pretty soon I hit a good stride that I felt comfortable in.

Sometimes I think being almost completely unprepared for things can work to my advantage, and this race was definitely one of those times. There were two things that I was psychologically unprepared for that actually helped me to push myself more than I otherwise might have: the sheer volume of people I was running with, and the fact that I had only a very vague idea of how far I'd run and how much further I had to go.

Quickly after the race started, I realized that I was going to be spending a fair amount of time picking my way through packs of slower people. This was actually quite a lot of fun. I'd adjust my rhythme to those around me so that I could come up between two people at the exact moment a spot between them opened up. I'd jump in front of people running faster than me to get around someone slower than me and push myself to sprint so that I didn't end up getting trampled. I ran along the grass, on uneven pavement, and weaved my way through the crowds. Every time I passed a group of people, it made me want to push myself to keep running just that much longer.

The park where I've been doing my practice runs has a 1km track with markers every 100m (except for at 800m for some reason), so when I trained, I'd run for a particular distance (usually 2km) and then slow down to walk for a bit. I figured that there would be a marker for each kilometer of this run and that after I passed the 2km one I'd slow down and walk for a bit. Well, if there were markers for the 5km, I certainly didn't see them! There was markers for the half marathon, but it wasn't particularly useful to run past something saying 12km on a 5km run. Fairly early on I passed some event volunteers who were cheering us all on for having made it "over a kilometer already" but after that, the only time I knew where I was in the 5km was when I got the the sign saying "100m to go!"

Since I had no idea where the 2km point was, I was reluctant to slow down. I knew after the race I could look it up on the map, and that I'd be disappointed if I'd stopped running too soon. So I just kept on going until I got to what I thought was marking the half way point, and only then did I let myself slow down to a walk for a bit. Turns out I stopped running just slightly before the 3km point!!! I didn't want to walk for too long, so after a brief breather and a flick through my music to get some music to pump me up, I was off and running again. This time I ran a bit under 1km before slowing down to walk for a bit again. I'm pretty sure that all up I only walked for 500-600m of the race, which is pretty damn impressive!

After my second bout of walking, I realized I didn't have that much further to go, and I wasn't slowing down. When I got to the 100m mark I started to push myself even harder, even though by that point my hamstrings were tightening up and I was starting to get a side splint. There was just no way I wasn't going to finish the race strong! So I ran all the way through the blue finishing strip before I slowed down. Then it was all about finding the people handing out water and rehydrating. And getting my medal!

I had a friend running in the 5km as well, but I hadn't been able to find her at the starting line. Fortunately, we were able to find each other after the race and celebrate our ass kickingness with a bit of retail therapy, Japanese food, and beer. High on endorphines, we were all about doing the 10km next year. And you know what? Why not?! I had an awesome time running that 5km, and it just continued to be awesome as we wandered around the CBD with our medals while strangers congratulated us on our awesomeness.

But next year, Run Melbourne organizers, I think there needs to be some sort of a 'speed' dating thing set up based on our race numbers. Cuz seriously, there were some hotties out there! ;)

Not only was my first 5km race a big success, but so was my fundraising for Joni's Run For A Bike! I managed to raise $200 toward purchasing myself a bike, and $20 for a dog shelter from a friend who feels that if I want a bike I should "get a job." To everyone who has donated on my behalf, a big, heartfelt THANK YOU!!!! You're all awesome in my books!

Now for my next challenge: learning to ride a bike!

Happy Oziversary!

Can you believe it? It's 3 years ago today that I rocked up on Australia's shores. Three years! I can hardly believe it. It doesn't feel like it's been three years. That's the longest I've lived anywhere in the past 8 years.

