A couple of weeks ago I somewhat unexpectedly found myself unemployed. While it's a temporary loss of income, it's unclear how long it'll be. This left me frantic and stressed and scrambling to find work. Any work. OK, almost any work. Finding something casual and temporary has proved difficult. And while I haven't given up hope, I've realised it's more practical for me to be putting my energy into finding new work in my field, even if it means forgoing an income for a little bit.
As stressful as this has been, having this time has made me realise how badly I needed a break. It's not exactly ideal to be taking a forced, unpaid, break, but, it's made me spend some time taking stock of my life.
Some other things have happened as well, one of those being that I finally let go of a relationship that I'd held on to for too long. You see, I've got a long history of staying in relationships for longer than I should. In fact, if my life was a Country Western song it'd be called 'I should have left you long ago (but I stayed)'.
Walking away wasn't easy (or pretty). It was painful and messy and left me with some things to process. Fortunately for me, I've also got plenty of time to sit and reflect on how I got myself into that mess and why I stayed for so long.
What I realised is, the year before I met my ex was insane. There was so much big life stuff happening, and on top of that lots of ridiculous bullshit stuff that I was responsible for dealing with, that I'd just been surviving in crisis mode. There were health issues, housemate issues, housing issues, relationship issues, family issues, thesis issues, friend issues, work issues, money issues, immigration issues... At baseline my life was pretty stressful, but there was always some additional thing I also had to deal with. And every time I'd overcome whatever calamity had arisen, a new one emerged.
Things were finally starting to settle down for me when I moved into my own place. My housing issues were coming to an end, as were the housemate issues. Work was stabilizing, my income was fairly steady, my health was improving, my thesis was being examined, I had a plan of action for my immigration stuff, my family and friends were alright, and I was single and excited about getting to be single in my own place. I hadn't quite gotten the balance back into my life of focusing on myself, but it was on the horizon.
A week after moving into my new place, I met someone. I hadn't planned on it becoming a thing, I wasn't looking for it to become a thing, but it became a thing. He was handsome and charming and after what had been a very difficult year, a perfect distraction from dealing with my own life.
So I focused on him and on our relationship and for awhile, forgot about myself. It didn't last though, the distracting myself from myself. Once the magic wore off, my life was still a mess and I had the added burden of an unsupportive partner to deal with.
There were some practical reasons for why I stayed longer than I should have. But mostly it was fear. Not fear of being alone; I've been single most of my adult life and know that that's quite a comfortable and fun place for me to be. No, the fear was of having to deal with the mess my life had become. I wanted someone to hold my hand, to tell me it was going to be OK. But what that resulted in was actually me holding myself back.
I've said it before, and I suspect it's a lesson I'm going to keep re-learning for a long time: life is much easier once you let go and just face the fear.
It's been hard. It's been really hard. And it's going to continue to be hard for awhile to come. But having the chance to get back in touch with myself is worth all the hardship that's made it happen. Being forced to take a step back, I feel like I can see clearly again. It's still early days, but I've got a much better sense of what I want for myself and what I don't. I can see the parts of my life that were allowing me to grow, and the things that were holding me back. I am coming up with a plan of action for how I want to live my life now. I am thinking about ways to rebuild that will allow me to have the balance that has so sorely been lacking for far too long.
For starters, I need to get back to writing.
Showing posts with label career. Show all posts
Showing posts with label career. Show all posts
Monday, March 2, 2015
Tuesday, August 5, 2014
Post PhD Paralysis
I got the results from my thesis back a month ago: passed with revisions. It's a result I'm very pleased with. My examiners comments give me lots of food for thought and encourage me to take my thinking further. And while I don't agree with all their suggestions, agreeing is hardly the point of academia.
But when people ask me how I'm celebrating, my response is "I'm not." I thought I'd be thrilled to see the result of 6 years of hard work come to a successful end. But I'm not. For the most part, I feel apathetic.
And that's been really confusing for me. Confusing and stressful. Because as I try to sort out what this apathy is about, I'm faced with that big looming question of "What next?" And that's a question I haven't really had an answer to. Like Jack Sparrow in Dead Man's Chest, my compass doesn't know where to point.
When I made the decision to move to Australia and pursue postgraduate studies 8 years ago, the idea of being an academic thrilled me. I was desperately unhappy with my life; study was an out. It was a way to a better future. And while I thought that better future would involve living the my-work-is-never-done lifestyle of a hotshot academic, a lot has changed for me since then.
During the process of doing my PhD my priorities shifted. Through a lot of hard work I gradually built a life for myself that makes me happy. A life outside of my PhD. And while I wanted to make living my new life my priority, I didn't know how to shift my thinking of what it was I would be getting out of my PhD in the end. So even though the prospect of being an academic hasn't exactly thrilled me for some time now, when people asked me what I want to do post-PhD I still say "Research, through a university."
Because my personal life was not a source of pleasure for me, and because I couldn't really imagine myself wanting something more than I wanted a career that would take me away from the things that made me unhappy, I never gave much thought to other career options. I'd be an academic. I'd work hard and long and travel and my ideas would be interesting and engaging. That's what I thought would constitute a good life. A life where I would be constantly striving on to the next big thing.
