Balance

Recently my Mom was commenting that it's been awhile since I've updated my blog. It has been! And I imagine that my blog posts will continue to be infrequent for the next several months, until I finish my thesis and get to face the real world excitement of unemployment! Yes, times are bum and getting bummer! And while there is a light at the end of the tunnel (dim though it may be) for finishing my thesis, I can't quite make out the light in the 'poverty' tunnel anymore. My days as a starving student may not come to an end when I stop being a student after all. Huzzah!

Yes, money has got me stressed. My scholarship has long run out, soon my tuition fees will start accruing, and budget cuts have meant that on the rare occasion where casual work does pop up at my research centre, there's about 20 post grad students scrambling to do it. Being told to "hurry up and finish" my thesis isn't exactly helpful when I'm worrying about how to pay the next month's rent. All of which is complicated by my being an international student, meaning, I have to pay a fuckload more for everything and have a fuckload fewer resources available to me. I don't regret coming here, at all, but it is a lot harder than I ever expected it to be.

My life at the moment is like a game of Tetris. I'm doing my best to put the pieces together and clear the lines, but they keep coming, faster and faster. Money, uni, work, visas, health, friends, family, lovers... All coming at me in weird angles, forming complex shapes and piling up in debris around me instead of steadily building into coherent lines that are easily cleared from the screen. And like in Tetris, I am taking risks, putting pieces in where they don't necessarily fit in the hopes of creating a line that can be cleared later on. Am I doing a good job of it? I don't know. But I'm still in the game, and that's what counts!

You know what it's like? It's like walking a tight rope while juggling 3 balls, when you don't know how to do either. I walked a tight rope recently...not while juggling, but I did that recently too. At the end of last year I finally decided that I would join up with the Women's Circus. I started the New Women's program in January. It is - without a doubt - the best decision I have made all year!

I was fortunate enough to end up in a class with the most amazingly friendly, supportive and fun women! And not only have I made some awesome new friends, but I've made them while doing the most ridiculously cool stuff! The kinds of stuff that you just don't get to do as an adult. But the best thing about circus is: for two hours every week the stress of the Tetris game goes away. For two hours every week all the complexities and worries are gone, and in their place is fits of giggling, goofing off, learning new skills, and just having fun!

The New Women's program isn't focused on any one circus skill, but covers a wide range of different skills, and involves playing a lot of fun/silly games. Like 'tiggy tag' or 'freeze tag' as we'd call it in Canada, and 'chuck the chook' (I don't know what we'd call that one in Canada, but it involves a rubber chicken). My all time favourite game was one where we were in groups of 4, we lined up single file, hands on the person in front's shoulders, and only the back person was allowed to have her eyes open. It was her job to steer the rest of us in a human locomotive. I liked being one of the people with their eyes closed best. I couldn't stop laughing!! And when I was at the front of our train, I started doing some dance moves that had our conductor in hysterics. Our trainers (who are INCREDIBLE) kept telling us to try and keep it a relatively silent activity...which wasn't exactly happening due to my hyperventilating from laughing too much.

Every week we do something different, and we usually have no idea what we'll be doing until we're already in the class. I like the surprise of each week. It makes me extra reluctant to miss class! And I like that we get to try so many different things: aerials, acrobalance, clowning, stilts, tight rope walking, tumbling, trampolene, juggling, hula hooping... You just never know what's coming next!

Funny story about that: we do a lot of activities that involve being up close and personal with each other. You get used to having someone you've just met touching you in ways people don't normally touch you. So one day, after doing some warm up games stuff, when one of our trainers announced what we were going to be doing next I heard 'group pooping'. Everyone in the class began to cheer and get visibly excited, meanwhile, I had a look of complete horror on my face and was like "Wait, what? We're doing what? Please tell me I did NOT hear that right!!!" And no, I did not hear her right. She said we were doing hula hooping, not group pooping. I was only slightly relieved.

Much to my surprise, I do not enjoy hula hooping! It's awesome to watch people who are good at it do their thing, sure. But I am not one of those people! I am terrible at hula hooping! I just do not understand how my body is meant to move in order to make the hoop not fall to the ground. And it apparently doesn't matter which part of my body I attempt to spin a hula hoop from: it ain't happening! I'm OK with this though. There are many other things that I am good at, and many other things that I am terrible at but that I deeply enjoy anyways. Hula hooping is just not for me. Juggling, on the other hand... I am pretty crap at juggling, but also much to my surprise, it is pretty much my favourite thing to do. Go figure!

Tumbling is another activity that I'm surprised to find myself loving! Up until a few months ago, I had never, in all my life, done a somersault. Even as a kid, I just couldn't figure it out. I could do backwards ones for some reason, but forward rolls alluded me. But then one day we did them at circus. The trainers took us through the process of doing a forward roll step by step and got us onto this wedge mat to make it easier for us. When my turn came to attempt the forward roll I expected to end up heaving over sideways. But, I bent over, bit my bum, and HUZZAH! Over I went, in a relatively straight line! By the end of the class I was doing them on the floor without any assistance. Tumbling is decidedly awesome!

