The Beginning of The End

Don't waste your time fighting the line

State your course and you'll understand

- Jay-Z

Tomorrow is a big day for me. Tomorrow everything changes. Though, of course, it already has. Tomorrow is my birthday. Tomorrow is the first day of the end of my 20's. Tomorrow is also the last day of my scholarship. And of course, tomorrow is the first day of the rest of my life.

I remember last year I was really anxious about turning 28 and what this year would hold in store for me. I knew it was going to be a challenging year, and whether it was obvious or not, this time last year I was really freaking out about how I was going to manage. But looking back at the past year... it kind of blows my mind how much I've changed, how much I've grown, how much I've learnt about myself.

Not too long ago my flatmate and I were reflecting on our lives and how different (read: better) our late 20's have been from our early 20's. Thinking about how 28 has been for me, I had mixed feelings about the year. But as my flatmate said, "I think you'll look back on this year as a time when some really positive changes started to happen in your life."

And it's true! For starters, I've lost 20kg in the past year. I ran my first 5km race, and now I'm training for a 10km race. I finished my data collection, completely lost interest in my PhD, then fell utterly in love with it again and now want to build my future career on the research I am doing now. I've healed my relationships with my parents a lot, and I've gotten to reconnect with my siblings as adults, which is nothing short of awesome! My professional skills are starting to be recognized in the form of gainful employment and mentoring...

It hasn't all been fun times and kicking ass though. I had a very stupid fight with a friend, and while we've reconciled now, I regret that I became the kind of person who would let that happen. One of the things I've realized over the past year is that friendship is something I value very dearly. I get along well with most people, but it's rare to find someone who I can truly call a friend. And while there are some people back in Canada who I feel like I've gotten closer with this past year, I've felt a lot of disconnect with my friends here in Melbourne. And given that I live in Melbourne, that is hardly an ideal situation! Then there are the incredible grey areas... Breaking up with Lady Cop, twice, is hardly my idea of a good time. But then, a lot of good has come out of it. A lot of good, and a lot of change, and according to a psychic we went to, change is always a good thing.

I started this blog with a lyric from my current favourite hip-hop song, Blue Magic. The reason this song resonates so much with me right now is that, like so much of Jay-Z's music, it's about coming out of tough times on top. Jay-Z is an absolute inspiration to me. This is a man who came from a situation where nobody expected him to amount to anything, but he always knew better. His intellect, his insight into the way the world works, and the way he so simply yet cleverly lays it out, it's pure beauty to me. This is a man who has been, and who I am sure continues to be, under estimated. A lot of people who get under estimated get this attitude like they've got something to prove to the world, but not Jay-Z. He knows what he is capable of, he knows how good he is, and he knows the world is never really going to get it. But instead of trying to make the world sit up and take notice, he just goes about living his life, doing his thing, absolutely on his own terms, whether the world notices or not. I find that absolutely admirable. Especially because as he's always known his own worth, he's always managed to have control over his career.

Which brings me back to the lyric I opened with. We all come into the world in a particular context: in a particular moment in history, in a particular socioeconomic status, in a particular family, in a particular part of the world. We can't change those things; we've got to play the cards that we're dealt. How we play them though, is up to us. There's no point trying to fight the things that are outside of our control. We are much better off to accept whatever circumstances we are in and focus on how we're going to work with whatever we've got to make the best of the situation we're in.

I've been thinking a lot as my birthday has approached about what my circumstances are, and what I can do about it. And this is the thing: when Lady Cop and I were together, I was fighting the line; I wasn't focusing on myself and my own abilities, and while I thought I was maneuvering myself onto a better course by relying on someone else, I was actually making things a lot more difficult for myself. What inspires me about Jay-Z is how clearly he manages to stay on his course, even with other people in his life. I mean, Beyonce is a mega-superstar with her own career and life goals and all of that. She is an amazing woman and an amazing catch, and I know a lot of people would think that if she snaps her fingers, he'd better come a-running. But no! It's not like that at all. He knows that she's incredible, but he also knows he's awesome personified too. Being with her doesn't change his course. He's still going to do what's right for him.

I want to be the kind of person that can say "You're awesome, I want to be with you, but this is my life and I am living it this way, whether you're in it or not." This is the biggest lesson I have learnt over the past year, and it's been a hard lesson to learn. Compromise is important in relationships, sure, but it is different from going off course with your own life.

So I'm not fighting the line; I've stated my course, and I understand.

What does that mean for my 29th year? Finishing my PhD is my number one priority. But I have to be realistic: my candidature expires in 6 months, and especially given that I now have to engage in paid work to survive and that I want my PhD to launch my future career, I need more than 6 months to finish. So I have decided to extend my candidature by 6 months, which means taking out student loans and paying tuition. I will submit my thesis before my 30th birthday!!! And while I do still want to continue losing weight, right now I am happy with my body. I like my fitness regime; it's not as hardcore as previous ones, but it's enough to continue improving my fitness and toning my body without having to be obsessive about what I eat, while having the flexibility to allow my PhD to take priority. Having a social life is vital to my well-being, so I am actively making new friends and reconnecting with old ones. For reasons that unfortunately stopped being relevant too late to change anything, my flatmate is moving out and someone new will be coming in (tbd, don't want to jinx it, not talking about it until it's in the past).

Tomorrow is a fresh start. From here on in, I'm running the show.

Moment of Silence

2010 has not been the greatest year for me, so it's not really a big surprise that as the year draws to a close, the string by which my life has been hanging suddenly reduced itself to a thread. I've been feeling like I'm falling off the edge of a massive cliff, and naturally enough, I've been fighting that feeling. But all the fighting hasn't stopped me from falling. In fact, all it's done is given me a few extra cuts and bruises as I've desperately tried to cling to the rocks on my way down.