I remember my first day in Melbourne as if it was yesterday. The weather was much better than it is today. It was hot! I got off the plane from Korea (via Singapore) in my winter coat and thought I was going to die it was so hot! And I had like 8 bags. The university airport transportation people had to put me in a van of my own. I had made arrangements to stay in student accommodations at a hotel on Bell St in Preston. It was a long ways from everywhere and I spent my first day sorting through my luggage, getting my internet set up, and figuring out where the heck I was so that I could figure out where the heck I needed to go. Good times.

It wasn't long after I arrived here that I came to the conclusion I wanted to stay. There's been little question in my mind over the past three years that Melbourne is the place I want to call home on a permanent basis. But lately I am starting to question that. I still love Melbourne very, very much, and I can't think of anywhere else that I'd want to call home, but... I haven't been everywhere else.

Before I moved to Australia, I travelled pretty voraciously; Africa, Asia, the Americas, Europe... But once I got to Australia, the travelling pretty much stopped. A trip to Queensland, a couple trips to Hawaii, and a trip back to Calgary have been it for me. For some people this may seem like a lot; but for me, it's remarkably not. For the most part, this has been because I'm poor. I don't have the money to take off on a trip to Sri Lanka, no matter how cheap the airfare gets. But another part of it is that I needed a break, especially since most of the travelling I did was on my own. After visiting an old, dear friend in Korea, and having such an amazing time getting to travel with someone, my motivation to make those little trips I'd normally take on my own - finances be damned - was hard to summon up.

Lately though, I've been getting itchy feet. This year I am faced with the reality that I will not be a student for the rest of my life, and given that I am living in Australia on a student visa, that means my future is pretty wide open. I've always said the plan is to stay on in Australia (and specifically in Melbourne) and get my permanent residency. That hasn't exactly changed (and no, there is absolutely no way that I will be moving back to Canada), it's more that I no longer have that intense desire to just stay put. Maybe I don't want to live in Australia forever. But I need somewhere to call home and I'd still it rather be Melbourne than anywhere else. Just maybe not forever and ever.

When I was in Hawaii I found myself thinking "I could live in the states, if I knew it was temporary and that I would then be returning to Australia." And since I've been back from Hawaii, I've been missing the vibe of being on an island that comes from being on an island that doesn't also double as a continent. It's true that I've made a good life for myself here in Melbourne, but I've become really aware of the fact that sooner rather than later the circumstances that form the foundation of this life (my PhD) will change. There's gonna be an earthquake, and I have no idea if it will be big or small.

Three years after moving here, I find that I am ready for a change. I don't know what I'll do when I finish my PhD, but I'm a firm believer that if you keep your eyes peeled, opportunities will come around that can lead you to some pretty unexpected places. That is, after all, how I ended up here in the first place.

Zippity Doo Dah Zippity Day

Only two more Hawaii blogs to go! Unfortunately, they're not writing themselves. Neither is my PhD. Jerks! We'll get there soon enough.

On our second last day we had an early rise before we were shipped up to the north end of the island for a bit more adventure tourism: Zip Lining! (Of Flying Fox if you prefer) As we shook the sleep from our eyes, we also got harnessed up to go swinging through the trees.

Maya didn't have any shorts that came down to her knees, so she borrowed a pair of Mary's pants. And thus she was dubbed Jane Goodall.

Once we were all geared up, we were loaded into an old military vehicle and taken on a high speed, off road adventure.

The ride was super fun, and that was just the start! We made our way into the forest and were soon at the base of the first line. Now, I should probably mention that I only had a vague idea of what I'd gotten myself into. It seemed like something that would be pretty cool, but I didn't consider the possibility that it might be, oh, say, terrifying?

The first line was just a short run, not too far off the ground, to give us a feel of what we had signed ourselves up for. It seemed simple enough: walk off the platform, sit back in the harness, hold on to the rope, and glide on over to the other side.

I don't know about you, but I don't spend a lot of time suspended in mid-air. And while I trusted in the equiptment completely, the idea of being suspended in the air definitely was a freaky one for me. But that wasn't even the worst! Stopping really freaked me out! I was going so fast down the line that ever time I came to the end, it seemed like a violent collision was the only way I was going to stop. Thankfully, every time, I was wrong. And eventually, I even started to enjoy myself.