Then there's aerials: things like trapeze, ropes, tissue, and the cloud swing. I struggle with aerials. I don't have the upper body strength to pull myself up onto the equipment, which can be a challenge. But, as I recently found out, it's not really an excuse for not giving it a go anyways! We did a bunch of aerials stuff a few weeks back, when I happened to be in the most foulest of foul moods. I was feeling particularly sensitive about the decline in my fitness - thank you thesis stress for that! - and was determined that I wouldn't be able to get into any of the aerials equipment, and was not particularly interested in trying.

But... no matter how grumpy I was, the group I was working in wasn't giving my bad mood any energy. They hoisted me up onto the equipment anyways! I still wasn't feeling up to the challenge of actually doing anything once I got up there, but, I was pretty damn happy to be there! I probably will be more brave in the future when we do aerials stuff, as just getting up into the equipment - even with a lot of help - was a huge confidence booster!

When I started up with the Women's Circus I thought that I'd be pretty awesome at acrobalance, and particularly at basing. It has proved more challenging than I had anticipated! But also, very rewarding. I've discovered that some of my dodgy bits can make acrobalance quite hard. One of my shoulders is a lot weaker than the other (something I have recently come to suspect is a result of my skiing accident 20 years ago) so holding somebody's weight over my head can be difficult. I've also got an exposed nerve on one of my hips which can make having someone stand on me really painful, though it's totally fine if they're not putting pressure on the nerve. Due to a dodgy knee I have trouble holding my legs straight, which can make leg basing tricky.

I have actually found it easier to be a flyer than a base, though I generally prefer basing to flying. It is mentally challenging to bring myself to let someone much smaller than me base me, thought the women in my class certainly have been perfectly capable of doing so!! It is a bit funny though, trying to step up onto someone teeny tiny, just because there's not a lot of surface area on which to stand. You kinda just have to go for it and trust that they'll let you know if it's not working. I like basing when we do standing poses, or anything where we move around. Last week we did this cat on cat stuff...it was like when you're a kid and someone gives you a pony ride, only the person on top is actually balancing on the base's back. I'd be quite happy to move people around a properly padded surface in this way any time!

There's all sorts of different classes that focus on different skills run by the Women's Circus. When you join, you can't do any other classes until your second term of New Women's - which I'm in now - and while you only have to do two terms of New Women's, you're encouraged to do a full year. There were a few classes I was interested in this term, but I decided not to sign up for any more as I didn't feel I had the money or the time. But you know what? Circus provides me with so much respite from all the other crap in my life that next term - even though I will very likely be back in Canada for part of it - I plan to take a second class. After all, what's a bit of money for a whole lot of happiness?

Midsumma Madness!

Well my lovely queers and heteros, another Midsumma has come to an end. And what a girlwind it was! From spending a week in the mountains with 30+ ladies, to hitting the clubs, to checking out the shows, to pashing some girls, to making new friends, to catching up with old friends, to marching with Pride... It's been a busy month!

First of all: drama camp was AWESOME! I had such a great time and met many, many amazing women. I also got to cook some insanely delicious food and be loved and adored for it. While hanging out in the mountains. I felt like I was being spoilt! I even managed to get some quality work done on my thesis, which, as you'll remember, was the whole point of me going on this trip!

Oh, and the best part: I finally got to make use of my valid Victorian driver's licence and drive someone's car!! It seems that leaving out the whole "I've never driven on the left before" thing is key. I didn't have to drive far, and it was on a small mountain road with very little traffic. I'm so used to traffic moving from the left here now that I thought I'd be fine to drive. But I was not prepared for all the signals and gears and stuff to be on opposite sides!! It was way more disorienting than I had anticipated. BUT, I am an entirely competent driver and we made the trip without issue AND I did a fabulous job parking upon our return. I waited a couple of days before informing the owner of said car that she'd inadvertently popped my driving in Australia cherry. ;)

Like most things I do, I had no idea what I had signed on for. Our days started early and ended late. There were three of us on the kitchen crew, and hubby proved to be not only a great cook but an efficient and organised leader. He planned the meals, I just chopped what I was told to chop, stirred what I was told to stir, set out food and plates and cutlery where I was told to set them out, and grilled some sausage when I was told to grill some sausage! (I seriously hope the sausage was not completely disgusting; turns out I still can't stomach the thought of eating beef.) What I did take charge of was the clean up crews. After every meal I supervised the clean up crews as they did all the actual work of scrubbing up all the mess we'd made in the kitchen throughout the day. I had so much fun with the clean up crews that I actually started applying for work as a dishwasher when I returned to Melbourne. (Alas, a career as a dishwasher does not appear to be in the cards for me: instead I'll be doing some data entry at ARCSHS.)

I didn't know what to expect from the girls, not being from a drama background myself. The vocal warm ups freaked me out, at first, but then I got used to them and even missed the chorus of weird squawking and chanting at 9am when camp was over. The singing I did not miss so much. It took me about 4 days to get the songs out of my head!! But otherwise, I was quite delighted to find that they were all friendly and curious about my thesis (although after having the same conversation for the 20th time I may have started to wish they weren't) and good eaters! We made a lot of food and very little went to waste! I ate like a freggin' king! I mean, being on the kitchen crew, we had to make sure everything was fit to be served...and sometimes we had to check more than once, you know, just to be sure.