But something shifted in me in the last couple of days, and I decided to just let myself fall. Scary though it was, I decided to let go and see what happens. And what's happened has taken me by surprise. Once I allowed myself to just go with what I was feeling and be open about my insecurities, the massive cliff didn't seem so massive anymore. In fact, it's been more like falling out of bed. Yeah, I'm a bit startled and sore, but I'm OK, oh, and hey, now that I'm down here, I've found my missing underwear!

I've been incredibly stressed out this year, and my health has suffered from it. As the summer weather finally started to make itself know in Melbourne, I found myself with a pulled neck muscle and the start of a cold that was leaving me weak, dizzy, and tired. I know I'm in shit when my stress and anxiety takes on physical form, so I was feeling extra done in for this week. That combined with a major freak out about my PhD left me looking to spend my weekend curled up under the blankets, away from the world.

But, a couple chiropractor adjustments later and my neck is feeling fine again. A talk with my supervisors about my PhD has lifted some of the anxiety, and their encouragement to give myself a bit of down time means the world, because it means I can just curl up on the couch and watch unhealthy amounts of Buffy and not feel guilty about not working on my PhD. And - OK this one is gross, I'm warning you now - I decided to actually look at what was going on in my throat that was causing me so much pain and discomfort. Well! It's no wonder I've been feeling miserable! My tonsils are basically rotting.

Strange as this may sound, realizing that's what's happening really changed everything for me. Because my tonsils are horrible! They get infected all the freggin' time. For some reason, they haven't gotten infected in my time in Australia, so that's probably why I wasn't immediately aware of what was happening. It's an easy fix: I've got a doctor's appointment on Tuesday, he'll look in my mouth and say "Hmm, well it's probably an infection. We'll take a swab to be sure, but I'll send you away with a prescription for penicillin and you can start on it now." If I was in Canada I would refuse to leave his office until we had a serious discussion about removing my tonsils, but as my health insurance stands now, I would have to pay out of pocket for the surgery and then be partially reimbursed. So I think I'll wait on having that conversation until I have a medicare card. In the meantime, I'll keep myself on a steady stream of Neurofen for the pain and inflammation.

Because I've had rather a lot of illness this year, I was quite worried about there being something serious wrong with me. Now that I know it's just my 32nd tonsil infection, I suspect all the other health problems were just to do with being extra run down this year. As I've said, it's been a rough year! So now I am feeling quite justified in putting my feet up, watching an unhealthy amount of Buffy, eating some ice cream, drinking some ginger ale, reading books that have nothing to do with my PhD, and sleeping for as many hours as I damn well want. I am not going to yoga and I am not going swimming until this infection starts to clear up (which should be pretty quick once I get on the penicillin).

I walked down to the grocery store earlier this afternoon, and for the first time in quite some time I felt like myself. I had Jay-Z pumping in my headphones, telling the world that he don't give a fuck about their rules, and I just thought, "Since when am I life's bitch?! Since when do I let things being hard stop me? Since when do I let anyone else determine what is best for me?"

Fuck you 2010, I'm taking my life back.

This is death of auto tune, moment of silence.

Vouyorism 101

I enjoy Tegan & Sara's music enough to consider myself a fan. And I am not the kind of person who feels the need to know the life details of the musicians that I enjoy. So, when I made my 'debut' into the lesbian community of Melbourne, I really had no idea that these two facts would lead to my foot being put so firmly in my mouth. 

About a year ago I was chatting with a woman online and she was excited to hear that I'm from Calgary, because she is a big Tegan & Sara fan and they are also from Calgary. My response to this was "Yeah, well I know one of them is, but I don't know if both of them are." It wasn't until a good 6 months later when they were featured in an issue of LOTL that I realized why I never heard back from that woman: Tegan & Sara are twins. They're also both out and proud lesbians (my response to which got me in even further trouble!)

Prior to my finding out about all of this, one of my favourite Tegan & Sara songs was (and still is) 'Living Room'.



So you can imagine my excitement when I discovered that my new apartment allows me to quote from this song in relation to my own life!

"My windows look into your bathroom. Well I spend the evening watching you get yourself clean."

My apartment building is directly across from another apartment building. The windows on the bathrooms for the apartments on these two buildings are frosted glass. Now, the point of frosted glass is meant to be that it obscures the view in while still allowing all the natural light in. But my experience of frosted windows, time and time again, has been that they only actually obscure the view out, so anyone looking in can actually see in fairly clearly. Frosted windows must have been designed by a voyeur!

Now, I have to admit, I am a bit of a voyeur. For years now I have peered into people's windows as I walk down the street. Why? Because it's amazing the things people do when they think no one's watching. Maybe that is why the internet fascinates me so much; it has the feeling of being private while actually being very public - you never know who's watching (yes, yes, there's an exhibitionist in me too).

My kitchen window looks directly into the bathroom of the apartment across from me. I discovered this one night as I was doing the dishes, gazing out the window, only to discover that I could see my neighbour peeing. My reaction was a mixture of being grossed out, being glad that he washed his hands afterwards, and being intrigued that my kitchen window offers a view into such an intimate and private part of my neighbours' lives. Suffice to say, the kitchen window has become my favourite window.

A part of me feels like I should be ashamed of this, that I should make some effort to respect their privacy. It is only a small part. The rest of me says that I should just accept that this is just who I am and this is what I enjoy. So thank you, inventor of the frosted window, for creating such a wonderful voyeuristic tool. And thank you, neighbour, for that little dance you did while brushing your teeth this morning. It made my day.