Of course, as soon as I became comfortable with stopping, they completely changed the process. For the first four runs we started on a wooden platform and landed on a wooden platform. But after that, we were landing on a gravel path! We pretty much had to hit the ground running, and continue up the hill with the momentum of our harness. The implication of this, of course, was that we'd be facing the runway when we came in for a landing...

Up until that point, steering hadn't been something I'd needed to be particularly worried about. For the record, my bum only hit the ground for a second, and then I bounced up and was on my feet and running. Pat earned the title of Butt Dragon for his landing.

Once we had gotten the 'little runs' out of the way, it was time to stop and refuel with some snacks before we conquered the longer, higher, faster runs. There was a little picnic set up for us at the 'Mac Nut Hut', where they had an old nut cracker and fresh macadamia nuts, along with the best trail mix I have ever ate! They encouraged us to take whatever was left over, so I took the remaining 3 bags of trail mix for my flight home. I only ended up eating 2 bags, and unfortunately had to surrender the 3rd to customs upon my return. I did consider just eating it in front of them whilst they took my shoes off to be sanitized.

Our guides had quite the sense of humour and did everything they could to mess with us. So as we headed out to our next challenge after our snack break, they hid in the bushes and made boar sounds as Maya and I walked past. I seriously thought that we were about to get charged by a wild boar, and judging by how high Maya leapt, so did she!

Next up was a walk across the suspension bridge. It was quite high up, on a wire frame, and involved walking across a plank of wood.

Apparently this was the thing that freaked people out the most. But for me, this was the funnest part. I love suspension bridges! And we were harnessed onto it, so it wasn't like we would have gone very far if we'd slipped. Maybe it was that I was in control of getting myself to the other side, instead of just waiting for impact. Whatever the case, it was heaps of fun and when I got to the other end I wanted to go back and do it all again. The funniest thing was that the guides were stomping on the bridge to make it shake. I didn't realize this until I got to the very end and saw a foot stomp down on the bridge. Maya came behind me, and John was behind her. Every time our guide would stomp on the bridge, she turned around and gave John a dirty look. Sibling love, ain't it grand?

The last few runs were AMAZING! We were soaring over the tops of waterfalls and looking out to the ocean. We got to walk the plank and even jump off a cliff!!! Jumping off that cliff and soaring high through the air, I finally let go of the rope and just glided. And it really sunk in for me that if I could do that, I could do anything.

So we came to the end of the runs and were all pumped beyond belief. We hopped back into the jeep and went soaring through the mud and back into town.

On the way back our guides told us about this awesome black sand beach that was a short drive and hike away from where we were, and the four of us decided this was something we must do. But first, the parents had found a cute little tiki restaurant for us to have lunch in in town.

Now, guys! Oh my god! This was so exciting!! Guess what I found when we were exploring the town, Hawi, after lunch? THE LESBIANS! I got to give them the secret hand shake and everything, it was great! I did not let the fact that I was drenched in sweat and mud hold me back one iota.

We all had an exciting time in Hawi. The shops were actually quite good, completely aside from my multiple lesbian sightings (and they weren't even together!) and I think we all came away with some souvineers. And then we badgered the parents into taking us to this black sand beach. They protested, because that's there job. But we were relentless (because that's our job) and eventually won. As I stated before, we're all glad that's the way it played out.

The hike down was a little more intensive than we had expected, but it wasn't too bad. Mary was a total champion, doing the hike with a back injury. The trail got quite steep, rocky, and muddy in more than a couple places. It was totally worth the hike though. I mean, there's beautiful and then there's freggin' breath taking!

We all had an incredible time exploring this beach and playing in the black sand. Maya caught some tiny black crab, Pat stuck his feet in the ocean, John smiled, and I made a sand angle.