Girls Do Gertrude was a double bill of Gertrude Stein plays. The idea was to go away to the mountains for a week of intensive rehearsals, then come back and put the plays on. One group rehearsed downstairs in the lodge, and the other rehearsed in the space beside the kitchen. So we got quite familiar with the goings on of that particular play. With the singing, and the circles... *ahem* The second play, however, was a total mystery to me. Except, every now and then we'd hear these blood curdling screams coming from downstairs. Often the screaming came when we were reaching the breaking point of hearing Ain't We Got Fun yet again, so I wasn't entirely sure if they were related to the play or not! ;) It was actually really cool to see the play come together over the course of the week, and to know that there was this whole other play happening that I'd get to be surprised by when it was all finished.

I went to see the show last weekend, though in a funny twist of events I actually ended up at Northcote Town Hall with a couple of friends to check out another Midsumma event earlier in the week, and ran into the girls after their show. That was quite fun! Anyways, I went to see the show on Saturday and I of course had to get dressed up for it! 1920s style! I just so happened to have the perfect outfit lying around for the occasion. I even broke out the iron for it!

From what I'd seen in the rehearsal week I figured the plays were going to be good, but honestly, they were so much better than I expected! The first one, A Circular Play, was really witty and fun - and the costumes were incredible! I don't really know how to describe it, other than that it gave me a whole new appreciation for the art of acting. And directing! And the difficulty in learning the words to a song! The second play, Three Sisters Who Are Not Sisters, was amazing! It was a play repeated three times, each time a bit differently, and each time I got something different from it. It had this incredibly fun opening part where the girls were all being little kids playing and their play turns violent. It was dark and twisted, and yes, the screaming was part of the play. I have a new found appreciation for theatre after that week!

There is much more that I could update on, but I don't want to sit at my computer forever. So to do a quick summary: I have reached exciting new depths of poverty. It's been an interesting experience to have so little money to see me through the month. I've agreed to let hubby cut my hair for free, which he did last week...with his beard clippers and some kinda dull scissors. He actually did a rather amazing job, and may possibly be able to turn a small profit on offering niche market lesbian haircuts. I'm also on this exciting new diet called eating what other people give me for free! It is supplemented by another diet called eating food I can get for cheap. The health nut in my cringes at this, but the social scientist in me sees this as an interesting new experiment and is excited to see where it leads. Meanwhile, the student in me says as long as there is money for coffee and beer, I've got nothing to worry about.

I started my classes with the Women's Circus last week. That is quickly shaping up to be the most fun I have ever had, and possibly will ever have, in my life! My trainers are fantabulous, the women in my class are awesome, AND I get to learn cool tricks that involve me looking like I'm ridiculously strong. My guns aren't too shabby, but I'm not quite at llama status yet!

Now that Midsumma is over, I'm under official lock down to get my thesis over and done with! I've only got six more months to go, and a mountain to climb in that time. It can be done, but it ain't gonna be easy! I just have to keep reminding myself that the sooner I get my first draft completed, the sooner I can get the tattoo I've been planning for the past two years! I may barely be able to afford groceries, rent, or electricity, but I'm saving up my pennies for that next tattoo. There's no fucking way I'm completing that draft only to find out I don't actually have the money to afford the ink!!!

Until next time...wish me adventures!

You Know You're A Grad Student When...

Last night I had condiments for dinner.

Condiments.

I shit you not.

It wasn't even intentional, it just...happened. And I didn't even realize I was doing it until I broke into some of the more obscure condiments in my cupboard.

Yes, money is tight right now, but it's not that tight. Well, OK, it is. You see, I am not completely out but coming close to being out of groceries and as I'm about to go away to drama camp (I'll get to that) for a week, I'd like to avoid grocery shopping if I can! Last night I was down to the weird odds and ends, and I decided not to break into the nicer stuff because I had chicken in the freezer I could defrost and cook another day. All that left me with was some moldy bread that was getting to the point where I couldn't just keep cutting the moldy bits off, and tortillas. And condiments.

It started off innocently enough. I decided to throw out the moldy bread and make myself a couple of peanut butter and banana tortilla wraps. After which, I was still peckish and only had a couple of tortillas left. Surely I had something I could spread over them? I poked around my cupboard and what did I come up with? Sweet and sour sauce. It wasn't until I plopped the sweet and sour sauce onto the tortilla that the absurdity of what I was doing struck me. And no, it was not delicious. It was weird. And messy. I got sweet and sour sauce on my shirt. After that debacle I figured I must have something better in the fridge. And you know what I had a shitload of in there? Cream cheese. Yeah. I had a tortilla with sweet and sour sauce for dinner last night when I had a perfectly good container of cream cheese sitting in my fridge.

And that, my friends, is what's called thesis brain.

So, drama camp! You know how I've taken to saying yes to all sorts of random things? This would be one of those things. Clearly. Because me and the performing arts...yeah, no. You know what else is a big yeah, no for me? Food services. So guess what I'm doing on drama camp? Oh yeah!

