It's often been commented upon that I have a fairly breezy attitude about the pressures of doing a PhD. While I don't think that's completely false, it's certainly not entirely true. I guess I don't display my anxiety over it much, but trust me, that anxiety is always bubbling away, under the surface. Probably another reason people make that comment is because I don't actually have any doubt in my ability to do my PhD. I'm not sitting here for nothing - none of us are - but not everyone has really internalized that. So while I have anxiety about doing a PhD, it is more about the process than the thing itself. I know I'll get there in the end.
For me, the big huge stress that keeps me up at night and gnaws away at my stomach lining is money. I know I can finish my PhD and that it will be good and launch me into a research career, I just don't know if I can do it without running out of money. Being an international student adds an additional layer of complication and stress to the situation - especially because I do not consider moving back to Canada to be a viable option. If I had permanent residency in Australia, my money woes would be much, much more managable.
I have a scholarship which pays for me to be sitting here, or actually, pays for me to get on with the business of living life. It's not a lot of money, but it's enough. The problem is, that scholarship expires in 6 months! I will most likely be able to get a 6 month extension on my scholarship, but after that it gets tricky. While in the past getting a second 6 month extension was quite common, that second extension is getting a lot harder to obtain.
So, get a job, right? Well, that's tricky. I do have a work-study visa, and I have been working for the past 2 years, but there are restrictions. I can only work 8 'business hours' a week while receiving a scholarship. In theory this means I could get an evening/weekend job, but in reality, that is asking for a mental breakdown. Besides, if I'm going to be working on anything on evenings and weekends, it's going to be my PhD. To the best of my understanding, the conditions of my visa would allow me to work more hours if I was no longer receiving a scholarship. This is not ideal though, because that decreases the amount of time I have to work on my PhD, and my student visa has an expiry date as well (April 24 2012).
So, apply for permanent residency? I'd love to, but I won't qualify until I've submitted my PhD. The good news is that when I have finished my PhD I should be a shoe-in, and apparently changes are being made to both fast track applications from Australian qualified PhDs and to allow PhDs in any field to stay.
So, what's the issue? I don't know how long it will take me to finish my PhD. I'd love to say I'll be done in a year, but I can't say that with much (any?) confidence. While my scholarship (just) covers my living expenses, I have debt back in Canada that it doesn't cover. Like most people, I don't have a map telling me what paths my life will take; and I certainly wouldn't have forseen myself taking this particular path! The money I make working 1 day a week goes towards keeping the creditors at bay. It would all be fine and lovely if there was any sort of security in having a job to work at 1 day a week. But there isn't.
Last year I was miraculously fortunate enought to get a sizable grant with which to fund various aspects of my research...and hire myself on as a research assistant. I'm still dumbfounded at having gotten that money, and it has gone to good use. But, alas, it is not a bottomless well and my funds are drying up.
And so that gnawing anxiety of how I am going to financially manage is starting to grow again. Fortunately, I am not at the point of having no funds yet. I have some time to get myself sorted. And there often is casual work to be had at my centre, or at any of the multitude of universities around Melbourne.
Like everything in life, there is only so much I can control. I manage what I am able to manage and try not to be consumed by what I cannot.
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