It was a day full of fun filled adventure and family bonding, just like every day of this trip. But I'm sure it's a day that we'll remember for many years to come.

Surrender to the Sea

I think it's very telling what kind of a year 2010 was for me when the best day of it was December 30th. It was well worth the wait though. So what made this the most awesome day of the year? Big up to my brother Patrick for that! Because on this day he paid for us kids to go on an ocean kayak safari AND THEN he did the impossible, but I'll get back to that.

I've always thought that kayaking looked like heaps of fun, but been terrified to do it. Up until I started swimming, my upper body strength was pretty much non existent. It's still nowhere near where I'd like it to be, but I'm working on that. The other reasons kayaking terrified me was because my balance is like, even more non existent than my upper body strength, so I was sure I'd be flipping the kayak ever 5 minutes. And as much as I love swimming, I love doing it in a pool, far far far away from dolphins and the like.

It was two people to a kayak, so Pat and I went in one, and Maya and John went in another. John, being the athlete that he is, had their kayak off and running in no time. Him and Maya looked like they'd been kayaking all their lives, so I can't really say I blame John for disowning Pat and I...

The strongest rower was meant to sit in the back as they are responsible for steering, so our guides told me to get in the front and Pat in the back of the kayak. Which we did, for about 1 second. As soon as I got in, I tipped us over. Suddenly our guides thought I'd be better off in the back. This did nothing to appease my fear that we would capsize in the middle of the ocean.

We were instructed to row out to the buoy, then stop and wait for instructions on how to kayak. OK, sure, except... how do we get TO THE BUOY?!?!? With John yelling instructions at us, Pat and I set off on our ocean misadventure. With no concept of steering, we completely missed the buoy, nearly got ran over by a large boat, completely missed the instructions on how to kayak, and nearly gave one of our guides a coronary. The younger, more laid back guide was instructed to "get those people under control," as Pat and I headed straight for the big rocks we were meant to stay far, far away from.

With a heroic amount of over steering, we managed to avoid the death and/or serious injury we seemed so keen on finding when we first set out. The total trip was probably about 4km, but I reckon Pat and I paddled a good 6km. It was, without a doubt, the best workout of my life! My arms were pumped and I felt like there was nothing I couldn't do if I set my mind to it (except possibly open my right hand, which was claw shaped from gripping onto the oar for dear life for about a week). Kayaking has become my motivation to kick my fitness drive into high gear this year. I'm going to get myself a full gym membership and make the rowing machine my new BFF.

Now, there was some significance to the place we kayaked to, but I have no idea what it is because the scenic route didn't come with a tour guide. Something to do with a burial ground for a big Hawaiian war over women's rights. I'm sure I would have found it all very fascinating. We stopped at a rocky ledge where the kayaks were tethered together and anchored. Here we had an hour to do some snorkeling, grab a snack, jump off a cliff, and do some exploring. All that was asked was that we not swim into the big jagged rocks where the big waves were crashing in. Fortunately, outside of a kayak, I am not completely navigation impaired. When I told this to our more serious guide he cracked a smile, and I knew all was forgiven. Our guide also taught us a signal to let him know that we were OK, a signal which I'm pretty sure the four of us will use with each other for the rest of our lives.

We put on our snorkel masks and hopped out of our kayaks and checked out the fishies. The water was a lot deeper here than where Maya and I had snorkeled a couple of days before, and the water was also a lot choppier. This meant that we got pushed around with the waves a lot more, as did the fish, which were plentiful.

After a bit of snorkeling we climbed up onto the rocks, had a snack, and wandered around. Our laid back guide took us to see an eel, and then helped Maya and Pat to jump off a cliff. When landing, you were meant to have your legs straight out beneath you. Guess who mastered that and who landed ass first? I opted for not jumping off a cliff.