This all came about because of Hubby. I knew about the performing arts stuff, but apparently he's got this whole food services history too. One of his friends is directing a play for Midsumma (Girls Do Gertrude, check it out) and he has been "recruited" to be the chef for their rehearsal week out in the mountains. Now, there's this weird dynamic to my relationship with Hubby where I pretty much do whatever he says. I don't understand it, but there you go. He says run a 10k, I run a 10k. He says come out clubbing, I go out clubbing. He says come out to the mountains and help me cater a drama camp, I go out to the mountains and help him cater a drama camp. It seems the only thing I've said no to was his marriage proposal. Funny side note, that makes him the only man who's marriage proposal I've actually turned down!

So after Carnival on Sunday I'll be off in the mountains with a bunch of performing arts peeps, cooking and possibly doing various other odds and ends jobs. It was suggested that if I play a musical instrument I could be in the show, but I don't think it's the kind of show where they're taking the piss out of themselves so I think my particular musical talents will go unused this time around. I am, however, open to being the Twitter bitch, and will hopefully knock out a few interesting blog entries while I'm there. Oh yeah, and like, write my third data chapter. I do remember this originally being sold to me as a free study vacation...

The Beginning of The End

Don't waste your time fighting the line

State your course and you'll understand

- Jay-Z

Tomorrow is a big day for me. Tomorrow everything changes. Though, of course, it already has. Tomorrow is my birthday. Tomorrow is the first day of the end of my 20's. Tomorrow is also the last day of my scholarship. And of course, tomorrow is the first day of the rest of my life.

I remember last year I was really anxious about turning 28 and what this year would hold in store for me. I knew it was going to be a challenging year, and whether it was obvious or not, this time last year I was really freaking out about how I was going to manage. But looking back at the past year... it kind of blows my mind how much I've changed, how much I've grown, how much I've learnt about myself.

Not too long ago my flatmate and I were reflecting on our lives and how different (read: better) our late 20's have been from our early 20's. Thinking about how 28 has been for me, I had mixed feelings about the year. But as my flatmate said, "I think you'll look back on this year as a time when some really positive changes started to happen in your life."

And it's true! For starters, I've lost 20kg in the past year. I ran my first 5km race, and now I'm training for a 10km race. I finished my data collection, completely lost interest in my PhD, then fell utterly in love with it again and now want to build my future career on the research I am doing now. I've healed my relationships with my parents a lot, and I've gotten to reconnect with my siblings as adults, which is nothing short of awesome! My professional skills are starting to be recognized in the form of gainful employment and mentoring...

It hasn't all been fun times and kicking ass though. I had a very stupid fight with a friend, and while we've reconciled now, I regret that I became the kind of person who would let that happen. One of the things I've realized over the past year is that friendship is something I value very dearly. I get along well with most people, but it's rare to find someone who I can truly call a friend. And while there are some people back in Canada who I feel like I've gotten closer with this past year, I've felt a lot of disconnect with my friends here in Melbourne. And given that I live in Melbourne, that is hardly an ideal situation! Then there are the incredible grey areas... Breaking up with Lady Cop, twice, is hardly my idea of a good time. But then, a lot of good has come out of it. A lot of good, and a lot of change, and according to a psychic we went to, change is always a good thing.

I started this blog with a lyric from my current favourite hip-hop song, Blue Magic. The reason this song resonates so much with me right now is that, like so much of Jay-Z's music, it's about coming out of tough times on top. Jay-Z is an absolute inspiration to me. This is a man who came from a situation where nobody expected him to amount to anything, but he always knew better. His intellect, his insight into the way the world works, and the way he so simply yet cleverly lays it out, it's pure beauty to me. This is a man who has been, and who I am sure continues to be, under estimated. A lot of people who get under estimated get this attitude like they've got something to prove to the world, but not Jay-Z. He knows what he is capable of, he knows how good he is, and he knows the world is never really going to get it. But instead of trying to make the world sit up and take notice, he just goes about living his life, doing his thing, absolutely on his own terms, whether the world notices or not. I find that absolutely admirable. Especially because as he's always known his own worth, he's always managed to have control over his career.

Which brings me back to the lyric I opened with. We all come into the world in a particular context: in a particular moment in history, in a particular socioeconomic status, in a particular family, in a particular part of the world. We can't change those things; we've got to play the cards that we're dealt. How we play them though, is up to us. There's no point trying to fight the things that are outside of our control. We are much better off to accept whatever circumstances we are in and focus on how we're going to work with whatever we've got to make the best of the situation we're in.

I've been thinking a lot as my birthday has approached about what my circumstances are, and what I can do about it. And this is the thing: when Lady Cop and I were together, I was fighting the line; I wasn't focusing on myself and my own abilities, and while I thought I was maneuvering myself onto a better course by relying on someone else, I was actually making things a lot more difficult for myself. What inspires me about Jay-Z is how clearly he manages to stay on his course, even with other people in his life. I mean, Beyonce is a mega-superstar with her own career and life goals and all of that. She is an amazing woman and an amazing catch, and I know a lot of people would think that if she snaps her fingers, he'd better come a-running. But no! It's not like that at all. He knows that she's incredible, but he also knows he's awesome personified too. Being with her doesn't change his course. He's still going to do what's right for him.