As I've said, a lot changed for me. I stopped looking to the future and started living in the present, and I discovered that I like it in the here and now. When I think about it, I used to buy into the idea that life has these trajectories that we go down and if you mean well things just kind of work out. But that's not how the world works. Times are bloody tough out there! I've come to terms with the fact that life is often shit and you just have to deal with it because it doesn't matter who you are or what you've been through, life doesn't owe you a fucking thing. Whatever you want from life, you've got to work smart to get it. And be prepared to roll with the punches when it doesn't work out anyway.
What type of a career I have has become a lot less important to me. Instead, I want to focus on enjoying my life. My career goals have shifted to finding something that will pay me enough to be comfortable while managing my debt load, and flexible enough that I can continue pursuing the various adventures life throws my way. I realise that I'm basically chasing after a unicorn, but I want my life to be a lot more than my job! The problem with academia is, it's a particularly exploitative industry, with the situation growing worse by the minute. I've seen the changes that have occurred over the past 6 years, I do not like where things are heading!
I'm writing this from a farm house in central Queensland, because of that whole prioritising living my life thing and because, if you let it, life takes you on some funny adventures. And while I'm meant to be studiously working away on my thesis revisions, I've mostly been sitting here, letting my anxiety about the future grow into paralysis. So yesterday afternoon I was delighted to go sit in a tractor for a few hours and feel anxious there instead! While scouring Facebook, I came across this article that a friend had posted. And I don't know why, but something in me clicked.
The thing is, I love doing research. I love engaging with theory. I love writing. And I am good at all those things. They bring me happiness and make me feel alive. But I don't want to be in the academic rat race. I think ultimately what I would like to do is work in, or with, the community sector. I like the idea of doing work that has practical, tangible benefits for actual people. I don't really know what this role would actually look like, but I feel like I've got at least a vague sense of a goal of something I can work towards. And I know that it is going to take a lot of work to get myself into the career path that I want. It's not going to happen overnight and I probably will have to make some short term sacrifices with living my life to achieve the long term goal. That's OK though, because my compass knows where to point.
But when people ask me how I'm celebrating, my response is "I'm not." I thought I'd be thrilled to see the result of 6 years of hard work come to a successful end. But I'm not. For the most part, I feel apathetic.
And that's been really confusing for me. Confusing and stressful. Because as I try to sort out what this apathy is about, I'm faced with that big looming question of "What next?" And that's a question I haven't really had an answer to. Like Jack Sparrow in Dead Man's Chest, my compass doesn't know where to point.
When I made the decision to move to Australia and pursue postgraduate studies 8 years ago, the idea of being an academic thrilled me. I was desperately unhappy with my life; study was an out. It was a way to a better future. And while I thought that better future would involve living the my-work-is-never-done lifestyle of a hotshot academic, a lot has changed for me since then.
During the process of doing my PhD my priorities shifted. Through a lot of hard work I gradually built a life for myself that makes me happy. A life outside of my PhD. And while I wanted to make living my new life my priority, I didn't know how to shift my thinking of what it was I would be getting out of my PhD in the end. So even though the prospect of being an academic hasn't exactly thrilled me for some time now, when people asked me what I want to do post-PhD I still say "Research, through a university."
Because my personal life was not a source of pleasure for me, and because I couldn't really imagine myself wanting something more than I wanted a career that would take me away from the things that made me unhappy, I never gave much thought to other career options. I'd be an academic. I'd work hard and long and travel and my ideas would be interesting and engaging. That's what I thought would constitute a good life. A life where I would be constantly striving on to the next big thing.
As I've said, a lot changed for me. I stopped looking to the future and started living in the present, and I discovered that I like it in the here and now. When I think about it, I used to buy into the idea that life has these trajectories that we go down and if you mean well things just kind of work out. But that's not how the world works. Times are bloody tough out there! I've come to terms with the fact that life is often shit and you just have to deal with it because it doesn't matter who you are or what you've been through, life doesn't owe you a fucking thing. Whatever you want from life, you've got to work smart to get it. And be prepared to roll with the punches when it doesn't work out anyway.
What type of a career I have has become a lot less important to me. Instead, I want to focus on enjoying my life. My career goals have shifted to finding something that will pay me enough to be comfortable while managing my debt load, and flexible enough that I can continue pursuing the various adventures life throws my way. I realise that I'm basically chasing after a unicorn, but I want my life to be a lot more than my job! The problem with academia is, it's a particularly exploitative industry, with the situation growing worse by the minute. I've seen the changes that have occurred over the past 6 years, I do not like where things are heading!
I'm writing this from a farm house in central Queensland, because of that whole prioritising living my life thing and because, if you let it, life takes you on some funny adventures. And while I'm meant to be studiously working away on my thesis revisions, I've mostly been sitting here, letting my anxiety about the future grow into paralysis. So yesterday afternoon I was delighted to go sit in a tractor for a few hours and feel anxious there instead! While scouring Facebook, I came across this article that a friend had posted. And I don't know why, but something in me clicked.
The thing is, I love doing research. I love engaging with theory. I love writing. And I am good at all those things. They bring me happiness and make me feel alive. But I don't want to be in the academic rat race. I think ultimately what I would like to do is work in, or with, the community sector. I like the idea of doing work that has practical, tangible benefits for actual people. I don't really know what this role would actually look like, but I feel like I've got at least a vague sense of a goal of something I can work towards. And I know that it is going to take a lot of work to get myself into the career path that I want. It's not going to happen overnight and I probably will have to make some short term sacrifices with living my life to achieve the long term goal. That's OK though, because my compass knows where to point.
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