Then it was time to climb back into our kayaks, which, with some help, I managed to do without tipping us over. We headed back, this time with Pat and I managing to stay far away from the dangerous rocks... so far away that we were much further out than everyone else, going over massive swells, with me completely petrified that a whale would pop up beside us to say 'Hi!' We stopped at a sea cave that normally the tour goes into, but they didn't go in this time. I'm guessing because the ocean was a bit rougher than usual. It was at the sea cave that Pat and I learned how to do a U-turn, thereby making the rest of our trip much, much easier! We even managed to nail our landing, with me paddling solo.

Once we got back to shore, we dropped the parents off at Costco and headed over to Subway for lunch, where we put the 'No Shirt, No Shoes, No Problem' philosophy to test. Home Depot also did not require the wearing of clothing.

That afternoon Mary took Pat, Maya and I back to Mauna Kea Beach where there were some serious waves happening! The three of us swam out into the ocean and bobbed up and down on the massive swells for awhile, until Maya got the idea that we ride in on the waves.

It took us a few tries to get it right, but soon Maya and I were body surfing some pretty decent waves into shore. It was a ridiculous amount of fun! And completely addictive. We'd make our way out to where we thought the waves would break, then watch for the biggest swells, start paddling, and enjoy the ride. Sometimes we soar high on the top of a crest, and sometimes we got sucked under into the rip. I know I did a fair few under water somersaults and was very thankful I've mastered the art of not breathing in whilst under water. Pat came in to join us, and we rode the waves until our knees bled and we were completely exhausted.

I started out our body surfing expedition with my hat and my sunnies on. But doing underwater somersaults meant having to remember not to breath in, figure out how to get my feet on the ground so I could stand up, AND hold on to my hat and sunnies. After one particularly rough somersault I managed to grab hold of my hat before it was lost to the rip, only to surface and realize I was no longer wearing my awesome new sunnies! I shuffled around in the water for a bit in hopes of finding them, and at one point I thought I had found them, but when I reached over to pick them up, I was knocked over by an incoming wave. I figured my sunnies were lost to Davey Jones' Locker, made my peace with it, and went back out. I even saw them again as I was riding in on another big wave, but the tide was too strong for that to give me much hope of finding them again.

But then, in comes Patrick, walking through the water all looking like Jesus, when what does he step on? My sunnies! There was much hugging and high fiving when he pulled them up out of the ocean, thereby christening them my miracle sunnies. I put them safely away with the rest of our stuff on the beach before surfing any more waves. Thank goodness for Pat and his ability to find things with his feet!

The Sound of Silence

"Expecting our problems to go away is truly our fundamental problem. We resist facing our life as it is, because facing life as it is means abandoning how we think our life should be."
- Ezra Bayda

Over the weekend I went on a silent meditation retreat. This was my fourth retreat. As they are not associated with any particular practice, we look at teachings from different schools on each one. This time it was the Zen Buddhist teachings of Ezra Bayda. I found the readings very helpful and accessible, so if you are contemplating meditation, I would recommend looking him up.

When I tell people that I am going on a silent meditation retreat I am often met with a combination of awe and suspicion: "You can't talk to anyone for a whole weekend?", "What do you do?", "There's no way I could do that.", "Um, why?" I find these responses amusing because when I first heard about these retreats my response was so different. I was more like "That sounds interesting, sure I'll go."

The first time I went on one of these retreats I really didn't know what I was getting myself into. Like I've said, I'm a jumper. A friend of mine goes on them regularly and she gave me her version of what happens on these retreats... and I naively took her word for it. I had quite bad hay fever at the time and I asked her if it would be OK for me to blow my nose during the meditation sessions. She insisted that no, it would not be OK, and so I didn't bother bringing many kleenex with me. (In retrospect, considering how anal I am about blowing my nose, I don't really know why I agreed to go along with that.) Her version of what happens on these retreats was more about her own initial concerns about going on them than what actually happens on them. Not the most helpful advise, as I soon found out!