I want to be the kind of person that can say "You're awesome, I want to be with you, but this is my life and I am living it this way, whether you're in it or not." This is the biggest lesson I have learnt over the past year, and it's been a hard lesson to learn. Compromise is important in relationships, sure, but it is different from going off course with your own life.

So I'm not fighting the line; I've stated my course, and I understand.

What does that mean for my 29th year? Finishing my PhD is my number one priority. But I have to be realistic: my candidature expires in 6 months, and especially given that I now have to engage in paid work to survive and that I want my PhD to launch my future career, I need more than 6 months to finish. So I have decided to extend my candidature by 6 months, which means taking out student loans and paying tuition. I will submit my thesis before my 30th birthday!!! And while I do still want to continue losing weight, right now I am happy with my body. I like my fitness regime; it's not as hardcore as previous ones, but it's enough to continue improving my fitness and toning my body without having to be obsessive about what I eat, while having the flexibility to allow my PhD to take priority. Having a social life is vital to my well-being, so I am actively making new friends and reconnecting with old ones. For reasons that unfortunately stopped being relevant too late to change anything, my flatmate is moving out and someone new will be coming in (tbd, don't want to jinx it, not talking about it until it's in the past).

Tomorrow is a fresh start. From here on in, I'm running the show.

FINISH

Oh yeah, look at me go! My official time was 35:08, which I am very proud of! My name was in the paper and everything. That's pretty darn good for someone who decided to start running on a whim 3 weeks prior to the race.

So what's next? Well, to quote Jay-Z it's "on to the next one." I am planning on running the 10k leg of the Melbourne Marathon in October. Even though it starts at 7:30am on a Sunday. (Who does that? Honestly!) I'm using this Couch to 5k app that one of my colleagues informed me about to train. It's good, even though I'm not exactly the demographic it's targeting. I'm using it to build up my speed. It starts off with lots of walking and short bursts of running, so now I'm sprinting around the dog park. In the rain and the cold in the early hours of the morning. I think I'm going to enjoy running a whole lot more come summer!

As for my bike, I've got some money set aside for it, but I'm still going to be saving up my pennies for awhile. A friend of mine offered me the use of her bike, so I went up to hers yesterday to check it out. Unfortunately, as she is rather a lot taller than me, any attempt at stopping would mean getting all too familiar with her bike. It was nice of her to offer though.

I've called this blog FINISH because from here on in, that's what I'm all about! As you probably won't recall (unless you follow my blog religiously, which would be creepy and weird) in exactly one month from today my scholarship - and hence my financial security - ends. Also, in exactly one month from today, I turn 29. So, yay? And I have exactly 7 months from today to hand in my PhD. To all of this, all I can say is fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.

Look, there's not much I can do about it but go with it. I've got a tutoring job this semester, which I am really super excited about, and I've got a bit of extra casual work on the go. As long as the work doesn't dry up, financially I'll be fine (I may even be better off considering I make a helluva lot more working than on a scholarship). The tricky bit is that there are limits on my visa to how many hours I can work, and as I can't study part time the only way to extend my candidature is to suspend my study and leave the country for awhile. And while a trip to the motherland would be quite nice, I have very little desire to spend my Australian summer in a Canadian winter.

So right now it's all about finding a balance between making enough money to survive, spending enough time studying to finish on time, and having enough down time to not go completely insane. I have already started making some changes to my life to prepare for my upcoming leap from the frying pan into the fire. I've got a rough 7 months ahead of me, but hey, I kick all sorts of ass, so there's no reason why I can't kick this challenge's ass too.

Run Joni Run

Over the past 15 months I have been on a fitness journey. Thus far I have lost 24kg, or 53lbs. I look better than ever, I am the slimmest I have been in nearly a decade, and I am in the best shape of my life. And I'm only getting fitter, trimmer and more determined to challenge myself to the MAX!

My exercise mainly comes from swimming and the gym, which I do a combined time of 5 times a week, with yoga on the other 2 days. I regularly set challenges for myself to push myself beyond my current ability. With swimming, I swim 2.1km in under an hour. I do 0.6km with flippers and a kick board and 1.5km of freestyle/backstroke. My best time for the 1.5km is 42 minutes. My goal is to swim the 1.5km in under 40 minutes. But also, I have a goal of swimming 2.4km in under an hour by the end of the year. So now, after completing my 2.1km, I am doing however many extra laps I can until I'm exhausted (which so far is 2, or 60m).

At the gym I do a circuit course that combines cardio and weight training. I do 2 sets, and it involves 10 minutes on the bike and 10 minutes on the cross trainer. Each time I go to the gym I push myself as hard as I can. I set myself a goal that was challenging, but that I knew I would be able to achieve if I kept at it: to ride 4km on the bike and run 2km on the cross trainer in both 10 minute sets. It didn't take me long to reach these distances for my first set, but as when it came time for my second round of cardio, I would be exhausted! I just didn't have it in me to do it for a second time.

But then, the other day I said to myself "I'm going to run 2km on the cross trainer in both sets today." And I did! Thrilled with myself for this, yesterday when I was at the gym I made up my mind that I would achieve my goal: 4km on the bike and 2km on the cross trainer in both 10 minute sets. And you know what? I smashed it out of the ballpark! I rode over 8km on the bike and ran over 4km on the cross trainer in a total of 40 nonconsecutive minutes. Clearly, there is no stopping me.

As I staggered over to the water fountain to refill my water bottle after achieving this goal I noticed a flyer for Run Melbourne, which consists of a 5km, 10km, or half marathon run. In three weeks time. And I thought to myself "I can do that." So I headed home and hopped online to check out what this event was all about ... and I registered for the 5km run!!! In three weeks time.

Not being completely insane, I realize that I've got to actually train for this. Running 5km on pavement is going to be a pretty different experience than running 5km on the cross trainer skis! So I went to the gym this morning before yoga and got on the treadmill ... and quickly discovered that running 5km is going to be more of a challenge than I anticipated! I set the timer for 20 minutes, and managed to run 2.5km in that time. So I reckon I could do 5km in about 45 minutes.

The next three weeks are going to involve a lot of running! Seeing as I haven't ever actually ran 5km, that will be my first challenge: getting used to the distance. I've been looking at maps and figuring out routes I can run around my neighbourhood, and of course I will be even more of a regular in the cardio room at Brunswick Baths than I already am!

So here comes the part where maybe you're going to think I'm a total wanker, or totally brilliant, who knows?!

Run Melbourne is a fundraising event for a number of charities, though you don't have to fund raise to participate. I looked at the list of charities they had available to support, and all I could think was "These are all organisations that really don't really need whatever small amount of funds I could possibly raise for them as much as I could use the money myself."

You see, I need a car. I am slowly saving up to buy one (by which I mean the cheapest roadworthy vehicle money can buy) but my financial situations leaves something to be desired. I'm on a limited income, and I've got debt, so whatever I can save always goes to the debt first. So I thought, maybe people would be interested in sponsoring me in Joni's Run for a Car!

I know there are a gazillion worthy causes out there, and I know there are probably a gazillion things you'd like to spend your hard earned money on for yourself. But you've been following my journey and you've seen me put in the hard yards, so maybe supporting me in my journey is something you would like to put some of your hard earned money towards. Donations of absolutely any size are greatly appreciated and any funds raised will go towards the (eventual) purchasing of a car. My Dad said that all I'm likely to get is a drop in the bucket compared to what I need. But how do you fill a bucket? One drop at a time!
Below is a link that you can click on to make a donation to me via PayPal. Somewhat annoyingly, my PayPal account is in Canadian dollars. I can still get the funds to myself in Australia, but if you know me and do actually want to sponsor me, you can also contact me and we can make alternate arrangements. And if you happen to think other people would be interested in donating for some reason, by all means spread the word!

I'd like to thank my friends, family and colleagues who have all been very supportive and encouraging of me on my fitness journey. Whether I raise any money for myself of not, I'm really glad to have all of you cheering me on. :)

All The Singlet Ladies

As we enter March, Melbourne's summer-that-wasn't is quickly moving into autumn. The weather is cooling down and it's time for me to start digging out the warmer clothes. I have to admit, I'm enjoying the cool change. Sure, as the long winter months wear on I'll probably be lamenting about how much I miss the heat and the intensity of the summer sun, but autumn I love. The sun is still shining, but it's cool enough to break out the layers and start getting creative with clothes again. And I can actually sleep at night without feeling like I will spontaneously combust!

Another reason that I'm excited about autumn is that a good deal of my summer clothes are now much too big for me, and I am really looking forward to purging them from my wardrobe. When I started losing weight last year, I made a decision that at the end of each season I could get rid of all the clothes that were too big for me. I have to wait until the end of the season though as I cannot exactly afford to buy a new wardrobe right now! (And yes, yes, we're all aware that I recently splurged on a killer red dress. But that was perfectly justifiable under style tip #5.) My end-of-season plan is slightly flawed though, in that I've now lost 17kgs since last autumn, and the clothes that were starting to be a bit loose on me last year I'll be swimming in now. I may be pretty limited on the 'in with the new' front, but it's certainly time for 'out with the old'!!!

I am a recovering shopoholic with a huge tendency to look at my overflowing wardrobe and declare that I have nothing to wear. But, having lost 17kgs, I'm also really freggin' tired of hiding my new, fitter figure under draping, gaping clothes. I want a new, structured, harder-edged look this year. But, I'm also hoping to have dropped another 15kgs (or so) by this time next year, so there is certainly something to be said for investing in belts and dealing with the excess fabric for the time being. It's a delicate procedure, purging my wardrobe whilst maintaining enough clothing options for me not to go off the deep end and into some hardcore retail therapy. I envision the coming months involving a lot of tights, skirts, and layering! Any new pieces will either be seriously cheap, or have serious long term potential! In other words, 'tis the season for cardigans.
And when it comes to layering, there's one thing a girl should never be without!