The retreats start on Friday evening and end at lunch time on Sunday, so it's really more like a day and a half of silence than a whole weekend of silence. But that first retreat felt like a month of silence! It dawned on me as the first meditation session started on that warm October night that a) I had no idea how to meditate, b) I had no idea what was going to happen to me, and c) I had no idea what was going to happen to me!!!

The meditation sessions are structured so that at the start we are given a reading, which Don (the guy who runs the weekend) reads out and then we are given some time to reflect on it before moving into the actually meditation. Don provides instructions for those who want them at the start of the meditation, and then it's 30 minutes or so of total silence. As I know now, the instructions start out pretty basic, and as the weekend progresses Don adds in more instructions and encouragements - the most helpful, for me, of which is: whenever the mind wanders, no matter how long or what it's wandered to, it is always a smiling, accepting return to the focus.

That first weekend my mind was all over the place! Focusing on my breath seemed to be pretty much the most impossible task you could set for me. Well, that and being silent around other people. I hadn't expected that to bother me, but when I woke up that first Saturday morning the idea of being around other people caused me so much anxiety that I ran outside and sat, meditating, in a field. My hay fever punished me for the rest of the weekend for that, but, I have to admit it was pretty amazing.

That first Saturday seemed to go on forever. There are 5 formal meditation sessions on the Saturday, which leaves a fair bit of down time. And what does one do with one's down time on a silent meditation retreat? I had no idea. I did, however, have a desire to be close to nature and that lead to some bird watching and me climbing up into a gum tree to meditate. I experienced the whole gammit of human emotions on that first weekend, from rage to elation. And when I was happy it felt overwhelming to keep that emotion for myself. I found myself smiling at people and trying to get them to make eye contact (along with no talking, there's not meant to be any non verbal communicating either).

While the Saturday seemed to go on forever, the Sunday came to an end much too fast. I had just gotten the hang of things and suddenly I had to pack up and go talk to people! I only knew a few people at that first retreat and I felt shy going into the dining room for lunch when the silence had ended. But, I sat down with my friends and they were happy enough to listen to me re-live every moment of the retreat.

Each retreat has been a different experience for me, though it has always been a positive experience and it's always bittersweet when the silence ends on Sunday. I have gotten a lot more comfortable with meditating and find it much easier to quiet my mind these days, though I definitely still find myself wandering off to the most mundane places.

One of the difficulties with meditation is that it makes you sleepy (in fact, often when I'm having trouble falling asleep the first thing I do is meditate). On the second retreat, I was quite tired and planned to use the weekend to catch up on my sleep. And boy did I ever! I fell asleep in every meditation session, except one. And the only reason I stayed awake in that session was because I had slept through the call to meditation. I was fast asleep, with no pants on, in my little room, when suddenly there was a knock on my door. I nearly jumped out of my skin! I tried to jump into my pants and get to the door as fast as I could, since I didn't want to break my silence to say "just a minute!" I spent that session wide awake!

I had just finished reading Eat, Pray, Love before going on the third retreat and I was excited to try out some of Liz Gilbert's meditation practices. As much as I loved that book, I have to say that it's been more of a hinderance than a help to my meditation! Now I often find myself comparing my meditation experiences, during meditation, to hers. And that is most unhelpful!

So what happened on this weekend? I'd been feeling a bit lonely prior to this retreat. Most of my friends are people from uni and it seemed like everyone was too busy with their work and their own lives to do anything social. I felt the absense of community that comes with being an expat. But when I arrived at the monistary on Friday night I suddenly found myself surrounded by smiling, accepting, and compassionate familiar faces. The irony of finding community on an inward spiritual journey isn't lost on me. This time I even looked forward to Sunday lunch, when I'd have a chance to actually catch up with all these familiar faces.

You don't need much in the way of stuff on these retreats, so I've learned to pack light. As I was sitting in the meditation room waiting for the retreat to officially begin I went over what I had brought with me...and realized I'd forgotten my toothbrush just as the bell was rung to signify the start of the nobile silence. D'oh! The first session was about how we try to create control in an essentially uncontrollable world. How apt!