Joni's Top Ten Style Tips #8: A Singlet Is A Girl's Best Friend

Singlets (or tank tops or camisoles if you prefer) are an absolute wardrobe essential. Versatile, functional, sexy; is there anything the singlet can't do? They show off your arms, back, and decolletage. They can be dressed up or down. They can be worn on their own in warm weather, and paired up with jumpers or jackets in cooler weather. They can provide that extra bit of coverage to a too low cut top (yes, there is such a thing) while still providing sex appeal. Worn under a top, they can smooth out bumps and wrinkles. And if Lady Cop is to be believed, when worn to Bunnings Warehouse (the Australian version of Canadian Tire for the folks back home), they can improve your customer service experience.

Seriously ladies. Fuck diamonds, go get yourself some singlets!

City of Festivals

Melbourne is a city of festivals.  Festivals of what? Whatever you can think of. I swear. Every weekend there seems to be a festival of some notoriety on, along with 4 or 5 more obscure ones. My first year here I was overwhelmed with the festival options; so much so that I don't think I actually participated in any of them.

The problem is, the festivals are actually pretty decent, so there's always heaps of events I'd like to be going to. But, for the most part they aren't free, so actually attending any of these events requires a fair bit of planning. Or they do for me as I'm a broke ass student. I think I need a calendar of Melbourne festivals, then things like the film festival won't completely pass me by because I didn't put any money aside to buy tickets.

Somehow though, this past month has been filled with fun festival activities. In September I saw 2 of the Melbourne Fringe Festival shows (both by the Women's Circus, both spectacular events!) And what comes after the Melbourne Fringe Festival? The Melbourne Festival! I was able to catch a free show called Kaosmos which involved a crane, a metal ball, and half a dozen aerial acrobatic artists. It was a pretty impressive show!

Then on Sunday I went to see the latest mad creation by Finucane & Smith: Carnival of Mysteries. I don't really know how to describe what these women do. It's completely surreal, over the top, in your face, and sexy in a disturbing way. I went and saw their trademark show The Burlesque Hour for my 26th birthday and I never recovered. Especially not from my obsession with Azaria Universe, but there is no recovering from her.

For the record, that is FOUR circus performances in the past month! Lady Cop has taken to teasing me that I'm going to run away and join the circus. My flatmate, who is a part of the Women's Circus, is encouraging me to. And I am reading Angela Carter's Nights at the Circus which just isn't helping the "no, let's not run away to the circus" cause. Maybe I will run away and join the circus. After I finish my PhD though.

But the parade of festivals doesn't stop there! Guess what's on next weekend? The Australian Festival of Travel Writing. I shit you not. If you are reading this blog and for some reason don't actually know anything about me, then you probably aren't paying much attention. I have been traveling internationally since I was 16. Not a year has passed since then that I have not left whatever country I've been living in - and only in 1 of those years have I not gone on an overseas trip. I am determined to keep this travel streak going, although admittedly this year I'm cutting it extremely close, not leaving Australia until the very end of the year. And the fact that you are reading my blog is evidence enough that I enjoy writing. I'm sure you can put the two together.

I'm only going to one session for the AFTW, but I'm just excited to be going to any! And I imagine any travel writing skills I pick up at this session will come in handy when I run away and join the circus...

Confessions of a Shopaholic

For a long time I used shopping as a way to distract myself when I was feeling down. And because I felt down pretty much all the time, I shopped A LOT! I used to have to go through my wardrobe 3 or 4 times a year to clear out my old clothes and make way for my new ones. I spent money as if it didn't matter, oh but it did! And now I am paying for it, literally. And what do I have to show for all the money I've spent on clothes and shoes over the years? Not a helluva lot!

Eventually I had to face up to my credit debt problem and stop buying shit every time I was in a bad mood. I'd be lying if I said I've completely kicked the habit, but, I can definitely say that I've gotten a handle on it. I do still indulge in the occasional spot of retail therapy, but when I do, I have strict rules about what I can spend money on, and how much money I can spend. And now that I'm not dealing with buyer's remorse, a bit of retail therapy often does lift me up out of a funk.

Actually, as a free extra tip for all y'alls: getting dressed up is one of the best way to kick a funk to the curb. It's damn hard to feel down on life when you're dressed to the nines.

Joni's Top Ten Style Tips #4: Know when to spend and when to save

Unlike what popular culture would have us believe, being a 20-something doesn't mean having unfettered access to a steady cash flow. Most of us live on a budget. I live on a reallllly tight budget. But for many of us, myself included, fashion is important and looking good matters a lot! And it is possible to look great and not break the bank. They key is knowing what things to spend money on, and what to get as cheaply as possible.

Obviously, anything that can be got on sale is better than paying full price. But that's not what I'm talking about. Some things are worth paying money for, some things, not so much. If it's something that is a super-of-the-moment fad, it is probably not worth spending a lot of money on. Any piece of quality clothing that suits your body shape is worth spending a lot of money on.