I generally don't come out of these retreats feelings like I have resolved some issue in my life or whatever. I always feel calmer and have a temporary sense of inner peace. Sometimes I feel like something has shifted, sometimes I don't. I got a lift back into the city after the retreat, and as I got out of the car I had a strong sensation that I'd left something behind. I was struck by the same sensation when I got off the tram. I think this weekend I managed to leave some of my sadness behind.

The Start of a Love Affair

Is there any other feeling better than that of the start of a new love affair? All the excitement and raptour! All the potential for things to come! None of the disillusionment of reality! sigh...

Another one of our "lose the cake weight" office ventures involved an "all levels" lunch hour yoga class. I had never done yoga before and really had no idea what I was getting myself into. Ah, like so many things in my life. I'm a jumper.

I jump into something and just hope I come alright on the other end. Mostly, I find this a rewarding way to go about living life. But every now and then I am forced to admit some forethought would have served me well. But that's a tangent for another day.

This lunch time yoga class we went to I intially found quite enjoyable, though incredibly difficult. I was happy to struggle along, and the instructor was pretty good about giving me alternate poses to do when the rest of the class did more advanced things. But then he went on holidays and a new instructor appeared. Her take on "all levels" did not seem to include the "super basic beginners" level and she did not seem to have much interest in giving me the guidance I needed to still be able to get some value for the $14 I had just shelled out. One class in particular I did my best to keep up, massively over did it, and was pretty much unable to use my abdominal muscles for a week. After that, I decided that this "all levels" business was a bad idea and decided to just stick to swimming until I could find a beginners yoga class that was covenient for me.

Well my friends, that time has come! My new apartment is quite near a pilates studio and the Brunswick Baths and this week I started looking into what these places had on offer for a gal with a limited income and at the "super basic beginners" level for pretty much everything. The Brunswick Baths supplied the answer: beginners yoga late Sunday mornings, with student rates. Perfect! So this morning, for the first time in close to a year, off I went to a yoga class.

While I had heard lots about the Brunswick Baths and walked past it many times, I'd never actually gone in before. I got there early and purchased my pass for yoga class. The guy at the front desk advised me to hang out for a bit so I had a wander and looked at the facilities. I'd been considering coming to Brunswick Baths for the odd swim since it's so much closer to home, but I've had some reservations. I'm quite fond of the Melbourne City Baths pool, and I've already got a membership to use there. But, yesterday's swim left me longing for more lanes. I often find the people who use the slow lane at MCB are lacking in lane etiquitte. I'm not quite fast enough for the medium lane, which means I'm either the slow one in the medium lane or the fast one in the slow lane. If I swim in the medium lane I make sure to space myself out so that those who swim faster than me aren't constantly being held up by me. When I swim in the slow lane, I rarely get the same courtesy. Yesterday in particular I felt the pool could have done with an additional slow or medium lane.

As I waited for my yoga class to begin, I sat and watched the swimmers. The pool at Brunswick Baths is a 50m heated outdoor pool... with 2 slow lanes, 2 fast lanes, 3 medium lanes, and an aqua play lane! That's a lot of lanes! Instantly I could feel my heart fluttering and my vision becoming rose-tinted. None of the swimmers seemed too concerned about swimming outside in the middle of winter, and my reservation about that suddenly seemed ridiculous. And so what if it's all chlorinated, as opposed to the MCB which is a mixture of salt water and chlorine? I have goggles! And yeah I normally swim in a 30m pool, but what a great new challenge 50m would be! *Cue cheesy love song*

Eventually, I tore myself away and joined the queue for yoga class. I really enjoyed the yoga class. The instructor was helpful and kind, the poses were all things I could do, and the atmosphere was friendly and welcoming. And best of all? The room it's in looks out over the pool.