As a general rule for myself, I don't spend a lot of money on my wardrobe staples. I like clothes that are fairly plain, because they are easy to mix and match. I like bright colours, but generally avoid patterns. So when I find something that is a flattering cut and cheap, I will buy it in a few different colours. When I was still living in Calgary, I was a regular at Old Navy for this very reason. Alas, we don't have Old Navy here in Melbourne, but we do have KMart. And KMart, I have discovered, has the solution to all life's problems. I recently bought 3 skirts, 2 shirts, and a new pair of tights from there for a whooping $79.

Some things that I think are worth spending money on?

1) A good hairdo!
I haven't made having awesome hair one of my style tips, but, in retrospect I should have. Don't just trust your hairdresser to know what they are doing. Shop around! You want to go to a hairdresser who reflects the style you are looking to achieve. You should be in awe of the hairstyles the people leaving your hairdresser have. Why? Because when you have a really great hairdo, you've already won the looking good battle. If you've got a crap hairdo, any attempt to look stylish is gonna fall on it's face.

2) Shoes!

I tend to do a lot of walking, so my shoes need to be made for walking, cuz that's just what they'll do! Don't let your shoes walk all over you! I am not a woman who can walk in heels, and yet, I am a woman with a secret chamber of fabulous shoes that I can (mostly) walk in. Comfortable and stylish shoes are no longer mutually exclusive things. The problem, of course, is that the stylish comfy shoes tend to be a bit on the extreme price side (like my under $500 boots). They are worth saving up for though, I PROMISE!

3) Good quality, flattering clothing.
It's cute, it's funky, it's well made, it looks great on you, and you're going to be one of only a handful of people to own it? Yeah, it's worth it. There is a store full of such goodies down the street from me. It's my save-up-and-treat-myself store.

So my little fashionistas, the next time you're out on a shopping binge, take a look at what you've got in your hand, how much you're being asked to shell out for it, and ask yourself "Is this really going to give me value for money?" No? Put it down and walk away. If you change your mind, you can always go back for it later.

Bills, Bills, Bills

It's often been commented upon that I have a fairly breezy attitude about the pressures of doing a PhD. While I don't think that's completely false, it's certainly not entirely true. I guess I don't display my anxiety over it much, but trust me, that anxiety is always bubbling away, under the surface. Probably another reason people make that comment is because I don't actually have any doubt in my ability to do my PhD. I'm not sitting here for nothing - none of us are - but not everyone has really internalized that. So while I have anxiety about doing a PhD, it is more about the process than the thing itself. I know I'll get there in the end.

For me, the big huge stress that keeps me up at night and gnaws away at my stomach lining is money. I know I can finish my PhD and that it will be good and launch me into a research career, I just don't know if I can do it without running out of money. Being an international student adds an additional layer of complication and stress to the situation - especially because I do not consider moving back to Canada to be a viable option. If I had permanent residency in Australia, my money woes would be much, much more managable.

I have a scholarship which pays for me to be sitting here, or actually, pays for me to get on with the business of living life. It's not a lot of money, but it's enough. The problem is, that scholarship expires in 6 months! I will most likely be able to get a 6 month extension on my scholarship, but after that it gets tricky. While in the past getting a second 6 month extension was quite common, that second extension is getting a lot harder to obtain.

So, get a job, right? Well, that's tricky. I do have a work-study visa, and I have been working for the past 2 years, but there are restrictions. I can only work 8 'business hours' a week while receiving a scholarship. In theory this means I could get an evening/weekend job, but in reality, that is asking for a mental breakdown. Besides, if I'm going to be working on anything on evenings and weekends, it's going to be my PhD. To the best of my understanding, the conditions of my visa would allow me to work more hours if I was no longer receiving a scholarship. This is not ideal though, because that decreases the amount of time I have to work on my PhD, and my student visa has an expiry date as well (April 24 2012).

So, apply for permanent residency? I'd love to, but I won't qualify until I've submitted my PhD. The good news is that when I have finished my PhD I should be a shoe-in, and apparently changes are being made to both fast track applications from Australian qualified PhDs and to allow PhDs in any field to stay.

So, what's the issue? I don't know how long it will take me to finish my PhD. I'd love to say I'll be done in a year, but I can't say that with much (any?) confidence. While my scholarship (just) covers my living expenses, I have debt back in Canada that it doesn't cover. Like most people, I don't have a map telling me what paths my life will take; and I certainly wouldn't have forseen myself taking this particular path! The money I make working 1 day a week goes towards keeping the creditors at bay. It would all be fine and lovely if there was any sort of security in having a job to work at 1 day a week. But there isn't.

Last year I was miraculously fortunate enought to get a sizable grant with which to fund various aspects of my research...and hire myself on as a research assistant. I'm still dumbfounded at having gotten that money, and it has gone to good use. But, alas, it is not a bottomless well and my funds are drying up.

And so that gnawing anxiety of how I am going to financially manage is starting to grow again. Fortunately, I am not at the point of having no funds yet. I have some time to get myself sorted. And there often is casual work to be had at my centre, or at any of the multitude of universities around Melbourne.

Like everything in life, there is only so much I can control. I manage what I am able to manage and try not to be consumed by what I cannot.